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my wife refuses to counsel. we have 3 children and have been married for 16 years. we both are stubborn and hard headed. i am the one who wants to talk but gets "offensive" and she dwells on the past. i love my kids but am running out of options. if anyone has an idea, i would love to hear it.

2006-12-05 16:51:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

14 answers

Just curious? Why is your wife opposed to counsel? I know of a husband and wife who counsel together. They are very good. (If she's oppossed to a certain gender???)
Appeal to your wife by citing the children's needs. It is in their best interest to have a mother and a father who reside with them. I know it's not always practical but it is what's best.You both owe it to your children to try to create the best conditions for your kids.
The past should only be used as an example of what worked or didn't work-in other words to learn. Not to brow-beat the other person.
Being offensive will never accomplish anything unless you play football. In a relationship you must hear one another. Listening and hearing are key to a successful relationship. You cannot do either if you are always on the offensive:
Do what is called mirroring. Repeat what your spouse says when you are having a discussion to acknowledge you have heard and understand what she is saying. For instance:
If she says, "You don't understand I need time to myself sometimes." You would say, " So what you are saying is you need time to yourself sometimes? Let her acknowledge that you have heard her correctly.
A lot of issues are not truly heard because the other person is too busy trying to get their point across.
Also set boundaries. There is a reason she doesn't want to talk. It may be she wants to avoid an argument...assure her you just want to hear what she has to say and be heard as well. Then set a reasonable time to converse on a certain subject and then take a break and agree on when you will revist the issue if necessary. Be willing to meet each other half way on this. If she only wants to talk ten minutes and you a hour. Then you need to meet her some where that is in between.
Don't allow yourself to run out of options. This is your life and your kid's lives'. Be diligent and if she still won't talk perhaps you need to have some time away...that will either scare her and make her realize she loves you or it may be she realizes she doesn't want the marriage. Just be sure you are ready for either outcome. You deserve to have communication in your marriage it cannot survive without it. So don't put up with less than you and your kids deserve.

2006-12-05 17:34:26 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Well, for starters you say "I love my kids" like that is the only reason to stay married.

Do you love your wife? Do you want to feel like you used to feel? Do you cherish your marriage? Are YOU willing to change without expecting her to change?

If so, you might stand a chance.

If you both are hard-headed and stubborn, at least you are willing to admit it. But if she won't go to counseling then you need to try a bit more at home.

First, write down all the good things about her that you can think of. Write down good memories, good stories, fun times, funny times, births, deaths you've endured together, the life you wanted together.

Tell her (and mean it) that you will try very hard not to be offensive and that you will be more tender with her. Then BE more tender with her. Do not blame. Do not criticize. Do not accuse. Do no yell. Do not shout. Do not swear. Do not belittle.

Do hold her hand. Do repeat that you want the marriage to work and that she is the most important person in your life. Do tell her you love her. Do beg humbly for another chance to have a good marriage. Right now she appears unable to put forth her fair share of effort to save the marriage so you must put forth more than your share. You gotta fight to save it for the both of you because she's unable.

Tell her you won't press counseling but that you hope she'll talk to you. Learn to supress your offensive attitude. Perhaps seek counseling for yourself for a while. That can only help.

Give her some personal time...take the kids out, send her to a spa, give her a weekend alone while you take the kids away.

Clean the house for her, cook some meals for the family, etc.

It is very hard to be the more giving of the two but a family is worth is. Keep the smug feelings of "I am the only one trying" to yourself and if it works, if all you hard work pays off just feel thankful for having had the strength to pull it off. Never mention to her that you knew you were pulling more weight that she.

Help her get back some of the love she has lost. You ahve lost it too but you are a bit more stable than she.

Don't give up easily. Your kids will thank you for it, you will feel thankful and your wife will someday realize what a wonderful man she has. She will thank you too.

2006-12-05 17:03:48 · answer #2 · answered by ssssss 4 · 0 0

Start counseling by yourself. See how it goes.

Not sure what you mean by "offensive", but you should probably try to back off a bit and get a real handle on what the problems are. If she has specific 'past' issues that she's brought up, bring them to the counselor's attention.

Be truthful with the counselor and yourself. These things are seldom one persons problem and both sides need to be accepting of the past and willing to work on the future if things are going to work out in the end.

Give it time. Continue to invite her to counseling if that's what the counselor recommends. You could even see, after you go, if she wants to do solo sessions as well and work into couples counseling sessions.

2006-12-05 16:57:56 · answer #3 · answered by bionicbookworm 5 · 0 0

Go to counselling on your own, read as many book as you can, there are so many you can read it's not funny! Once she see's that you're making a real effort and once she see's a difference in you she might start to get involved.

The reason she probably doesn't want to is because you need to 'invest in her emotional bank account' so to speak. The more thoughtful you are of her, the more you do for her, the safer she will feel, the more she'll open up and you'll be able to sort it out.

2006-12-05 16:59:01 · answer #4 · answered by kittyandcj 2 · 0 0

Marriage is a partnership, so u both have to be willing to consider the others point! Ask her why she is so opposed to counseling, then explain to her you are willing to do this to save the marriage. If she does not want to participate after that you may want to seek individual counseling for yourself. Children are involved so make sure you have checked all options before you make a move. Sounds like you are willing to do what it takes to make this work but you can't do it alone!

2006-12-05 16:59:51 · answer #5 · answered by Dre 2 · 1 0

Managed seperation... I am in one right now. Do you attend church? Talk to your clergy. Managed seperation is a cooling off period. Kinda goes with the theroy, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" Does it work? It has done well for me, so far. How long should it last? As long as it needs to. Divorce should be an absolute LAST option unless there is some sort of abuse in the marriage, on either side. Good Luck sweetie, I have been exactly whre you are....

2006-12-05 17:09:28 · answer #6 · answered by mlw6366 3 · 0 0

One of the most common questions spouses ask when confronting a marriage crisis is this: How can I save my marriage if my partner doesn't want to help find a solution? How do I succeed I am trying to save my marriage on my own? Learn here https://tr.im/1MbQG

It is a typical enough story: one partner leaves, the other stays. One remains 'in love', the other is uncertain. Whatever it is that has caused a couple to be apart, the one person who remains bears the prospect, fear, doubt, desire, hope of saving his or her marriage' alone.

2016-02-11 06:17:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

There is a really great book that I think that you should read it is called "getting the love you want a guide for couples" it is written by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. It is a really great book and helped me out tons, even though he didn't want counseling. Good luck!
I really hope that it all turns out alright for you.

2006-12-05 17:00:17 · answer #8 · answered by kimberly b 4 · 0 0

I am about to tell you the hardest think you will ever hear but it will save your marriage. It is based on the definiton of true love and is the hardest thing to do. To save your marriage you need to think of her not yourself. You need to be selfless completely. It will try you and burn you in the refiners fire but when she sees what you are doing she will respond to it. You have to stop the circle.

2006-12-05 16:55:02 · answer #9 · answered by xx_muggles_xx 6 · 0 0

If your wife refuses counselling, go get counselling yourself. It may give you a better perspective on things, and in time perhaps your wife will agree to join you.

Good luck to you, and I hope it all works out.

2006-12-05 16:55:08 · answer #10 · answered by Victoria 4 · 0 0

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