Unplanned pregnancy advice....?

Question

My friend is pregnant and doesn't know what to do. She always used protection and is quite old fashioned in some of her beliefs. Unfortunately Her boyfriend finished with her (before he knew) and now she has told him he has said he will support whatever decision she makes. She’s been to the doctor, but still can’t make a decision. She doesn’t want to be a single mum but she’s not sure she could cope with the fact she killed a life either…Financially neither of them are stable and she knows the “logical” thing to do right now is have an abortion….

I guess my question is how do you make such a life changing decision when you just don’t know?

(Please be understanding here. I know lots of people disagree with abortion and I’m not trying to upset or anger anyone, she just needs help…)

She's 23, her ex is 30.
She has a good job and is being promoted in the new year. She couldn't do this job with a baby really.

Answer 1

How do you make such a decision? You just have to make it. No one knows the exact situation. But you go with your gut and your conscience. I know that at 17 it's easier than making the same decision at 27 or 37 for that matter. Would it be easier to give a child up for adoption after 9 months or aborting after 9 weeks? Both of those options will haunt you for the rest of your life. But you have to make a decision. Is it better for you or the child? It stinks to have to learn about life this way, but things happen for a reason. I'd love to know what she decides to do. She's lucky to have a friend like you. Has she spoken to her parents? Has she spoken to her clergy? There is nothing wrong with being 'logical' as long as you have all the facts when making your decision. Good luck!

Answer 2

Only your friend knows what is right for her. If she isn't ready for the responsibility of having a child, then definately abortion is high rating. Other than that, there's the possibility of carrying to term and adopting the baby. It's a huge decision that will impact the rest of her life. She needs to sit down and work out her own personal priorities and not take on board what everybody else expects of her. She will be strong enough, provided she has the love and support of those around her. I am a single mother of a 4 and 5 yr and am seeing a fantastic guy who's a single dad to a 5 yr old. We are very cautious about birth control, but have agreed that if I did fall pregnant, i would be straight to the clinic to have a termination. Why? Because we both know what we want out of life and that isn't to bring another child into this crazy world. They are alot of hard work, but also very rewarding. How does she make a life changing decision when she doesn't know? She will know - it will happen. Let her decide with her head and heart and be supportive. That's about all you can do.

Answer 3

I think she should seriously consider adoption. If you're not able to care for your baby, emotionally, financally, or otherwise, I think adoption is almost always the answer. You're not "killing a life." In fact you're giving the baby a home and a family that WANTS it so bad! I would advise her to keep her options open while she considers it though. My little sister was date-raped when she was 18, and she got pregnant. She didn't want her baby, she didn't ask it to happen to her. She considered ALL her options and had decided to give the baby up for adoption, but the last month or two she was pregnant she ended up falling in love with her little girl and I now have a niece that will be a year old in Feburary. Kids are awesome, and you're right, I don't believe they're something that should be disposed of, because they're thought to be inconvient. She might not want the baby, but somebody does.

I had my first child just before I turned 17. He's 7 years old now, and he's completely wonderful. Granted there are times when he's a handful, but he's worth every second. There's nothing more precious that a baby, except maybe a laughing baby.

Hope this helps!

Answer 4

I had an unplanned pregnancy and there was no way I could give her up or have an abortion, if she already feels torn about having an abortion, the best thing would be for her to keep the baby. Having a child is wonderful, it's hard work but worth every second. Having children when you are young means that you will still be young enough when they have grown up to do everything you wanted. It looks as though she has an ex boyfriend who will be supportive so she wouldn't really be a single parent. I wasn't very financially stable but now I have a part time job, my bf has a full time job and we now own our own home. She could have tax credits and 70% of a childminders cost is paid for if you have tax credits. There are alot of benefits out there for working parents. There are also alot of men who would date someone with children if she feals like she will never have another boyfriend. At the end of the day it would be her decision but trust me it's not the end of the world. She obviously has supportive ex boyfriend and friends so she would never be on her own.

Answer 5

Don't worry about anyone else's opinions when you are asking for help.Alot of people who are pro this and anti that or whatever, have never had to make the choice so until anyone is in whichever circumstance, they shouldn't tell anyone what to do or what not to do.I have my beliefs, but I wouldn't put them on here as voicing my opinion is not what you are asking for.Phone the samaritans and they will either help your friend, or will give you other organisations where she can go and talk to a counsellor which in turn will aid her in making a decision.Living with a decision that was maybe a wrong one affects us all at some point of our lives, and I'm not just talking babies there, could be anything.I would rather talk through IM to someone rather than say more on here as then you get everyone putting in their views and not answering the question.My best wishes are with your friend and yourself right now, at least she has a caring frined to be by her side!

Answer 6

Your friend will need all the help and support she can get but ultimately it is she who has to make the decision. I'm sorry about this - I've had two unplanned pregnancies myself. Many people have already suggested adoption, but I know how hard it is to think about going through that prgnancy with everyone knowing you're pregnant and wondering, etc etc. Perhaps if she discussed this with an adoption agency they might reassure her. Babies need more than love, they need stability, financial and emotional. It is naive to suggest they don't. However the love you feel for your baby is overwhelming and that must be the bravest thing anyone could ever do - to give it to someone else. Abortion is the easiest answer, but the hardest to live with if you're anti. All the best - you'll be a great aunty if she keeps it!

Answer 7

Ya know what? Life is too short and I feel that things happen for a reason. I'm 30 y/o so I can understand what you mean. Really no one can tell you what to do about this. Listen to your heart. The baby didn't ask for this. You don't know when you will have another opportunity to have a baby. I'm not saying you won't meet anyone else! It's just that we are not getting any younger! Yes me included! You pretty much answered your own question- You are 34, financially secure, stable, etc. Unfortunately yeah this guy sounds like a jerk. Do what's best for you. Just remember, an abortion is permanent- you can't go back. You really sound like you want to keep this baby. I wouldn't list the father on the birth certificate. In due time when the child is of age you can let that child decide if he or she wants to meet the father. As long as you have family supporting you I say go for it. And lose the loser! Sounds like you are too good for him! GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 8

I have been in a very similar situation myself and it is a very hard place to be in. I was 21 when I fell pregnant in an excellent well paid job, still living with my parents and studying A Levels in the evenings. Your friend really needs to consider what is right for her, I personally went through all the abortion procedures and then changed my mind the day before it was due to go ahead. I just couldn't go through with it. I now have a 2 year old son - I will not lie it is hard work but now I have made the decision I couldn't imagine life without him. However I have had the support of my parents etc which makes a huge difference compared to doing it alone. Please tell your friend to think about herself and not let anyones elses prejudices about young mothers, abortions etc to influence her decision.

Answer 9

Even though the are not stable or together, they could still make good parents, and raise a great, well rounded adult. lots of people do it these days, and as long as they can be respectful and supportive of one another, it could be great. I do not disagree with abortion i think it is a choice that any woman has. sometimes it is for the best, but sometimes not. if your friend is going to have an abortion she needs to do a little research on exactly what is inside of her right now, it is an embryo, not a baby yet, it is just a mass of cells at this point, but she needs to make a decision soon.

Answer 10

She really just needs to sit down with the father and have a long, long discussion about what has happened, what's happening now, and what will happen. They need to decide together if continuing the pregnancy is the right option. Ultimately, it is her decision, but it sounds like getting outside advice would help her immensely in this situation.

As a friend to her, be a sounding board. Don't try to sway her in any direction. Just let her know you will be there for her no matter what, and support whatever choice she makes.

You still have to make choices even when you don't know. That's the hard part. You just have to have faith that it'll all work out like it's supposed to in the end.