We're getting married - Are we doing the right thing?

Question

My fiancee and I have known one another for over five years, now. To clarify, we met at the start of our sophomore year in high school. Now, she's on the east coast in college, and I'm in the Air Force, stationed in the midwest. We were good friends for a long time, though I had very strong feelings for her. It wasn't until after I left home that we found out we shared the same (very strong) feelings for one another.

Now, we're planning on getting married at the end of December. Most people seem to be very happy for us, but there are some that are remarkably negative. I haven't seen my fiancee in over two years; We've never actually dated. However, we love each other to such an extent that marriage is very much what we want. Furthermore, our wedding was only going to be the two of us, and a best friend to serve as a witness. Yes, we are going to have a civil wedding. Now, one side of my family is up in arms over the fact that they won't be there.

Are her and I doing the right thing?

To clarify, and respond to a few of the negative answers...

We are not letting our glands do the thinking.

My military career is not going to be over and done with in a few years. I plan on remaining in the military for quite a long time.

My fiancee is not some fair-weather friend that I just so happen to remember from high school. She was, quite literally, my closest friend for pretty much all of high school.

My feelings for her weren't realized just out of the blue after I left for the military. I was quite in love with her from just about the start. However, I knew that she was only interested in having a friend, so I never pressed the issue.

Before any more answers to this question are submitted, please remember that I am in the military, 1200 miles away from my fiancee. Spending time with her, one-on-one, is quite impossible. So what would a more lengthy engagement have to offer?

Answer 1

To call this a bad idea would be an insult to bad ideas.

Answer 2

One thing that would cause me to say that this is a bad idea is the fact that you haven't seen each other in two years. People can change quite a bit in two years. How do you know that you are still the same people with the same values and future goals? Another is that your feelings grew stronger after you were apart. Could it be that once you are together again, those feelings will disappear? Also, the two of you are very young to be making such a commitment.

But on the positive side, you have known each other for 5 years, so it isn't as though you met a few months ago. If you do go ahead with the wedding, you shouldn't worry about the fact that some family members are upset that they cannot be there. You can always tell them that you will exchange vows again in front of all the family members once you are home again.

My advice would be to be engaged for another year before getting married.

Answer 3

Wow! Firstly, I know a lot of people who one goes into the military so they decide to get married real quick. However your case is a little different. I understand that you guys share the same feelings, but have you ever even been intimate with one another. A kiss, hold hands. Also, if you've never spent time with each other that way, how can you know if you'll even be able to live together. What if you just can't stand each others bad habits? Also, 2 years. Thats a long time. What if you've changed? You're probably not the same people you were when you last seen each other. I'm sure you talk on the phone often but since marriage means you'll probably be living together you may want to just get back together in a dating way, rather than rush into marriage. You have to figure these things out before you do something drastic. Good Luck and I hope everything works out.

Answer 4

A far flung relationship is nothing to base a marriage on ,,,,, You need a one on one face to face relationship to get to know each other well enough to make a good decision here ,,,, People can fall in love with what their idea in their mind is of the other person but that is all it is ,,,,, You think you are in love but what you are really looking at is the picture you have in your mind ,,,,You said you've never really dated her and you haven't seen her in over two years so what the both of you are dealing with here is a memory of her and her you ,,,, Who knows ,,,, If you go to meat each other at an airport or train station you just might walk past each other and not even know it ,,,, Give it some time ,,,,, If the two of you really are in love then it will stand the test of time ,,,, Wait until you can have this one on one relationship ,,,, See what happens then and decide if you are of the same mind later ,,,, Stop letting your glands do your thinking for you ,,,,Like I said if it's real then you don't have to worry about it ,,,,, It will happen eventually ,,,, It will always be there so there's no reason to get in a hurry about it ,,,, If it doesn't work out then you've avoided a very big mistake ,,,, The wisest thing to do is wait ,,,,

Answer 5

Uhhh,, it may work out, but I think the odds are waaaayyyy against it.
This statement worries me the most:
"...It wasn't until after I left home that we found out we shared the same (very strong) feelings for one another."

That would seem to me, to be an indication of something other than what you "think" it is, namely that it could be from insecurity, desperation, or something.
How could you know MORE now about your feelings, than when you were actually in each others presence?
And all these people who think it's a bad idea "may" be wrong, but you have to wonder. What do they say about it? What's their take on it?

My big question is, why the big hurry? Instead of committing to marriage, I think you should have taken a smaller step - committed to living in the same place after whatever it is that separates you, isn't happening any longer.
In other words, if you haven't even dated, you can't possibly really know this person enough to know if they're going to be a good lifelong mate.
I think the two of you are engaging in a huge fantasy, and those usually don't work out after the initial excitement wears off and you are in the reality of living with this person.

Answer 6

To be honest, you guys sound very young...only half-way through your college experience. Most folks wold recommend you wait until after college, thats when the REAL **** goes down. People get tossed and turned in all kinds of directions during this time, it is a real test of your commitment to one another if you can survive this time.

PLUS, there is a significantly higher divorce rate for folks who marry your age versus folks who wait even just a few more years (like 2-3). I can't remember where I read this, but it is true, given that your mid-20's are an especially volatile time in your life.

That being said, only you both know if you're doing the right thing. Listening to friends and family, though they mean well, can be the WORST thing for your relationship, as they only care for YOU, want whats best for YOU and will take sides, which pits you against one another.

I'd recommend taking a trip over to your local Barnes and Noble or Borders bookstore and camping out in that relationshio/self-help isle. If you guys are serious and want to make the commitment, you have to give it your all. And that means doing your research. Don't slack off in this department, this could be the most important subject area of your life.

Best of luck!!!

Answer 7

I think you're doing the right thing. You might want to schedule a second, more formal church ceremony later on when the whole family can be there. Most churches will do that if you arrange it.

You have had the experience of having had love grow and mature in absence from each other. That is a very strong plus. You both sound like mature, right-thinking, young people. I wish you both the very best, and your family should as well.

Answer 8

Ok. Its hard to start explaining this, but i'll try. There is a reason why the divorce rate in the US is so high: People dont know what marriage is for, what it means and what their roles are once they are married. The husband is supposed to be the head of the household, selfless, the example for the family, the one who leads the family and remember, selfless. The wife is supposed to be submissive to the husband, to be tender, love and honor her husband. It helps to read Ephesians 5, since marriage is 'of divine origin.' Trust me, I wish I had that information before I got married. It would have prevented a lot of the 1st year bickering for power - but like i said a home is suppposed to have one head, because 'anything with two heads is a monster'
So, if you think you are ready to be that kind of husband, then do it, other wise you will be wasting your time.

Answer 9

What's right for you and your fiancee is what's right. However, you could always follow up later with a vow renewal, or just a reception; that includes the whole family (for those that should choose to come). One thing to consider is to work on having a closer family relationship then what you have had between each other so far; and between both family's. I mean, evidently neither of you are extremely close to your family, or you probably wouldn't have considered having a wedding without them. Change history with your new beginning; and CONGRATULATIONS!

Answer 10

Dude, take your time, what's the rush. If she's the girl for you, she'll be there waiting for you and then you can date her and find out if she's the right one for you. The saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder is true, because it sometimes puts things out of proportion and doesn't tell you the whole story. When you get back, go to her, date her and find out if you really see as eye to eye as you think. In the mean time, keep her and your long distance babe, cuz like I said, if she's meant for you, she'll still be there after all the tough times in waiting.

You really shouldn't go into marriage without spending that time together and by not actually "dating" her, you are doing yourself, her and the act of marriage a disrespectfull dis-service, but not giving it, and yourselves the proper respect.

Answer 11

Well, even with the 10 over years cout ship also the couples don;t seems to understand one another basically it is not matter of how many years you know one and another. The important factor of life is understanding, tolerance, patience, give and take, good attitude and sense of humor and no possessiveness, not to steretype especially comes to in laws, feels the same way for both mothers,no expectations, don;t be self centered, don't be king or queen control, all this will plan your marriage be a happiest marriage life.