Submitting a poem to school paper but am nervous.Do you think it's a good read & is the concept easy to get?

Question

2for1

I'd rather suffer
another
long
eternity
than break the delicate strings
of
the bitter reality I've
fabricated
to deny your
exisitence
and my love for you
Each gentle chord bears
the weight of a
deeply
hidden
sadness it cannot
begin to fathom

another long eternity
of fabricated existance
deeply hidden.

***good Criticism welcome

Answer 1

Yes, submit it. It is a good, honest effort, and says what you want to express without adding flourishes or obscuring emotion.

Actually, this is a difficult thing to do without a lot of practice. You are starting well.

If you want rewrite advice, I have a couple of things to mention. If you remove lines 6 and 7, you can see a cleaner image, which may or may not convey what you intended.

In line 12, remove the word gentle: a gentle chord is one that is played, but the earlier metaphor of strings relates to chords as weight-bearing, not musical. If you wish to use the idea both ways, please do. A bridge from delicate strings to gentle (musical), chords might then be useful.

Also, after you are satisfied with it, or after it has been published, move on to the next one.

Nikki Giovanni wrote that her poems are finished when she is ready for them to see print. That is as good advice as any for a beginning poet. It means to change and rewrite until you are satisfied with your poem, and then move on to a new poem.

It also means to learn about yourself enough to be satisfied with your own work, regardless of what others say.

Keep writing.

Answer 2

after I really have doubts about what I really have written, I positioned it away for no less than a month earlier searching at it back. i hit upon that forgetting about it enables me emotional distance from it that i opt to guage it extra objectively. My experience is that there's a lot extra to assert in this poem and that it is not complete yet. It has good style yet continues to be a vignette. save at it because someone of your intelligence shouldn't use all of her thoughts the following interior the Yamster's vast black hollow...

Answer 3

Yes, the poem is very good and well written. But is is a bit deep for a school paper? You've obviously lost someone and you want them to see it in the paper? I wouldn't go with that approach.

Answer 4

Wow! You did well - I thoroughly enjoyed reading it!

Merry Christmas!

Answer 5

I like your poem. Submit it as is.

Answer 6

Got any more herb?