calling all married folks please help with our money question?

Question

i'm recently engaged to a wonderful man.I have never been married he is divorced with one child.right now we have bank accounts set up as his,mine,and ours(for household bills only)i really want to keep it this way for at least awhile but he does not.he wants us to pool all our money together with no seperate accounts.the problem with this is his spending.his exwife uses their son like bait to get what she wants mostly money and i don't mean child support she already gets that but she always wants more.because of my bf's inability to say no to her or his son he is now 26k in debt.i feel and know if we "pool" our money he will see all the extra money as free money to pay of his debt.talking to him about his over spending on his child will not work,i have tryed and it falls on deaf ears.so i feel if we pool all our money it will cause alot of tension in our marrage about where "our" money is going.am i wrong to feel this way?would u pool all your money and just hope he did not blow it?

Answer 1

Get yourself a seperate account with or without his knowledge. You have to protect your own interests as well. Do you want your money going to his ex and or son?? For your own security I say keep some money aside for yourself always.

Answer 2

Getting married when one of you are deep in debt is an almost guarantee that you will have problems over money. I recommend that you keep your money separate and not get married until the both of you can come up with a solution to the dept and his inability to say no to his Ex wife. Once you get married, you should pool your resources, but if he can not pay only what he needs to pay and maybe a little here and there for the child, then you will only see your money fly out the door and problems will soon follow... It is hard now to say no, we are not getting married until the debt and ex wife issue is taken care of, not to mention combining the money, but it will be far harder once you are married if you do not take care of it now.

Answer 3

The good thing is that you're only engaged. You seem bright enough to know that this is headed on a long trip down a short pier. If it falls on, " deaf ears ", as you say, then it is easy to assume that he cares more for his son, than your relationship. I am not saying he shouldn't care for his son, he should realize that the child support that he does pay is sufficient and he should start trying to build a life with you. If not, run, don"t walk away because he is only with you for your money.

Answer 4

Exactly how wonderful is this man? He has no self-control? He allows his ex-wife to walk all over him? Sweetheart, he can't force you to pool money. Although, you should know that the moment you're married, separate accounts or not, all money becomes the property of the marriage. You need to work this issue out, to resolution, before you marry this dude. Seeking pre-marital counseling. This issue could be a marriage killer.

Answer 5

i usually say that married couples should have the same account or else they are hiding something but in your situation i can definately see why you want that and i think your right..she's his ex not yours you shouldnt have to be paying for her demands....someone needs to speak with her about using that poor child for money and items. YOu do need some kind of joint account to make it easier to pya bills and things but my advice to you would be to onlly put enough in it for the montly expenses and keep the rest seperated. If you take control now your financial future could be bright, if u go his way you might end up in further debt.

Answer 6

Explain to him that you want to keep your own account. Having an account together is good for the bills, but if you feel that he is going to spend this money on his ex, theres a problem. I know some banks that have joint accounts, will make it so that both of y'all have to go into the bank to withdrawl money. Not just one can do it. So thats an option there. Also explain to him that he needs to stop giving his ex all this money. She gets her child support from him and thats enough. Tell him if he wants to have a life with you, he needs to stop with his ex. How far can y'all go in life when none of y'all have money because of his spending habits? I wouldnt put all my money into one account. Just for the fact that you feel he'll spend it on her.

Answer 7

You're planning to be married - you're not married to him yet for that huge obligation. Especially if he's not listening to your opinion about the spending situation when it comes to his son and xwife. You will only regret "pooling" your funds because you will end up paying for his son's wants and his xwife's every whim. He may be into some obligation with them, like he told them he would always take care of her - still, thats not your duty as a girlfriend to take care of his family. If he keeps on insisting that you pool ur money to get HIM out of debt because of his problems, simply tell him NOOOO!

Answer 8

I think you are right to be concerned.While my husband and I have only joint accounts, I can see how you would want to keep one separate. Maybe if you explained it as a kind of savings type account, for emergencies ( but keep just your name on it )If you are really truly worried, set up some sort of prenuptial agreement. I know prenup's get tossed around all over, but you need to protect things, because you can guarantee that his ex knows that extra monies will be coming in too if you go with just joint accounts.

Answer 9

Im not married but I live with my BF and we are in a similar situation. He just pays and pays and pays money to his ex for his kid, and then he cannot pay his share of the bills here.SHe says she needs money for clothes for the boy, he gives it to her, but the boy is still wearing old, ripped, too small clothes.We do NOT pool our money . I am in a better postion than he is financially and plan to keep it that way.I do not feel obligated to provide for his son, especially because the kid is not too nice to me most of the time. If you pool your money you will in debt along with him. If you do not pool your money, you will end up paying all the bills because he dosent have any money.

Answer 10

I am engaged as well, and sorting out the money thing.

Please, please, please do not combine all of your money.

It sounds as though your fiance is not good at managing his income. I agree that your money will become his "extra" money. Don't pool it, because he will blow it. He needs to prove he can manage it first.

When you marry him, his debt is legally your debt. (!)

First, you need to make it clear that all decisions, money and otherwise, must be made by the two of you. If you are spending your lives together, he needs to make your relationship's health a priority over his ex-wife's whims.

You also need to make sure he listens to you and respects your opinions.
No more deaf ears.

Before you marry or combine any money, you need to sit down and make a financial plan. x amount to bills, x amount to savings, x amount to living expenses, x amount to fun money. That money should be the money in the joint account, and you both most agree to follow the guidelines.

He needs to figure out how to pay down some of his debt before you marry. Out of his own money, please. He also needs to show you how he will manage his money from now on to avoid creating more debt.

He also needs to tell his ex the child support is it. If she really needs more, go back to court and have it decided what amount is fair for him to pay in support, and designate expenses he needs to cover. (medical? clothes?) That way it's in writing and she can't manipulate more out of him.

I still suggest you maintaining your own account for your personal use. Don't use it as a cushion to bail him out.

Please give yourself time before you marry to make sure that your fiance shows that he is able and willing to turn his finances around and manage his money better. Married couples statistically fight more over money than anything-- this situation is bad enough. Please make him turn it around.

Please don't think you're being a witch to confront him with this. We are talking about your future and financial health. You are not the problem, his money management is. His ex is not the problem, his handling of her is.

Best of luck to you. I hope this helps.