My husband would rather play computer games then spend time with his family. What can I do to get him to stop?

Question

My husband has a serious computer gaming problem. I'm not one of those wives who thinks he should never play video games. I just ask it be done in moderation. It is not like he goes on for an hour or two, he stays on for hours on end. I haved tried explaining to him it bothers me and he still does it. It is like an obsession to the point that he neglects keeping up with chores. The bigger problem is that we just had our first baby a month ago and he even ignores her to play games. It hurts me that he doesn't take an intrest in spending QUAILITY time with her. I have asked him to feed her and he will hold her like a sack of potatoes in one arm and play with the other while barely holding the bottle. If she crys he won't walk with her he will plop her on his lap and let her scream so he can play. He works 4 nights a week so he sleeps all day on those days. The days he is off I want him to spend time with us. He doesn't understand that. What can I do to get him to stop this?

Answer 1

Hello there. Here's the POV of a husband who is similar (though not nearly to that extreme) to your husband. I enjoy playing online games (yep, World of Warcraft). My wife and I just had twins two months ago. I had cancelled my account and spent all my time helping her during the pregnancy and once the kids were born. At her insistence, I reactivated my account and had the chance to play again. She knew it was a hobby that I enjoyed doing and since she saw all that I had been doing for her and the boys, she suggested I get a chance to play some, but in moderation (as many posters said). Funny thing is, once I did get online after she had insisted, she was on my case about it, so I stopped playing for a while again. Eventually we got it worked out that it isn't fair for me to not get to play at all, and it is not fair that when I do play I focus on that and tune everything out (that from her perspective...although from my perspective I may have tuned some out...not on purpose...but I also paid attention, answered, and helped out even while playing - admittedly though, not enough). Once I started paying more attention to the boys and to her, her grip on the game loosened to give me more freedom.

I have several suggestions. Use what you'd like...and let the rest pass.

One thing you could do, if you have a second computer, is join him in playing. Buy a second copy of the game (depending on if that is required, like WOW). My wife and I often play World of Warcraft together, as we both have accounts, and it is a great time we spend together. If you take an interest and share in this hobby that means so much to him, maybe it will be easier to get him to spend time with you in what you'd like to do (especially with the family). But make sure your interest is genuine and not that you're just making a huge sacrifice in pretending it is important to you. Another idea is to see if you and he can talk and come to a compromise. Maybe either about 2 hours per day or maybe 3 nights a week he can play, and the rest is spent as a family. Third, DO NOT take a hard stance against his playing. Do not get rid of the computer...generally that will just make the problem worse. It's all you need for him to go over to a buddy's house to get his playtime in, and to never be around. And do not give him the cold shoulder and tell him no food/sex/affection/etc. If he is so into the games, he'll just say "oh well" and it will give him all the more reason to play all the time.

I understand what you are going through and I do feel for you. This is definately a problem, but it can be worked through. You just need to be understanding toward him, even as he is doing wrong, and work on coming to some kind of compromise. And tell him that a fellow gamer/father says to get off the dang computer and spend some time with his family!! (Make sure you include 2 !! for emphasis)

Answer 2

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Answer 3

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Answer 4

You need to somehow let him know that it is OK with you if he plays games but there are children that he needs to continue to bond with. See if you can agree that he has to play (not on the computer, console, PC, etc.) each child 20 minutes a day and help out with x items before he should feel comfortable playing a video game. What kind of message is he sending his kids? Kids watch and learn. Basically he needs to grow up and realize that a marriage takes work too. He needs to give you some attention as well. Invite him somewhere and then go and have fun without him. Talk about it often and then do it again. And again until he starts to get the picture.

Answer 5

It use to be wine, women and song that ruined a good marriage...today it's the computer that is ruining marriages. From the on line chat rooms to the games. My daughter's husband is just like yours, not only does he spend all his free time gaming, any extra money is spent on the newest game. He eats and sleeps for the computer. All his friends are computer gaming addicts. It's a no win situation for her. I have tried telling her to cut him off, don't pay the Internet bill, don't tell him there is extra money this pay, demand he do something around the house, leave the kids there with him and more or less force him to watch them (bad idea). She has tried it all, she has even separated from him for 3 months over this addiction, and yes it is an addiction, and because she loves him and the kids wanted him home they talked about his gaming and what to do about it. They decided his time would be limited to certain hours and days. He would do his share of the housework before he logged on and they picked a family night where he spent time with the kids and her. That lasted until the newest game came out and since he started out with the agreement between them she relented on the newest game and 8 months later she was back to the way it was before the separation. They don't necessarily argue for that takes up his concentration on his game, he ignores her, she in turn takes her frustration out on the kids by trying to keep them out of his gaming room and keeping quiet or just out of the house period while he is gaming and she spends far to much money on them. The only solution I see for them is to divorce or get rid of the computer (& Xbox) all together, for in her situation she will never be able to have both in the same household and have a family life.

Answer 6

I do agree with you that he does need to spend time with his daughter and you as well. Do you work? How many hours does he work a week? That also comes into play. My husband works 50+ hours a week, and I stay home, so I let him play for hours. I know that without him, I wouldn't be able to stay home with my children or do many of the things I enjoy. Just as long as he spends some quality time with the rest of the family each day, I could care less, I'm too busy doing my own thing to grip!

Answer 7

It sounds as if your husband is addicted to computer games. If so, this isn't something he can necessarily stop on his own. Call your local AA group and ask if they have a support group for other addictions or what they might recommend. Also contact a therapist (if you don't have a lot of money, try contacting Lutheran or Catholic Social Services) and see if your husband will go to counseling with you.

Addictions are serious issues. Until he is better, don't leave your daughter alone with him . . . ever!

Answer 8

some of your answers say talk to him but i guess they really didn't read closlely. you have talked to him and he still plays this game, and to add insult to it all you just had a baby and he dosn't pay her any mine either. if you wasn't married and didn't jsut have a baby i would say walk away but marriage and a baby doesn't make it eazy. let him see how it feels to be ignored, sorry to say but some people just don't get it until it's done to them. so i say you and the baby go visit yur mom for a few days or if that's a no can do then act as if he's not around at all just as if he does not exist but as much as it may hurt you have to stay with it. do that for about 2-3 days bythat time he'll be sure to realize that something is not right and then when he does and he comes to you wanting to talk tell yu would but the baby needs all you undivided attention and walk away. he's sure to say something later when the baby is asleep and when he does then sit him down "and he's going to because he's not sure of what's going on" then talk to him "this time he will listen" just make sure you let him know how you really feel and don't hold anything back, your family should be the ost important thing to you. make sure that he knows that when the talk is over. i really hope this goes well for you. good luck

Answer 9

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said the word moderation. Everything should be done in moderation. Possibly set up a schedule of things to be done, not just chores but spending time with family and then each of you can have time to yourself to do what you want (which for him is video games) If all else fails unplug the video game and hide it when he's asleep.

Answer 10

stop trying to make him do things, like feed the baby. Go and live your day the way you would if he wasn't there. He will eventually get bored with the games. Not only that but he might start missing his family if you didn't try to include him. My husband gets on his playstation sometimes and doesn't have a clue what else is going on around him. Its frustrating, I know. But I get tired of nagging about the fact that the baby needs a new diaper. I just do it all myself, then when I go to bed without him, he gets the hint.