If you told your spouse the way you need to feel loved, but...?

Question

they won't do it, how would it make you feel?

For example: the way you need to feel loved is by kind words and by having someone do things for you like help you with dishes, help fold laundry, etc... and you aren't into flower and crap like that... your significant other knows this, you've talked about it, they still won't comply, and YOU do all that you can to make sure they feel loved.

This is basically me. My spouse knows what I need to feel loved and happy and does not do it. Does he just hate me or is he trying to push me away or is he really THAT lazy?

I HAVE been tending to him, making him feel loved... and I have told him with words what I need. I have praised him when he does help out, as rare as that is.

note to flagger (or whatever your name is): he doesn't do anything else around the house at all. I do it all. I do give him BJS, but he has to take a shower first before I will touch it.... he's lazy in that department as well.

i have read that 5 love languages book, by the way

Answer 1

He's probably that lazy. You can ask, but when he doesn't comply what do you do? Probably go about your business. He knows your 'rants' will come to an end and can continue to be lazy.

Answer 2

Do you want his love or do you want his service?

Be very careful trying to put limits on the kind of love you want.
Requiring " service love" demeans the affectionate kind love that he's willing to give. Guys just do not put the same emphasis on service love as women do.
When you start gaging your happiness on the amount of housework he does, you should hire a maid and get rid of the husband because that is all he sees that you want.
Pushing you away? More likely he has decided that all you want is a maid and is fed up with your attitude that he is lazy. Very possibly he thinks that he works, takes out the garbage keeps up the cars mows the lawn and does any one of a number of things
which keeps him from being regarded as LAZY. Nothing causes him to throw out the anchor quicker than being called lazy. "You don't like what I did before you won't like what you get now."
Keep tying this to love and it is not him pushing you away it is you driving him to find a place of his own without anyone telling him that your happiness is based on him doing the dishes.
It is also very possible that he considers the service you give him as a measure of your love to him. When was the last time you gave him a BJ for no special reason? Maybe you are just a prude who only wants a maid.
You see how this can spiral downhill. Whoever came up with that book on the different kinds of love did mankind a real disservice. To put someone's positive feelings of love toward you on a check off list of accomplishments kind of turns you into a prostitute which accepts chores instead of money.
Your problem is defining your roles in marriage and dividing the labor equitably. Sit down and make out a labor budget of all the tasks which make the household operate. Put some estimate of time on each. Include work, cleaning, bill paying, everything which takes time and contribute to the household. THEN split up the tasks. BUT and here is the but, DO NOT tie this to your love for each other.
Marriage requires partners to accept their roles. Roles are defined by your contribution to the household. Your love for each other needs to be seperate from that conversation because with out that love, the one which does not have limits or requirements the other negotiation is not worth the effort. The house cleaning and all the other stuff has to be done with or without him. Its often easier without the other being around. What makes it worth it? LOVE. The stuff you cannot buy.

Answer 3

Im not sure that if someone is doing the dishes or laundry would make someone feel loved. I think its more along the lines of just wanting basic respect. Just because he doesnt do those things doesnt mean he doesnt love you and if thats the only problem your having with him well your doing ok. Try to think of the other things he does do Im sure with out those things would be much harder. If he doesnt want to help with cleaning duties suggest to him that you want to hire someone to come in once a week to clean and help with laundry.

Answer 4

Maybe your hubby just feels comfy that you guys are in love and married. He feels like you don't need that reassurance, which is wrong, becuase you don't need it 100% of the time, but every now and then, flowers are nice, kisses are nice, dinner is nice, etc. He has to keep giving like you are. It sounds like he's taking advantage of you and your attention that he gives you. Tell him a hug and kiss when he gets home is reassurance to you.

Answer 5

well did you out right tell him this is how u can make me feel that you love me list some things or did u do hints? OR if he does try and it may not be what you want you should appreciated anyway bc at least he is trying he has to express his love in his own way and you have to accept that. IF you tell him how to express then he really is not bc you told him how and what to do so its really not him doing it its you telling yourself. SO maybe you should allow him to do it in his own way. Because you do not like how he does it maybe that is why he feels like what is the point she wont like it anyway. So have to let him be HIM. I mean you can tell him if you do dishes once in while that is really helpfull and kind so if you could just do that once in awile for me that would be great. BUT IF HE DOES TRY TO SHOW IS LOVE IN HIS OWN WAY YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT AND LIKE IT.
well good luck.
married for 5 years and dated him for six
yes i was not into the romatic stuff either but i am now
that is how he expressed hisself so i thought it was a nice jester him trying so hard to let me see how much he loved me.

Answer 6

People are stupid and we assume its something else.

If person A feels loved with flowers, cards, weekend trips then person B needs to do those things to express their love for person A that way.

If person B feels loved with sex then person A needs to express their love for person B that way.

If person A gets sex and not flowers they will not feel loved.

If person B gets flowers and not sex they will not feel loved.

Just because they are our spouses does not mean they feel loved the same way as us.

Convenience is doing it the way we want it. Love is doing it the way they want it.

This applies to you just change the things that make you feel loved.

Answer 7

he's just your typical guy who doesn't comprehend or doesn't care to comprehend your emotions and hates dealing with all that emotional crap.... I've been there.

it seems like the more you bring up the topic they seem to make more of an effort to NOT do the things you'd wish they do.

he's being plain selfish! As your spouse he should be willing to make an effort to feed your soul by showing you love and affection.

But most importantly.. you need to love yourself...no one needs to be begging for affection!

Answer 8

Can I recommend a book called "the fice love languages". It really helped my understand not only the women in my life, but also how to relate to other people in general. Its really helpful!

Answer 9

he needs to read this book: "5 love languages" by dr. chapman. it talks specifically about how a person should be loved and the differences in these ways.

kudos for realizing this on ur own. it took me readin the book to learn about how other ppl need to be loved and shown this. it also helped me figure out my own love language (i thought i had just been clingy in the past - but really needed quality time)

Answer 10

One method is to really praise him and tell him how wonderful it makes you feel WHEN HE DOES WHAT YOU WANT>> Obviously, focusing on whay he does not do is not working....

I would change tactics and instead when he does do what you like.. encourage, and become soft and tell him how it makes you feel good.