A Poem I wrote, Opinions appreciated?

Question

Terror, terror,
Sweaty palms,
Waiting, waiting,
Exited calm,

Run, hide,
Hurry, flee!
The Dark is coming,
It’s plain to see,

Haunted dreams,
Sleepless nights,
Better this
Than fear and fright

It’s coming, coming,
It hunts me down,
The Dark is water,
And I shall drown

It’s coming, hunting,
Turn by turn,
The Dark is fire,
And I shall burn,

It’s following, following,
Shadows and smoke,
The Dark is air,
And I shall choke,

It’s following, coming,
I shant survive,
The Dark is earth
And I shall be buried, alive,





It’s following, coming,
It’ll find me any day,
The Dark is hunter,
And I am its prey,

It’s coming, coming,
Run or row,
It’s lurking, lurking,
In every shadow,

It’s so close I can smell it,
Terrifying musk,
I shall escape with my life,
But be an empty husk,

The shame, the shame,
Of running in fright,
Silently fleeing,
With the coming night,

Better this,
To run with youth,
Than stay and face,
The awful truth,

I shall, I shall,
Go insane,
Forever running,
Running from pain,

Running, running,
Let Lady Luck sing,
Let me travel to safety
By angel’s wing,

I don’t even want that,
Not even to rest, and sit,
All I want,
Is to travel faster than, it.

The Title is 'The Dark'

It's about my back problem and my up coming operation. I'm needle phobic and it's major spinal surgery. Not judgement day, I'm afraid.

Answer 1

First of all - I like it and that's in spite of the unfortunate structure you chose. I'd suggest you take your original inspiration and go back and try something without worrying about the rhyme. The incessant repetition of the rhyme adds to the sense of growing fear but I find it more distracting than helpful.

Edit. You have some powerful stanzas and some weak ones, where you picked words more for their rhyme than their meaning - don't be afraid to throw out the weak, or work on rewriting some bits.

It needs a title - not to tell us what "It" is - that you never say adds to the impact of the piece - but the title needs to set it in some perspective.

I'd say Bravo (or Brava) and keep working on it.

Answer 2

Sorry. Doesn't do it for me. Although there IS a sense of doom and a pace suggesting an approaching terror, I find it overlong. The four line structure is, I think, difficult to work with.

Here's an edited version. But what do I know?! Lots of people like your poem as it is and the most important thing is that it is yours!

Terror, waiting,
Dark is coming
Haunted dreams,
hunt me down.

The Dark is water,
And I shall drown

It is fire,
And I shall burn,

It is air,
And I shall choke,

It is earth
And I shall be buried,
alive in shadow,
With the coming night.


I'm sure everyone here wishes you the very best for the surgery. And don't give up on the poetry!

Answer 3

Opinion or critique?
Well...

I hate when people use rhymes JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO RHYME.
i.e. NOT BECAUSE IT SOUNDS GOOD.
For example, why do you have calm in your first verse? because from ALL the other words it seems that you are the exact OPPOSITE of calm!
Rhyming limits you to cliches.

I do like this verse though. I suppose it is the way you worded it. It sounds less common and unoriginal and amateur. Nice metaphor I guess.
"It hunts me down,
The Dark is water,
And I shall drown"

and this:
"turn,
The Dark is fire,
And I shall burn"
though I believe if you changed around its first one/two lines it would be better.

"Shadows and smoke,
The Dark is air,
And I shall choke,"

"I shant survive,
The Dark is earth
And I shall be buried, alive"
take out the comma between buried and alive-there is no need for one grammatically speaking, and it ruins the flow because a comma denotes a pause. and "shant" is not the style you are writing in. It sounds older. just use a plain old "won't".

"The Dark is" THE "hunter,
And I am its prey"

I don't like the "run or row" Also, the repetition of the same words immediately twice in a row annoys me. "I shall, I shall" or "it's coming it's coming!" also, not very creative words-coming or following.

"But be an empty husk," wtf?

Um. the poem has not affected my life in any way. I have not learned a lesson. I have not been inspired. I have not been affected emotionally (which is what a poem should do!) unless you count how i feel annoyed--the poem has such potential! if only you could change it around and make it betterrrr!

Answer 4

I can only presume that you did not attend the Linda J Cirillo school of visual poetry, where you would have received donuts for that wonderful rendition.

If you were offered slender Virginia Slims, you were on the way to a higher stratosphere.

The clown-head award, would certainly have meant you falling to the ground without parachute.

Become more reclusive with your ideas.

Answer 5

Let me light a candle, to bring you the light. Take away your darkness, so that you'll not fright.
Let me face your demons, your ghosts and ghouls. I'll raise the banner, fight the fight.
No need to run no need to hide, in me you can confide, have faith to victory with all our might.
I'll yield the sword of spirit , the word of God in it. No more darkness only light, when we raise the sword and fight.

Answer 6

Well done! Enter it on an internet poetry competition and hopefully win some cash!

Answer 7

Wow, something way terrible must have made you feel that way. Like the poem though, very deep

Answer 8

pretty good. i like the repetition at the beginning of each verse, makes it seem urgent and panicked, but some of the lines don't scan.

good though

Answer 9

ah ya it was good at the start then i was like when will it end!!!! a lil too long for me but well done on ryming everything

Answer 10

Very deep and dark, but a little long