My wife cheated on me about 6 weeks ago. Please read the details before answering.?

Question

We've been married 7 years next week. We have 2 kids--a daughter who is 6 and a son who is 3. We were drifting apart well before now. Effectively, neither of us felt loved by the other. She had the affair with a man she worked with. The affair lasted about a month. They went out to eat and such, and during that period, she had sex with him once.
I found out about it 4 weeks ago, and she broke it off with him. We have been going to counseling, and she and I have recommitted to each other. She has repeatedly and profusely apologized for the entire affair, and I sincerely believe she is regretful, and that she won't do it again. I love her dearly, and I know now that she loves me, but she made a mistake.

The problem is with me. I still feel very hurt and I can't bring myself to forgive her for it. I want to badly, because I see her cry about it from guilt. I can't ask her to apologize for it forever. How do I get past it? I love her and have no intentions of leaving her.

Answer 1

this is tough...she has to understand why you are having a hard time with this, and she does sound remorseful...however if you cannot get past it you must move on...leaving her will be better for you in the long run unless you can truly let this go. i admore you for wanting to stay but you need to do what is best for you.

good luck!

Answer 2

MY MAN! I am SO SORRY!

Cheating is never acceptable under any circumstance, and NO MATTER WHAT don't let your wife or anyone else make you feel 1 bit responsible for her actions, not even 1%! The only reason I bring that up is because you mention "drifting apart" and not feeling "loved by the other." Those are BUZZ phrases that women use to blame their cheating on men. It's bull and you know it!

As you WELL know, people CAN forgive, but people can NEVER forget.

Your feelings are 100% normal. Dude, the girl that you love more than anything in the world; the girl that would never cheat; the girl that isn't like "that"; just broke your heart in the worst possible way; in a split second, she became a different girl in your mind, a girl that you didn't marry, a girl that you don't know; not to mention, that she was able to knowingly destroy you. What I am saying is, you have every right to be hurt, heartbroken and everything else that you describe. On the flipside, your wife should be upset knowing all of the pain that she caused you.

I wish I knew what to tell you. Unfortunately, I would never be able to move past it. It takes a bigger person than I. If you are anything like me, you probably aren't even saying anything to her, rather, you are beating yourself up, mentally, over it. I'm guessing that you are afraid that you will never stop with the mental struggle.

My man, I wish you the best.

Stay Up Playa!

Answer 3

Most women connect emotional intimacy w/ sex. It sounds like she is lacking any emotional intimacy from you (what she needs daily) so doesn't much care about your strictly sexual needs. You say you thought the miscarriage was a gift from God in a way. Perhaps she knows this now but didn't before because you didn't communicate w/ her. She could be feeling mentally betrayed and as such, sure isn't feeling loving towards you. Plus, her hormones are still not back to normal after a miscarriage and it is a very painful thing because SHE wanted that child and basically it is as if a child died. She is sensing you could care less other than to get more sex. Take care of her emotional needs and the other will fall back in place eventually. To have a LIFE you need patience; even if only to hold a job, set/ reach goals for your family. All you seem to be worried about is sex. I commend you for saying you would never cheat on her though. Stick to that and work on communicating w/ her about EVERYTHING, starting w/ your plans for a bigger family or not. My guess is she is feeling alone, tired and emotional now, which is normal. She needs your LOVE, concern and some pampering. How about doing something that shows you care about her as a person, not just a sex object? Give her an hour long back rub w/o expecting it to lead to sex. NOT just ONCE but for a few nights. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. You sound very young and need to yes, again, learn patience! Clean the house a bit or ask her what she thinks you could do to help in ALL areas, not just sex. Bottom line? You wife isn't feeling loved AND you need to talk about the child you both lost.

Answer 4

The physical act of infidelity is not necessarily the most damaging element. A extra-marital affair is almost always conducted in secrecy. This secrecy, particularl once it is discovered, undermines marriage. The idea of trust openness, sharing and the belief that you belong to something all will unquestionabl be damaged. At this point, the cheater needs to own up to things and the victim need to be able to express what they are going through openly. Then the issue that led to the affair can be addressed and both parties need to take responsibility for the problem and how they will be fixed. Yes, a marriage can survive infidelity and a happy marriag can be restored with patience, sincerity and effort. Some of the hurdles that will arise are the victim’s inability to get over the deception, the adulterer’s inability to realize what they have done and how wrong it is or a general inability to address and fix the underlying problems. Recovery takes 1 to 3 years so be patient.

Answer 5

One thing, You will never forget what happened. Our brians always do remember sad incidents more prominantly than the happy ones.. All there is you can do is pick up where you have left off. Sex is not life its just a part of it. But if you consider the sanctitiy of marriage, then, take a look around you.. the society is growning and we all have started accepting the fact that our brides have pre-marrital sex, and other stuff we have come to accept, which was incomprihensable untill recently. Just dont beat ur self up on this. I do not believe in the once a cheat always a cheat saying.. When have you deliberatly made a mistake twice. Its not going to happen if she says its not going to.
Comming to how you can get over this??? You have to start spending more time with her.. Get out more.. Talk to her about how u feel. Its alright to let her know that you dont trust her as much. And you have to strengthen the bond between you two. since you are already in counselling, that is a good place to sort out ur differences and talk about issues that bother you about eachother.. Dont throw away ur marriage on account of this. Live life to the fullest and be happy.

Answer 6

Give time time.

You've been through a lot.

I give you a lot of credit for staying, and for trying to forgive her and work it out, and for going together to a counselor.

Recommitting to each other is a wonderful thing -- it can build quite a bridge.

You are going to go through a lot of ups and downs. You have a right to be hurt and even angry. It's good that you are acknowledging that and working through it rather than trying to pretend you don't feel that way. You're entitled to grieve and recover at your own pace.

I'm sorry that it hurts so much for you, though. If people out there who are considering the thrill of an affair read your words, maybe they'll understand that it's about so much more than selfish "entitlement to understanding". Affairs can deeply hurt good, kind spouses who would have done anything to make things right if only they had known their partner was considering straying.

Not everyone is as lucky as your wife. Lots of partners leave an unfaithful spouse. I hope she is grateful. It sounds like you have a very loving relationship that just took a tragic wrong turn.

Good marriages recover from affairs. It can happen for you so long as you are willing to work together and be bigger than your problems. An affair is often a symptom of a deeper problem. Let this tragedy turn in to an opportunity to make your marriage stronger than ever.

The important thing to remember is that you are both working to save your marriage and that no outside force can prevail against that now that you're working together.

Good luck to you -- may you be blessed for your steadfastness and patience.

Answer 7

7 years is a long time to throw away. If this is the first time she has ever done this then she should be forgiven. Try to find out what caused her to go out and have an affair. Evaluate the situation and try to change things up a little. Think of the happy times you have together and make sure she understands that you don't wanna leave her but you are still upset. It's good to forgive and forget. It may take time but if it takes to long she just might give up begging for your forgiveness and do it again. Pray about and seek guidance from the Lord.

Answer 8

At this point the important thing is how did you find out.

If she brought it to your attention, you must ask why.
Was it to relieve the guilt she was feeling?
Was it to hurt you.
It can only be one of those two.

Is she still working with this man.
If so, why?
That must end, one of the two of them must go.
If he is in a position of authority, then it must be him.
If it she that is in the position of authority, or equals then it mus t be her that leaves.

If he is married, does his wife know, and if so who told her.
If not, let her live in peace.

The bottom line is you can not forgive her, until you understand what was the motive for the affair, an answer of I don't know is not an answer, but just away of inflicting more pain on you and
dodging the responsibility. Remember it was not you action that did this. She spread her legs, opened her mouth or both.

She did not make a mistake, a mistake is when you make a wrong turn, forgot your wallet in the car or forgot to charge the cell phone. What she did she did with full knowledge, of her actions nothing less. Do not make excuses for her. Her family meant very little to her during that month.

Don't try to ease her pain, don't ad to it, but don't try to ease it.

Answer 9

I was cheated too while i was working in oversea & preparing our wedding . We were living together 6 years before and After that we got marriage, I moved back with my husband. Within a month I found out the SKDHFKD?? girl whom I known/respect her well tried to call him and heard from her directly that she came over & stay in our place and slept with him ( in our bed).

It took times for me too to forget everything but iidid it. Get something that you are interesting to do, sport or social with friends. DONT stay ALONE BY YOURSELF. meditation & talked only once with only your close friend who you can shared. Once only and no more talking about this to help you feel much better to release and going oversea together. I could not sleep & lost my weight 4 kg within 2 weeks and was 38 kg. I could not go anywhere as we just got marriage. I thought of suicide but when I thought of my parents I stop thinking about that. It took me almost 2 years to get rid all of this and now i look back I couldn't believed I did it. That's how I did and we are living together for 8 years now
since it 's happened.

Answer 10

Forgiveness is divine, but nobody says its easy. The only thing that will heal your wounds is time. It sounds like you are on the right track. You know you can't keep holding it over her head if you want things to work out in the end. You have to make an effort to hide your hurt regardless of how its tearing you up inside. You have a family and you need to hold it together. If you feel your pain getting the best of you, take a walk or drive. Maybe play with your kids. Nothing is ever going to happen to make you forget what happened, but you can learn to accept it and move on. Good luck, bud and I hope you and your family rebounds from this.

Answer 11

Very difficult question to answer, but the answer is.. if you want to, you just. let. it. go. You flush it, and you move on. You have already said that you wish to stay together with your wife, and you have several reasons to do so. (chief among them your two Little Ones.)

Of course you still feel hurt. What she did was no little thing. But..

1. you realized that her affair was more a symptom than the problem itself.
2. you chose to get counseling.
3. you recommitted to your relationship, and you're focusing on making your wife feel like she doesn't need to look elsewhere to find what she needed but wasn't getting from the marriage..

You're on the road to recovery. Seriously. Forgiveness is something she's going to have to earn from you as time goes by, and as you two continue to work on your issues, both as a couple, and on your own as individuals. But you have to allow her to earn your forgiveness, with her continued commitment, honesty, and fidelity. I beleive it will come to you, maybe little by little, or maybe all at once, in a blinding flash of inspiration that reminds you of all the ten million reasons you LOVE your wife, truly, fully, unconditionally, forever, come what may and no matter what.

I've always thought that "forgive and forget" is a bit unrealistic. As you know, forgiveness doesn't come easily sometimes, and forgetfulness... Well, as they say, those who forget are doomed to have history repeat. Just make sure that you and your wife continue communicating honestly with each other, and cooperating as equal partners to nurse your marriage back to health and make it work.

As for me, I remember everything. Maybe you have that curse, too. But the good news is that we can choose to leave the past where it should be. Remember it, learn from it, but don't use it as a weapon.

Happy Anniversary, and best of luck to you.