more; shes 36 im 41, she moved thousands of miles away. we both have failed marriages and children from those. I told her I would love to marry her just not now.
2 questions
1. after a year she is calling me now and wanting to get back together. why did she leave in the first place? to see if the grass is greener somewhere else? To test me?
2. I havent really talked to her for 4 months unless she calls me. I have been dating and love women. I do love my ex but dont really want to get back into the tugg of war we had. She has lost some weight (which I dont care about that) and gotten some of her stuff together (maturity) but has also piled on the bills.
My heart says get back together and be a better boyfriend, and maybe ask her to marry (only religous not state marriage.)
My gut says maybe retry with caution.
My brain says move on.
My friends say only time will tell and move on, but these friends never have LTR so I dont think they know what there talking about
2006-12-06 07:28:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well, five years is a long time to keep someone on hold. I know it doesn't mean you don't love her...but take it from her perspective. She probably felt like you wouldn't marry her because you were waiting for something better to come along (that tends to be the general male reason for not getting married - though it's not the only reason).
At 36, she is getting older. It is a known fact that it's harder for women over 40 to find someone to settle down with. Have you considered that maybe she doesn't want to end up alone for the rest of her life? She is in a scary position and I have to empathize with her over it.
I have a few friends in her age group that have been in similiar situations. If they wait around for too long...they know they could end up alone. So in her mind, she probably left you because she felt the clock was ticking and that you weren't ever going to commit to her. Even if she loves you, you have to respect the fact that she has to consider her future. There aren't many people that want to grow old alone. In a few years, you might find yourself feeling the same way...and then where will you be? Even men reach an age where they aren't as desireable as they once were.
So consider where she is coming from. I don't think she left you to see if the grass is greener. She obviously loved you...but you have been holding out on her. What are her reasonable expectations from you? Five years is a long time to have not come to some kind of decision, regardless of past divorces (those were different people and different times). I guess a good question for yourself: Why are you avoiding marriage?
Oh and most women magazine's and books tell a women that if he hasn't asked in five years, there is something wrong.
2006-12-06 07:53:10 · answer #1 · answered by Lunasea 4 · 6⤊ 0⤋
No one on here can know all that is going on in your heart and in your mind. BUT, the one thing that stands out in to me in what you said is that you said YOUR HEART said to TRY, and to be a BETTER boyfriend.
That says to me that you feel there might have been ways in which you both let each other down. PErhaps if you had said and done things back then, that you have thought about doing in the year that you've been broken up....well, maybe you would have been happy together and might even be finally married for good.
Failing at a marriage can make a person leary and reactive in future relationships. The key is to belive in love, and to never give up.
You said you've had some other relationships and that you love women.....well, have you had any serious relationships, or has the thought of this particular woman kept haunting you and the relationships you try?
If you think of her while with other women. If your heart says to try again, even with caution...then my advice would be to try again.
Sometimes the timing on a relationship isn't right. But the true test of wether a relationship can last is if you keep coming back to each toher and you still have love.
Good Luck Sir, and Merry Christmas
2006-12-06 07:41:14 · answer #2 · answered by brookebjpl 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
How much more time do you need than 5 years? Maybe she is just tired of being your whore. Yeah move on. I would not have lasted five years with you. If you can't make up you mind after 2, then you should not be together. Of course, I never would have moved in with you either.
Anyway what good is a religious marriage anyway if you are already shacked up and sleeping together. What religion is that okay in?
Most religious marriages are endorsed by the state and considered legal marriages, so I don't know what you mean by that.
2006-12-06 07:34:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
I think since you have your doubts, that under no circumstances should you live together again. It is unhealthy for the kids to have to deal with the attachments and/or heartaches when things go sour. Plus the rent gets behind if there is a split. If she choses to move near you on her dime, then I think you two would be able to re-connect and possibly iron out your issues. Since you both have had failed marriages, I think you should go to pre-marital counseling---if marriage is still desirable for you both. If $ is an issue, most communities have counseling services. I think you should be honest with her about your feelings and set clear boundaries with her. No-one likes to feel like their being taken advantage of---However at times love can feel exactly like that.
2006-12-06 07:50:59 · answer #4 · answered by Yuli P 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think that it is absolutely horrible when a women pressures a man to marry him in the first place - it should be his decision why was she not happy just being your life partner. On the other hand you seem to be like most divorced man still in love with the x hopeing that she will change quit using this women you will know if and when she is the right one for you and if not then find the one who is.
2006-12-06 07:38:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Do her a favor and make a clean break. You have used up five years of her life. Let her go and let her find happiness with someone who is ready to make a life-long commitment to her.
You might be her "Mr. Right" in 90% of the ways that matter, but that other 10%, the part that is about happily ever after, is just not there for her, and it is important.
2006-12-06 07:33:33 · answer #6 · answered by Suzianne 7 · 7⤊ 0⤋
If she left because you weren't ready to marry her, for heavens sake don't marry her just to get her back. With previous divorces and children in the picture, please make very sure you want to jump into that situation again, especially with the debt she's run up. It's not your responsibility to bail her out. Your responsibility is to provide a stable happy environment for your children. She doesn't sound terribly happy or terribly stable. Be careful! Think with your brain! Feelings come & go, but mistakes stick with you for a long time.
2006-12-06 07:37:49 · answer #7 · answered by wht_litening 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Sorry, pal, but it sounds to me like you've become a commitment-phobe, like George Clooney. You strung her along for 5 years and didn't try to even appease her by proposing, and suggesting a long engagement.
Now she wants to get back together, and all that tells me is that she's having a hard time finding somebody else and that she'll SETTLE for you.
And you only want a religious marriage but not a state marriage? Please. Get some balls.
2006-12-06 07:33:43 · answer #8 · answered by concretebrunette 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
You won't trust your friends, but you will trust some faceless 13 yr old on Yahoo Answers? They must be great friends. I also happen to agree with them. She left you, she comes back. . . I'd would be very leery of giving here another chance. If she was not right for 5 years, what makes her right now?
2006-12-06 07:33:07 · answer #9 · answered by DJL2 3 · 5⤊ 1⤋
a smart man like urself???living with what we call a trikk....she's tired of playing the feild now-even thos she prolly told ya she was celibet...IF u get back with her BOTH of you need to get chekkt for any unwanted S.T.D.'s. ..u never knowwwww...I had a friend who only got back with her bf because she needed her teeth fixed...he thinks otherwise and she keeps her other across town...I cant stand femmes who treat guys like youve been treated.ur frenz are smart---BTW?did she play with any of them???(ur frens) mine did and gave two dudes the klap!!!
2006-12-06 07:40:45 · answer #10 · answered by fire fly 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋