When I married my husband 6 years ago, he had two teenagers who treated me horribly. The son has apologized and we have a good relationship. The daughter has not spoken to us for 4 years. Now, she and my husband are making contact again and he wants me to make amends with her. Should I ask that she apologize to me? (If MY daughter had treated my husband in the way she treated me, I would MAKE her apologize.) The last thing my stepdaughter said to me 4 years ago, was calling me an obscenity starting with a "c." She was 18, she is now 23. She has caused my husband incredible harm, including suing him and helping her mother defraud him. I don't trust her at all. What should I do? He wants us to get together and "make amends" over Christmas.
2006-12-05 15:37:24 · 51 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Oh, and I didn't meet my husband until after he was divorced - ie., I had nothing to do with the divorce.
2006-12-05 15:46:37 · update #1
yes you should, now get me to 682, dammnit, make amends, it's Christmas, and not another Holiday, for crying out loud, laugh it up, make light of your differences, hey, make fun of them. LOL.......whatever you do, you have to starta somewhere, sweety, can't keep a grudge all your life(or atleast until they get divorced) she's there to stay. besides, doesn't holding a grudge get you drained? you have to keep that face up for hours on end when they show up, LOL, you'll get old quicker doing that..........Kiss and make up, hell, be the first to admit it, I bet she'd love to as well.
wow after reading that post, I'd say be the bigger woman, you deserve that much more pride in yourself. her dad should've wooped her **** for doing such things, but hey, it'll pass.
2006-12-05 15:43:09 · answer #1 · answered by puertorock882003 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry that you had to grow through all of that! First of all no, i don't think you should ask her to apologize to you, honestly, i think you should leave it all in the past. I say this because its not like you live with her or have to deal with her on a daily basis. See her at Christmas and kill her with kindness. Pretend that nothing she did bothered you and act happy to see her. Hopefully that will make her realize she had you all wrong and apologize on her own. I also recommend doing this because she is your husbands daughter, and even though she put him through hell, he loves her and has probably been missing her. That means if you continue this feud, he may start to resent you for the problems between him and his daughter and eventually destroy your relationship. And honestly 23 is much older than 18, people really grow up during that time so maybe she has changed. overall give it a chance and be as kind and polite as possible, i mean don't be fake, but be nice to her. i think if you do this it will keep your relationship with your husband in tact and just make your life easier!
2006-12-05 15:47:01 · answer #2 · answered by Bubby'sGirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NOOOO!!! You can't start any relationship over again when you are starting off demanding an apology. That's just for your own pride, that doesn't serve anyone else but you. And, as a mother, you need to put your own feelings aside sometimes and just make the family work.
If she called you a name a few years ago, big deal!!! She was 18, hormonal and knew everything. ALL 18 year olds are that way. You can't fault a pig for being a pig, you know.
Accept her into your home, be gracious, but be AWARE of what could happen. Be prepared to nip any unwanted behavior in the bud, but don't attack her. Don't treat her like she's unwelcome, because it's your husband's child after all, and it's your duty to let them have a relationship.
2006-12-05 15:45:19 · answer #3 · answered by Chellebelle78 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The first thing I would do is to sit down and talk to my husband about what to do, after all their his children. I don't mean that in a bad way, but I wouldn't want to cause any problems between you and him. Then if you and he agree I would tell her that she should be ashamed for doing the things that she has done. Tell her that you did not try to take her mothers place that you only wanted to be her friend. Sounds to me like she was a spoiled brat. Just what till she has a child it will come home to her the way she treated you all. I guess the old saying is right there are people in this world that you can't be good too.
2006-12-05 15:46:37 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Pilar, First off I don't know how old you are but being that you are old enough to get married you should also be mature enough to get over something that a teenager who probably wanted to do everything possible to run you away from her father may have done. Don't get me wrong I mean if she apologizes to you then that is great but if she doesn't then don't sweat it. If you can sleep with your husband every night and forgive him for letting them treat you like that in the first place then surely you can forgive a undeveloped raging harmone teen as well. Just seems like the common thing to do would be to get over it and make a mends since you stuck around after all that you went threw with the kids anyway!!!!
2006-12-05 15:44:53 · answer #5 · answered by Jazzie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be the grown up. Be civil. Be courteous. Give her a hug. Strive to be bigger than the situation. Grit your teeth, if need be. And stay away from any heavy discussion and argument.
The only solution would be to drop the past and mutually agree to start again from scratch, and it doesn't sound like you're ready for that. Yet.
Patience and tolerance is required in this sort of family.
Step-parenting sucks, but like all things, if you keep at it, you'll learn how to deal with things better, the family will slowly heal, and there will be rewards and fulfillment at the end of the trek. Good luck.
I'll send you my tee-shirt.
2006-12-05 15:52:59 · answer #6 · answered by Boomer Wisdom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My mother experienced the same type of issue over 20 years ago with her step daughter. She forgave her and they now have a good relationship. She and her husband are also very proud grandparents of a beautiful granddaughter. Read my question I asked on forgiveness and the best answer chosen.
I know you were hurt. I'm not saying be stupid and let her do it again, but you need to decide what the ending is going to be. A bitter torn apart family, or a well blended family that had their tough times, over came them and are stronger now.
Happy Holidays - remember it is the season for miracles.
2006-12-05 15:49:06 · answer #7 · answered by smwah345 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Give her a chance.
Honestly I would not want to but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't because no matter what life itself is about second chances.
If it doesn't work out in your conscience you know you tried and your husband will forever admire your generous soul and open heart. He will respect you for your kind thoughts at Christmas Oh!! but be SURE to let her know that you we not happy about the past but you are willing to give it a second chance to make things better. (just to see if she would apologize) You can chase up on the apology after the initial dust has settled from the first contact and conversation.
2006-12-05 15:45:21 · answer #8 · answered by Sarah 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a monster child. You poor soul, such a horrible situation to be in. All I can say, is follow the lead from your husband. Ultimately he is going to decide whether or not to welcome her back.
If you do not welcome her back--you will look like the villain, and she will look like the victim. Even though we all know that is truly not the case. But she sounds horribly manipulative, and those type of people always manage to come across as the wounded party.
Welcome her back (if that is what your husband wishes) and then stand back and watch how quickly she falls back into her old ways. She will. But at least everyone will have to admit that you tried to make amends.
2006-12-05 15:43:34 · answer #9 · answered by maamu 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well if you are the reason her parents aren't married anymore, you are the one who should be apologizing to her. Otherwise, just let it roll, and move on in a positive way. Forget the past and look towards the future. If you love your husband you have to accept his children regardless of what they did, if it is going to strengthen their relationship. You promised for better or worse, and that includes the kids. Put yourself in her position, and think how you would feel if you were a teenager and all of a sudden your dad told you he was going to get remarried - would you do back flips? Especially if you were the reason for the divorce. I'm not saying you were, but if you were...thats a whole different story.
2006-12-05 15:42:10 · answer #10 · answered by AnswerWhore 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, accept her with open arms. I understand that she may have been hurtful, but it wasn't her decision to replace her mother at the time either. So while it was hard, you shouldn't take it too personally because she felt her family threatened by your mere presence. While she may be a brat, and other things, she is still your step daughter. Perhaps if you viewed her less of "his" or "her" daughter and more of "my" (your) daughter, she may have been more receptive.
Nonetheless, what's done is done, the only thing you'll do by making an issue of it is prolong the trouble that was left 4 years ago, so be the more mature person and let it go.
2006-12-05 15:42:02 · answer #11 · answered by Say it like it is 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋