Help! My 11 year old son seems to be the 'perfect victim' on offer out there ... He complains of bullying.

Question

I have reached a point where I don't know how to help any more.
He sees his years in school as a continuum of bullying, constant unhappiness and that breaks my heart as I know it isn't the case!
He was abused quite seriously by a classmate & gang when he was five. That was nicely brushed under the carpet and not seriously dealt with, so I moved him to my school, where I ended up teaching him myself for 2 years (nightmare, but better than feeling that he wasn't looked after properly elsewhere). He did have problems with other kids in that school too, although most of those knew me and respected me enough to 'go easy'... But obviously, there had to be something about my son for this to happen again?
I changed jobs to go part-time so as to make more time for him and so he went to the local school for his last year in primary. Again, there were problems with name-calling and hassle, which were kept under control by very efficient staff there.
Now it's started again in high school!

Sorry, I'm still new at this: only just discovered the 'add details' button, which I should have used earlier instead of submitting the same question with altered information. Some answers showed me that there was an amount of misunderstanding which needed addressing: We live in the UK, where high school is for 11 to 17/18 years old kids. In some towns, like in ours, the secondary school is called 'college'. I'll be careful to be more specific in the future. Thank you, most of you, for really helpful answers -all quite matter-of-fact, the sort I could think of for other people... But I just can't think when in a crisis, too close to home!

Answer 1

I'm really sorry to hear that that's happening to your son. Bullying can be awful.

What I would say is that firstly, bullying is kind of unavoidable. Some kids get picked on because other children usually aren't mature enough to be able to accept difference or awkwardness. But intervening too much, or publicly complaining might make things worse for him. Maybe you should talk to someone at his school, but I think the very best thing to do is to make sure at home that he is loved unconditionally and knows what a wonderful person is, and understands that the people who bully him at school are the ones deserving of pity, and that they are really not worth worrying about.

Answer 2

Why is he in highschool at 11?! Thats the reason right there!. Could it be the kids get wind that he maybe a "mommas boy" ( due to the moving around since he is being picked on and you teaching him yourself for 2 yrs) ? I can't tell you without knowing your son so i would suggest you stop trying to sheild him. People are mean and theres not much we can do about it besides try to raise our children right to stop producing mean spirited kids. If he keeps running it will never stop and he may end up running from other problems in life if he feels it gets too deep. Good luck, sorry your son is having an awful time with it. Maybe he should reach out and build a strong friendship with other kids who may get picked on ( he cant be the only one) and the alliances he builds may help his self esteem and help him get through the rough times. Encourage him to be social and don't let him be a recluse.

Answer 3

Check out safeplace.com ... the best advice as a teacher that I gave my students was: If you hear someone else bullying, come tell me about it. We talked about what the definition of bullying was.

Safeplace is all about setting up a system of classmates safeguarding and watchdog-ing each other so that if bullying is taking place, teachers become aware and deal with the problem.

Of course support in the principal's office and in all homes would make the program doubly effective ...

Something else, too : Kids do better when they have friends in different places -- through school, church, karate, choir, whatever. Your goal during this rough period might be finding a place where your son feels well-liked and surrounded by friendly faces.

Answer 4

college?? good Grief, why have not you gotten the authorities curious about this previous to this? My son became bullied interior the seventh grade and that i visit guarantee you, i became waiting for the critical and the police with him once i got here upon out. the wear is done for your baby by now and that i'd encourage him because that he's an individual, the contact the community authorities and get this addressed as we talk! good luck!

Answer 5

Do not fall into the trap of blaming the victim or letting your son believe there is something wrong with him and that he is attracting abusive people. There are bad people in the world and they seem to sense fear. It is important that you provide an environment that is safe so he can grow and learn and develop self-confidence.

Is there a parochial school in your area? If so, go there and discuss the problem and see if they feel they can provide a good education and a healthy environment for your boy. It could make all the difference in the world to him.

Answer 6

I suggest talking to his principal about a Bully Hotline or a Bully Box. That's what we have at my school. Every time someone sees another kid getting bullied, they slip an anonymous note into the bully box or they call the bully hotline and notify the school. It's easy, anonymous, and safe. It works excellently for my school.

Answer 7

i can understand "fixing" problems for a child when they are young, but now that he's getting older, what more can you really do for the kid?...you said it yourself, the kid is a "victim", that is how you see it, and you have probably taught him to see himself this way also...nothing changes if nothing changes...the kid needs to take a new stance...he needs to learn to stick up for himself,because the harsh reality of the world and growing up is that mom can't take care of everything anymore...and if the kid continues to see himself as a victim, he will continue to have the same problems with other kids, and the vicious circle goes around...

Answer 8

I think your son needs to start standing up for him self, I not saying the bully is right, but they prey on weakness. If you son takes initative to be confrantational with them they will back down. Bullies have weak spots to you have to find them, also teach him a good right hook, my mom taught me!

Answer 9

I'm sorry i feel so bad.......when i wasin jr high i got picked on all the time it sucked..........it went away in highschool but there's really not much u can do. Maybe he can talk to his couselor.

Answer 10

Threaten to sue the school unless they punish your son's tormenters.