I went to my consulor today and we talked about me being like a mom to my friends that are really messed up, and she asked me to think about how I can hang out with them without becoming like them.
Im not sure I get it, well I get the question... I just dont what to say. any ideas?
2006-12-06 13:13:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous in Social Science ➔ Psychology
Well, she just asked me how I could hang around them without becoming like them, I just dont know what to say.....
she didnt tell me my friends were messed up or anything, I said that they have problems and they always lean on me... but they never give anything back.....
2006-12-07 12:12:13 · update #1
Sounds like she wants you to figure out how you can still hang out with your friends but not let them influence you in a bad way or maybe perhaps manipulate you... I'm not sure, maybe.
2006-12-06 13:19:24 · answer #1 · answered by kittyandcj 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, here's what I would say, but don't just repeat it to her. She's asking you to think about this and come up with an answer because she wants you to actually DO it.
Here's what I would say/do:
I can hang out with my friends who have lots of problems as long as their behavior doesn't have negative consequences for me. If they are planning to do something which could get me in trouble, then I'll just make up a reason why I have to go home.
If they are in serious trouble, I will go to my (mom, teacher, trusted adult, etc) and tell them that I want to help my friend, but it's really beyond anything I could do for them.
I want to hang out with them because I feel I can be a positive influence on them, and help them to feel like they will be able to fix their problems and eventually lead a very stable, happy fulfilling life.
2006-12-06 21:24:44 · answer #2 · answered by keengrrl76 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The thing is we become like who we associate with. Is your councilor co-dependent? Are we supposed to try to correct everyone or change everyone? That is not our job. The question is why are you hanging out Friends who are so messed up? What can we really do to help others? We can try to give some words of advice but if they don't act at all on them and keep wallowing in their crapppp and never change yet always dump their garbage on you then dump them period. Or that would be considered dysfunctional relationships. And co-dependent. (addicted to unhealthy relationships)
2006-12-06 21:40:34 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a problem LOTS of people have, "co-dependency."
If you want to see an example of this dramatized, watch the Alan Arkin film, THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER. It's a great film, very true to life, and at the end of it you will see what might happen to yourself if you continue to be co-dependent.
Many people stay around friends who are inadequate, self-destructive, and needy because that is how they were raised in their family. They were taught as children that THEY didn't matter---only what they did for other people mattered. This means they de-valued themselves and their uniqueness, rights, boundaries, safety, etc. They set out to follow this route through life, but it is unhealthy. People should not live their lives for or through other people. They should not build themselves around "people-pleasing." It is an escape from reality----it eventually makes the people someone's trying to help resent the "helper," and sometimes makes them much worse. You shouldn't live to please others, or to justify your own existence. You have a right to exist and be yourself.
Worrying about other people's problems means you have no time or energy or space left in your life for your own problems.
2006-12-06 21:30:23 · answer #4 · answered by papyrusbtl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure if being a mom to your peers is a workable solution, since I would expect your peers to perceive such behavior as odd.
I am also not sure if a young person can be expected to hang out with other kids and not be effected by their attitudes and behaviors.
Perhaps you and your counselor need to think about this a little more, and find a more practical solution.
2006-12-06 21:20:09 · answer #5 · answered by Clown Knows 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In essence, in a group of friends you will have one who is the "mothering" type and try to protect all from themselves mostly, you will have the "always fun" friend who just like to party all the time, and you will have some who fall somewhere in between.
But when you have friends whose lives may be going in a direction unbecoming of them and their character, there needs to be someone in the group who will love them enough to talk to them and try to help them without taking on and assuming their problems as their own.
2006-12-06 23:00:20 · answer #6 · answered by â¤??? ?å???? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, your counsoler wants you to be the grown up for your friends and not be infulenced in what they do. She is putting the burdon on you and telling you to whip them into shape.
Thats kinda rediculous she would say something like that to you.
2006-12-06 21:22:32 · answer #7 · answered by anacacia2002 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are you a Caretaker of your friends? Putting aside your own needs to help them, and getting your strokes from that?
Perhaps you need a large dose of 'self-care'. Giving yourself permission to take care of YOU. That you deserve your own attention and help.
2006-12-06 22:23:32 · answer #8 · answered by concernedjean 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are trying to mother your friends.
You need time for yourself, to just be yourself.
Your friends can look after themselves.
If they don't, the will never learn.
2006-12-06 21:19:40 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋