For men only..Serious ostrich question?

Question

Hi guys, maybe girls,

I'll come to the point.
A friend said the best feeling in the world was making love to an Ostrich., better even than sheep. So i tried it, By pure chance, I happen to have a female one in the back garden..
He said i should wait till it pops its head in the ground. Creep up and mount it.. I followed his details exactly.. Heres where it got tricky.

As soon as i mounted it, it pulled its head out of the ground, looked at me and decided to run off, well i held on for dear life as you can imagine.. We completed about 45 laps of the garden, and ive got a big, big garden and then i got out of step with the F**cking thing...Now my suits ripped to pieces and my legs are cut and bruised. Can anyone tell me where im going wrong here.. I dont want it to happen again

Answer 1

wow arent you just a special little fellow...............

maybe you should go call your mommy and she can tuck you into bed, you must be tired

Answer 2

AHA.. I see you have made some serious mistakes, my friend, but I can help you out. Luckily, I am a MALE ostrich.. Here is what you do.......

First, offer her a lovely dinner of plants, grasses, seeds, and maybe some locusts. Make sure all are fresh!!

Ask if she would like to bathe, as we ostriches LOVE to take to shallow water and bathe when we can. In all things, be gentle and careful.. your lady love can eviscerate you (or a lion) with those long, lovely legs.

By the way, do tell her how you are enamoured of her legs... flattery will definitely get you the booty.

Also, be careful not to move too awfully quickly, as you have found out. La femme ostrich can run at some 50 miles per hour, and that, my little gigalo, is a heap of running for you to keep up with.

Another tip..... wear something brown and feathery, as she will be inclined to believe you to be a male ostrich. Whatever you do, DON'T slap her on the ***... Ostriches are quite liberated and HATE to be condescended to.

Finally, as you prepare to begin "the dirty deed", whisper in her ear " Meka Leka high, Meka hinny hinny ho". That's MBunto for I have a little schmekala and I really won't hurt you... I just want your hot Ostrich love"

l'amour est merveilleux, amour est doux!!!

Answer 3

Ostriches don't stick their heads into the ground like they do on old Loony Toon cartoons. So you went wrong by making up a lame story without checking out your facts first.

Answer 4

Wearing a suit when you seduce an ostrich? That's an absolute disgrace. You should be ashamed of yourself.

A gentleman would know that smart casual is the appropriate attire for ostrich molesting.

Answer 5

Ha, that's yet yet another one: Piece of string walks precise right into a bar, 'pint of bitter and a packet of crisp please' Barman 'get out, we don't serve string here' String is going out and unravels one convey approximately the previous going back in String 'pint of bitter and a packet of crisp please' Barman ' are you a length of string' String ' i'm afraid not ' fraid knot....

Answer 6

I think your first mistake was listening to your friend :p
Secondly, don't try to rape birds that run faster than you can. If it felt that it could trust you, and actually wanted sex, you'd probably still have a wearable suit.

Thanks for a great post though, brightened up my day :)

Answer 7

where are you going wrong? where do i start!?

you didn't take her to dinner or even buy her flowers?!

no wonder she ran around like a headless chicken(!!??)

you should have at least given her a bit of foreplay, not sure what ostriches are into but stroking her feathers wouldn't go amiss.

lol

xxxxxx

Answer 8

stick to women if you can find one who can take on board the fact that you sleep with animals

Answer 9

Whoever sold you the ostrich lied about its sex.....its a BOY!!!!

Answer 10

Forget the ostrich.
Try this with a mammal.
A lion or perhaps a rhino.
Good luck.......