Why is bisexuality polarized by whom you talk to?

Question

There is a problem that I am dealing with right now: if I talk to my straight friends, my bisexuality is misconstrued as "only gay" or it is just a phase and I am really straight. The same is true with my gay friends. They consider bisexuality to be a cop out and accuse me of lying to myself about actually being gay.

Why can't people accept that sexuality is fluid and should fit my lifestyle choices? If I date both men and women and enjoy them different but equally, then in my opinion I am bisexual. What can I do to avoid the polarization of my sexuality?

(Sorry for the multiple questions, but some of them are rhetorical.)

Just another thought to throw out there. I have been hearing from a lot of people that sexuality is defined by whom you are dating. That is why there can be no such thing as bisexuality unless monogamy goes out the window. What are your thoughts on this?

Answer 1

This is a fantastic question! Bisexuality is so misunderstood, so full of myths, fears, invisibility, and outright hatred from both sides that it's great any chance we get to talk about the truth behind bisexuality.

You ask why your bisexuality is polarized by who you talk to; to me, the answer is obvious- nobody believes bisexuality exists. Straight people think that bisexuals are either 1) gay and in denial, 2) gay and lying to avoid the stigma of being gay, 3) greedy nymphomaniacs, 4) indecisive people who can't make up their minds or don't want to choose, 5) going through a phase or experimenting, 6) doing it because it's trendy and popular, etc., etc.. It comes partially from the fact that they, along with gay people, are what I term 'monosexuals'- they only love one sex, and have a hard time believing anyone can like both (just like I have a hard time believing there are people who only like one . . . of course, I've never made the outrageous claims about straight and gay people that they seem to make about bisexuals). They simply can't imagine it, therefore they think it doesn't exist. Add to that the fact that so many people do, in fact, come out as bisexual only to later come out fully as gay (either they didn't quite realize or their sexuality changed later, a la Elton John), and gay people hiding behind bisexuality as a way to make their homosexual desires more palatable- and most people feel it's all a sham. Then there's that famous study that came out saying that bisexual men don't exist, but are either gay or straight- no matter that we've discovered the flaws in their data collection and methodology- people read the headline and consider it to be true. Throw into the mix the awful myth that bisexual men were the ones to spread AIDS from the gay community to the straight community, and now the misunderstandings and done with- it's oftentimes outright hatred.

Gay people have the same prejudices, only vice-versa- they feel that it's a trendy phase or experimentation, that the person is gay and just pretending to get straight perks/less of a gay stigma, or vice-versa- straight pretending to be bisexual in order to get those perks (like men who are into bisexual women or women who seem attracted to gay/bisexual men).

Your other question also brings up a good point- there are so many more myths. If one finally accepts that bisexuals exist and are a legitimate sexual orientation, then they think that we are sex-crazed maniacs who love polyamory and group sex and all that. I've heard people propose that you aren't bisexual unless you have had sexual experiences with both sexes, which is ridiculous, I can tell you, as a bisexual virgin myself. That would mean that all virgin teenagers have no sexual orientation! Gay, straight, bisexual, whatever- you ain't it until you've done it with someone, which is the most idiotic thing I've ever heard. People think you aren't bisexual unless you are dating both sexes at the same time, which is just as fallacious- there are so many happy, committed monogamous bisexuals out there. And I agree with you that your sexual orientation is NOT defined by who you are dating. It's all about your desires. There are so many closeted individuals who, while keeping their sexuality a secret, dated and even married and had children with opposite sex partners- were they straight?? Of course not- if they weren't sexually attracted to that gender, then they weren't that. Who you date is not a determiner of your sexuality.

I'm sorry that people can't accept your sexuality- you are bisexual, and the only way you can avoid such polarization is to educate, educate, educate, and live by example. Show people that you are just what you are, and hopefully they will understand.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Hmm, I run into the same thing.

Sexuality has to do with whom you are attracted to. Only the fundamentalist wanna define it the other way. If you're gay and in the closet, your still gay.

Since my last relationship was with my bf and gf, I'd be pretty hard to state I was otherwise. Personally, I prefer the term pansexual (more accurate, at least in my case).

I'm a polyamorous pansexual. :)

I really think most people like to polarize it because bisexuals don't fit in the boxes they've set out in their own minds. It's a gay or straight thing.

Answer 3

As you talk to people you become more aware of your attraction to them, that's natural. It's easy in the heat of the moment with someone you find attractive to find them more attractive than the other people you find attractive, if you get my meaning.

Sexuality is a scale from straight to gay, and noone is completely at one end, they're just somewhere along the fluid scale.

On top of that it could be age, in the words of a wise man, `now is about the time you decide which bus you get on`. And with all those feelings floating about and you trying to realise which side you fit on or whether you fit between, that could be why you fluctuate.

Answer 4

Bisexuality is not defined by whom you date or if you physically act on your urges. Bisexuality is your internalized ability to be sexually attracted to and to be aroused by both sexes.

Bisexuals get nonsense thrown at them by their straight and gay friends. Members of both groups operate with the rose-colored glasses of their own orientation.

You don't mention any bisexual friends, only straight or gay ones. Get one, good platonic male bisexual friend and you will feel validated at last.

Answer 5

Yeah--what they said! You don't even have to explain your sexuality to anyone! To Thine Own-self be true..People will always want to change you to be more like "them". Be You and they can change to be who they want..See, everyone is always trying to put you in a little box where they can control you or label you..I say keep being open and fluid and keep your polarization bright and just worry the hell of the labeled folk....Your on a roll!