What should a person do when they're still in love with someone they can no longer be with?

Question

What should a person do who still loves someone they can no longer be with? I'd like to be with her but circumstances make it so I can't be. So we have to be apart and no longer spend any time together. And no, this isn't a teenage romance...we're both into our 5th decade. She's married, I'm married. I can put time into my marriage and I have and it's paying off in a very good way, but there's still a huge hole in me with anxiety, grief and depression to go with it where this other woman fit into my life. What would you do?

Answer 1

Honestly, there is no answer for this. If this other woman filled the void in your life, you need to find out as to why she was able to fill that void and not your wife or most importantly why you couldn't do that yourself.

There is really nothing else you can do. It seems that you have taken the appropriate steps in spending more time with your wife. And I'm pretty sure you are keeping yourself preoccupied with work to stop thinking about her. What you are missing is accepting the fact that you cannot be with her. You have told yourself that, plenty of times and your mind has accepted it, but not your heart.

Just let her go. As the saying goes, "it is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all." I think you just need to accept the fact that you love this woman, and you will always love her, and that it is okay to love her even if you can't be with her. Maybe you can never get over her or maybe you will...that's up to you. But if I was in your situation, I would take it day by day. I would remind myself that it is going to get easier.

Answer 2

I can appreciate your situation. It is hard to tell your heart to feel a certain way just because that is what your brain tells you is right. I believe you already know the answer to your own question. You are married and so is she. If you really want to be together that would have to change, but what I would really want to know is what made you look for her in the first place? Is there something in your marriage that you feel is missing? Is the newness, energy, discovery, spontaneity gone? It is hard to stay with the same person for a long time with out getting bored. Also, is there something about you that you aren't happy with? I encourage you to look into your marriage and put that extra energy in there, but more over I think that looking at yourself perhaps with the help of a therapist would be most beneficial.

Also, and I know you don't want to hear this, at some point you will need to talk with your wife about this. She may already be suspicious and have doubts about what has been going on lately. By being honest with her you are showing her that she is who you are choosing to be with. You want to make her a priority and you want to rebuild the connection and trust the two of you once had.

Good luck!

Answer 3

I loved my boyfriend for seven months after we broke up and then I started hating him. Time will take care of these feelings. Right now, you may feel like you wish the world would just swallow you up. You may want things to be black and white - picture perfect and simple. Things won't work out that way. Life ins't that way - as you well know. Try not to dwell on her. Don't talk to her anymore, remove all connection you had with this person. It will make moving on so much easier. Spend time with your family. Focus more on your marriage. It was where you should have been in the first place - but I'm not here about that. I hope that this helps you in some way.

Answer 4

The big hole in you that anxiety, grief and depression is God telling you something, You need to put him first. Don't tell me you do. Know you don't because if you did your heart will be filled with want God all ready gave you. God don't like when we put every think before him. That empty hole you feel it's not for a other person to fill when you all ready have a wife your spirit is closed up.

Answer 5

You have made a choice that you have to live with.It is a common yet painful part of life to stick by your choices and let go of what cannot be.It does not make a difference what age you are the emotions you are feeling are very real but you cannot act on them.You may feel like this forever.Love never dies but you put it on a shelf and you live your life one day at a time. Be thankful for the ability to feel strongly and to have met someone you connect with so deeply.

Answer 6

That's a tough one! I would say time heals all. Put your mind and heart into the things that work in your life, and the more time passes, you will heal. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but I think that with some patience it will get better. Don't be too hard on yourself right now, and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Day by day in every way you will get better. Hope this helps.

Answer 7

You both shoul,d be ashamed of yourselves for cheating on your spouses. How would you feel if your wife was cheating on you? The fact that you are both in your 5th decade says that you should know better.

Answer 8

first i would talk to my wife about it just so it was out in the open. write her even if you don't mail the letter. is she married too? maybe the 4 of you can go out once in a while and all become great friends.

Answer 9

loving them both means you don't love either of them enough. if you want to be taotally honest about your feelings, tell your wife. if you can work through it, stay. if not find out how your lady love feels and maybe divorce would be in order for both of you. life is too short not to be with the one you truly love, but you need to decide who that is.

Answer 10

life is about choices. sounds as if you made your decision and as if you love your wife and thats the way it should be. you made promises and committments and the honorable thing to do is respect them.it may not be easy,but you'll at least be able to respect the man in the mirror tomorrow.