I need male and females to answer this question. My husband feels that it is nothing wrong to have contact with females that he has slept with over the years. I think that it is wrong and can potentially lead to other activity. He seems to always try and reach out to these females when he is mad at me. I feel that if you have had a sexual relationship that it is not right to go to these females and discuss our marriage. Most of these women are still single and still have feelings for him. Am I just plain stupid or paranoid????
2006-12-06 10:54:32 · 27 answers · asked by Marie 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
No, you are not stupid. I agree with you completely. From my personal perspective, I would add two things: it's not ok for a spouse to be running to *anyone* as soon as there's an argument in the family; you don't take your dirty laundry out of the house, it is highly unappropriate. It's one thing to ask a trusted friend for advice in a difficult matter, and a whole other thing to be sharing personal details with other people on every occasion you get. Two - your husband's choice of confidants (women he had had prior relationships with) points at the fact that he is highly insecure. He craves reassurance, and what better way to get it than from prior "conquests".
I don't think that the ONLY way to handle your former relationships is to never speak to them again. People sometimes keep in touch with former "flames" - even if it's a quick e-mail a couple of times a year. You can't throw away your whole life prior to marriage; certain things you will always remember, certain people you will always feel somewhat close to. But I think it is inappropriate and dysfunctional to make a point out of confiding in your former mates; this smacks of trying to use it as a tool to control and manipulate one's spouse. And this is never a good thing in marriage.
2006-12-06 11:06:40 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you should be worried. It sounds like he is keeping his options open, that he knows he has someone to go to should the two of you breakup.
Personally, I think the keeping casual contact with old girlfriends, in the form of an occasional email or phone call, is okay. They might still be considered friends. But, talking to them often and about your marital problems is very inconsiderate on his part.
However, I don't know how you will make this stop. If you tell him that you won't stand for this, it will drive him away. And if you allow him to continue, then it will be a wedge between you as well (and less reason for him to work at the relationship since he knows he has an out). Perhaps you two need to counselor, or another third party, to give your both a forum where you can work this out.
2006-12-06 11:14:14 · answer #2 · answered by Wundt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your not paranoid! other wise you wouldn't be asking your self "AM I PARANOID!" you know there is something NOT RIGHT with that.
He's just being an *** if he does it when he's mad at you, he's basically just trying to make you more mad. He's a child and needs lots of attention obviously. Tell him to grow up already do you have FRIENDSHIP RELATIONSHIPS with your EX? Next time you guys are upset with each other CALL YOUR EX over for Coffee see how he likes that one hahaha!
2006-12-06 11:02:09 · answer #3 · answered by SecretFriend 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I completely disagree with you, as I am a man. It is perfectly all right to still have friendly relationships with girls you have known (and done things with) in the past. When he is mad at you and he reaches out to them he is just trying to make you jealous. If you don't trust him to be able to still be faithful to you while having friendly relationships with other women, you don't deserve to be his wife, you are being completely paranoid.
2006-12-06 10:59:44 · answer #4 · answered by Bond 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is it possible for you to speak to men in past relationships? Probably not in his mind. I'd ask though. I can only say that if he has this behavior now, he probably had it before you married him. In that case, you got yourself into it by accepting it. You have the issue of trust and only you can resolve it. You need to let him know what it would take for you to trust him. If he can't do that, then you at least have some direction.
2006-12-06 11:12:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd say he's looking for something. Maybe not actually sex (but maybe so), maybe it's a ego thing, it's hard to say. But you're right to be concerned.
Someone said he's looking for attention. That's probably true. But hanging out with old girlfriends is the wrong approach.
Others suggested counseling. That's the best advice if you can get him to go. If not, go yourself.
2006-12-06 10:59:19 · answer #6 · answered by MathGuy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I totally agree with you! I would not be comfortable with that and your husband should understand your position. There's nothing that he needs or can get from them, that he shouldn't be able to get from YOU.
If he's doing it when he's mad at you, he's just a selfish jerk and needs to understand that's not the way through a loving marriage.
2006-12-06 10:56:31 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO! you're not stupid, but your husbands actions towards you leads me to believe that he thinks you are for allowing this. You need to sit him down & share your feelings about what this is doing to your marriage.
2006-12-06 11:10:00 · answer #8 · answered by WhyNotMe 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you. I think it's inappropriate and discussing your personal marriage issues with old lovers sounds to me like a form of infidelity. It's a betrayal of the vows: forsaking all others wasn't only about sex- it was about trust and emotional intimacy.
2006-12-06 10:57:53 · answer #9 · answered by Violet Pearl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh no. Thats a bad sign. He needs help or your relationship is going to eventually end up down the drain.
2006-12-06 10:57:05 · answer #10 · answered by shootingstar0212 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋