Is it wrong to lend my ex $ for when he has the kids for some quality time???

Question

divorced 4 yrs now and he is living at his moms, no job, no child support-hes in huge debt and his car was repo-basically he has hit rock bottom finanacially but still pick up the kids with a big smile on his face and takes them to the park..but always asks for $ to get something for them ie a slurpy at 7/11 or takes them to a matinee on my dime....is it wrong that i give him $ knowing he has no way to pay it back???

Answer 1

Sweetheart, you are "enabling" him. This means that your behavior encourages him to continue what he's currently doing.

Is it wrong? No.

But, there's an old saying--you'll get more of any behavior that you subsidize. You're subsidizing his deadbeat behavior.

It's a good thing that he takes them regularly and cheerfully. And it sounds like he has resources that are low cost (the park!). It's totally up to you, whether you continue to lend him money or not.

The only other consideration--you are modeling behavior for your children. It's generosity on one hand, or being a pushover on the other. You need to decide which example you really want to set for them.

Good luck.

Answer 2

This is iffy. There are 2 scenarios here that could promote 2 different answers.

Scenario 1:
He's jobless, carless, and homeless, basically. You foot the bill every time. You could take him to court and ask the judge to force him to pay child support, then throw him in jail when he can't pay. Dammit, you're not a freakin' ATM!!

Scenario 2:
He's a good dad. He picks up his kids. Right now, he's going through a hard time, but he's maintaining a relationship with his children, and they love their father. If you don't lend him money, the kids will end up saying that it's your fault. You keep lending him money, but at the same time, help him find a job.

Either way, remember this: what you do now will come back to bite you in the ***. It always does. I'm divorced, too, and my daughter's father is useless as a parent. He'd rather be a teenager again. I could be a major *****, but my daughter loves him. I just make it very clear that he will not walk all over me, and one wrong word, he's screwed. Royally.

Answer 3

I kind of agree with violet--and kinda don't. I paid child support for 20 yrs( I do not begrudge one dime of it) , I considered it MY responsibility to have a job and pay that support. My daughter is a wonder full young woman now and a joy in all respects. I guess as long as dad is having a positive effect on the little ones-plus not asking for big bucks it's OK!! But I personally think he needs to grow up and tow the line!!!!

Answer 4

If you can afford it, it's an admirable gesture. Your children may be the only straw he has left to grasp, but he's obviously in love with them and seems to be doing his best to insulate them from his situation. Divorce doesn't have to be about who has the upper hand or who has more money so no...you're not wrong at all. You're a good mother who's putting her children first regardless of whatever caused you and your husband to divorce in the first place. Your children are fortunate to have two parents who truly love them!

Answer 5

it is important for you to foster a healthy relationship between your ex and the kids, so yes, give him the money. The kids will figure it out soon enough, but it will only make you look like a better person.

Answer 6

Hell no.....and my hat is off to you for your generosity. Even though your ex is experiencing hard times, at least (a) he picks up your kids with a smile on his face; and (b) has enough courage to ask for money. Most guys wouldn't do that.

Lol...I wish I had married you...my wife is more concerned about spending money on herself...and I'd rather spend my money on my kid.

Answer 7

Don't look at it as lending him money, consider it paying for your kids' day out