My husband says we don't have enough sex. Is he right?

Question

My husband says that now he knows why men cheat: because they don't get enough sex. I'm rather upset that he told me that - is he suggesting he will?

He wants sex 2x a week. We have no kids at home, but he works at least 4 nights a week and is very stressed out. I have my own business and work constantly and am also very stressed. We rarely have a relaxing evening together. He wants to fit sex in during the days, but I work during the day. He won't admit it, but wants me to make more money, so that adds to my stress and resentment (he makes a LOT!) I don't feel intimacy with him because I don't feel that he really cares deeply about me. In fact, after a fight he wrote me a card where he purported to express his love, but all he could say was how good I am at running a business we have. Obviously we need to go to counseling - but do you have any other suggestions?

On the money issue, it's real important to him that I make money because he has to pay alimony to hir first wife who has never worked a day in her life and never will. This KILLS him.

Answer 1

sex is very important in a relationship...2 times a week is not too much. Try to and see how it goes from there

Answer 2

Your lack of sex is simply a symptom of a struggling relationship. Fix the relationship and the sex part will probably take care of itself. However, to answer the question directly...I don't think that having sex 2x a week is at all an unreasonable expectation for a couple. If he doesn't get it from you, he may find it elsewhere. I'd take a hard look at what is really important in life and what is going to bring you true happiness. Giving him a quickie during the day...a lot of people would love it. Would it kill you to bend over for a nooner, if it bides some time while you work through your issues? In the end, money and work won't solve your problems. Sounds like counseling is a good idea.

Answer 3

He's asking for maybe 1 hour a week for something that's important to him. If you're saying no to that kind of commitment, there are obviously some issues.

Are you sure he wants you to make more money? Why do you believe that? I can't help but notice that he's very upfront about wanting more sex, so why do you think he's hiding how he feels about the money?

Counseling might be a good idea. Alternatively, you could both be more clear about what you need, and make it happen. Maybe he needs to have sex a couple times a week. Maybe you need an evening together every week where you just enjoy each other's company, have a relaxing dinner and don't talk about work.

Something that just occurred to me, I'm wondering about the 'money' comment. What does he say? Does he make comments about your business not earning much? If that's the case, I wonder if he wants you to earn more, or if in fact, he wants you to spend less time on the business and more on him. What about you? What do you want?

I know I'm repeating myself, but it seems like your husband is telling you what he wants, and lets face it, its NOT a big commitment. But you don't _want_ to have sex with him because you don't feel intimate because you're not getting what you want. Do you know what you want? Have you told him?

Answer 4

I don't think it was right of him to tell you that he understands why men cheat. There is NEVER a good reason to be unfaithful. You and your husband sound to have very stressful lives. What you may need, is a relaxing get away with him. Agree not to mention anything about work and just concentrate on the two of you. You can't have sex with someone when you feel no intimacy with him. Men can sometimes do that but women can't. Councelling would be a good idea as it is sometimes easier to express ourselves with someone else there. I have been in the same situation as you and understand. What we did was planned a weekend away and got to know each other all over again. We were as romantic as we were in the beginning and then the sex just happened.

I would tell him that the comment he said about cheating was out of line. I don't know if he was suggesting he will cheat as I don't know him but he may have been just stating his frustrations. Talk to him and see what happens. Good luck!!!!!!

Answer 5

This man is your husband. Why are you willing to go to couple's counceling, but not the bedroom? I am not suggesting that you MUST give him what he wants, but in reality, he is not asking for sex, he is asking to be a priority as well.

My wife and I for a while were on completely different schedules, and we had a 2-yr-old. She got up at 4 a.m. for time with herself and bible study, then went to work early, came home in the evening, and early to bed. I would get up as she was leaving the house, and come home when she was asleep. So I would be playing XBOX until midnight, bored out of my skin and never seeing my wife because she was always so tired.

We talked about it and reworked the schedules -- I spent less time with the XBOX, she moved her morning time to evening time. That cured the trouble -- mixed priorities. If you really love your husband, you two should work to find time together, each giving something up so that you can find time for each other.

And, of course, the obvious: Men and Women often see things differently. My wife will have sex if she feels intimate : I will feel intimate if we have sex. It is all a question of perspective.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Sex twice a week is not asking much. This is clearly a relationship, though, where you are behaving in a way that is not congruent with your true nature. You work "constantly" and you're both "stressed" even though you make a lot of money. Why? The way you state your question, having even more money is not a high priority of yours. Scale back, even if your husband does want you to make more money, because that's not what YOU want. Once you reduce your stress, you'll have more time for him, and you'll feel more like having sex. One more thing: ask youself, "How could he prove to me that he cares deeply for me?" When you figure it out, tell him, in no uncertain terms.

Answer 7

You both sound very stressed. In my opinion as long as you have enough money to pay the bills and get buy (reasonably) then that is enough. Sex helps to relieve stress and may help you both feel a little better. Possibly set aside a time when you can both be together and relax together. Remember money isn't everything if you're not spending time with the one you love.

Answer 8

Make a sex dates. Decide what would make it good for you and then approach him with the intent to initiate sex. Come up behind him and while rubbing his shoulders, whisper in his ear the things you'd like him to do to you and what you might reciprocate. As you are aware, there is more going on-but sex to him might just be an extension of love. Also, he might be less stressed and a couple of orgasms a week can be bab for YOU! If that doesn't help, take a very honest look at your relationship and do what needs to be done! Best of luck Sister!

Answer 9

Two times a week is too much to ask? I'm sorry but we do have weeks where it's only 1-2 times but it is not the norm. Is it really such a big deal to have sex with him? I know I wouldn't be happy with a wife who considered sex a chore like laundry.
Sounds like you guys both work too much too. Can't you run it so you are at work at nearly the same time? Hire someone to run it at night? Isn't it worth it if you get to spend time together?
Sometimes people need to take a hit on their lifestyle so they can take the time to appreciate it.

Answer 10

There is NO excuse for cheating in a relationship. Don't buy his bull-s***. I'm sorry to say, but he needs to grow up if he thinks he can demand that you give him a certain amount of sex or else. It is plain and simply immature bull-s***.

Go to a counselor if you think there is a chance thing may improve and he can learn how to actually express his love in ways other than sex. I personally think that you can do better though.