Comment on my poem?

Question

Sometimes I dream of clouds,
Sheep that bleat and go grey in the rain,
Broken heating pipes.
Blackberry-dark fingernails,
Digging in the yard.
Oh, to have a yard.
Leathery cows with wet nostrils,
Who break the fencing every week,
And mooch down the dirt road.

I remember those immortal words:
‘Get a taste of real life’
and the way I thought of Canary Wharf
as opportunity.

Yet here I am now, in the city,
A rush of dust and carhorns, pickled businessmen.
And I can’t breathe.


Thanks for any comments :) x

You know, if you could actually tell me WHY it sucked, there might be a point in you answering...

Halcyon, that is a good point, I do tend
to
do stuff
like that :P

Answer 1

Thats REALLY good! Why not change the bit about clouds, because you can see them in the city too. Or are the clouds the sheep? And maybe change 'leathery cows with wet nostrils' to 'cows with leathery wet nostrils'

Answer 2

I think your poem has some great original imagery and conveys a strong sense of loss and longing. Even the smells are there, of the countryside, without you actually referring to them. That's a mark of good poetry, in my book. You might think about inserting something that suggests the very different smell of Canary Wharf. Or the smell of money...opportunity, whatever that is. You could do it think about making it a little more cohesive overall. Also think about marrying together some of your words and phrases, even if you bound a little into the abstract, it could be worth trying - e.g.
clouds that bleat. I, anyway, see the clouds you refer to as sheep....one step away, and we have taken your clean imagery into a slightly sharper abstraction that should still be very understandable to the reader (if they've any artistic gumption, that is!). I love the blackened fingers and broken heating pipes. I think you could delete the obvious such as 'oh to have a yard; that sense is felt, you don't' need to say it. I hope that's helpful. Good luck with your writing. You have inspired me to maybe post something of my own.


If you haven't already done so, there are some good poetry forums on the net - try the American The Critical Poet. Various categories for your level of expertise...always find it worth posting something there.. You probably already know to avoid the likes of Poetry.com...scams, unfortunately. They post everything and anything to get the sales from books.


Sometimes I dream of clouds,
Sheep that bleat and go grey in the rain,
Broken heating pipes.
Blackberry-dark fingernails,
Digging in the yard.
Oh, to have a yard.
Leathery cows with wet nostrils,
Who break the fencing every week,
And mooch down the dirt road.

I remember those immortal words:
‘Get a taste of real life’
and the way I thought of Canary Wharf
as opportunity.

Yet here I am now, in the city,
A rush of dust and carhorns, pickle

Answer 3

This will surely make me unpopular but it's true. I always want the truth, but I want it to make sense. Some of the people I have met here give what I assume is well-meaning advice, but their suggestions would ruin the poem in innumerable ways. If I were less experienced and less knowledgeable, I would not find this aggravating, but I ceased being inexperienced years ago. If someone does not like the poem's concept or language, I would like to hear why. If someone thinks the syntax is strained, tell me why. But you'd better know what it is you're talking about, because I have to be able to learn something from you if you offer advice. Unfortunately, that rarely happens unless I have the good fortune to catch Hypocorism in an off moment and he stops to analyze and respond. If you like what I write and wish to compliment me, that's okay. If you genuinely offer a suggestion that is well-informed, even better. If you offer me garbage that demonstrates nothing but how little care you take with words and suggest I do the same, then shame on you. Tact is very important, don't get me wrong. But eventually, I'd like to see some well-informed analysis of poems and thoughtful suggestions. I've given more than my share, and now I will wait to see how many others can, or will, follow. How's that for truth?!

Answer 4

I like the concrete imagery. It has some nice assonance, too. "Sheep that bleat and go grey in the rain" flows very well. To me, the ending doesn't seem to work, though. I don't think it's necessary to say that the narrator is in the city and can't breathe. The sense of loss is implied already, in the earlier lines.

Keep writing, and good luck.

Answer 5

It is very thought provoking, an appeal to a saner life, using words and phrses whose use in the context is not immediately aparent, so the reader has to think about it. It's the sort of poetry I like to write on a good day. Keep it up, you obviously have a talent.

Answer 6

I like, like, like poems that have no rhyme or meter, and I really like yours!
Good choice of words, and I think you did a great job of putting it all together.
I believe you have real talent! Keep writing!

And yeesh, can I ever relate to the part about the cows breaking the fence and getting loose; it happens here all the time! :^P

Answer 7

There's a lot of imagery and feeling that I can sense from reading your poem. To me it sounds like you are familar with the country or a rural setting. I sense you feel like a fish out water living in an urban environment (I'm guessing smoggy Los Angeles).

edit: I always rhyme in my poetry yet my English professor told me the best poetry doesn't rhyme. He told me that poems are about using words and using rhythm in a way that it can tell a novel's worth of information with very little when at its best.

Even though he has told me this,
I'm still a rhyming altruist.
As a poet, you are truly free
to make the rules that you believe!

Answer 8

Sounds to me like you ventured forward and now regret it. Sounds like you miss the country and are fed up in the city

Answer 9

I hate hate hate poems that have no rhyme and no meter.

But I liked this. Just don't
devolve
into prose with random spaces and lines that
don't have anywhere close to the same number of syllables
as each other.

Answer 10

Sounds like you are a country guy trying to get back there. But the money just ain't good enough. See where you want to be and go there. Money don't buy happiness.