Who is more important in a married mans life his Mom or his Wife?

Question

My husband of 10 years {no kids} I have 3 on their own, has to drive 5 hours round trip and spend 4 or 5 days working on his Moms house instead of working at a real job here, he works here when he gets work, I pay most of the bills, she has 2 mortgages on a house and is 76 and has health problems, but their is senior programs who will work on her house, also she has a home health aide for 4 hours a day, meals on wheels, and I cant take care of everything finacially myself, he has gave me 120 in the last 5 months to help with bills, his Mom expects him to drop everything and work on her house that a bank has 2 mortgages on, when senior programs charge 3 dollars an hour for retired people to help, I need help too, but Mom was an abusive person who left him with other people to raise and had 3 husbands and was a very mean person to him while growing up, now she thinks she was perfect Mom and wants him to drive there and fix the houseup, he also has a suspended license , could get caught

Answer 1

The wife will always come first. A man can't choose his first family, but he does choose his second. The second chance deserves ALL the attention. That is his legacy.

Moms are special, and you have to take care of them as much as you can. And sometimes you are the only one that can do it. But if you can afford help, or if other family members can help.. then you do so.

BUT if you have to walk away physically (stay there emotionally) in order to get someone else to help out. Then you have to.

YOUR family must come first in ALL ways. Mom had her shot at choosing a husband, getting an education, and preparing for her future. If she blew it, she blew it. You were just a kid, you are not responsible then or now for another adults life. She choose what she did, you choose what you can do for your family.

Answer 2

You have a liability. That means this guy is costing you money. If he gave you $120 in 5 months, that means he's given you the equivalent of 80 cents a day. (That's $120 divided by 150 days. equals 80 cents per day.) The food you feed him costs you more than 80 cents a day, so you're losing money on this deal. Tell him to move in with his mother. Find yourself another man, or do without a man. Believe it or not, you can make it on your own, because it would cost you less to live on your own than it's costing you to feed this guy. Believe it or not, once this guy has been living with his mother for a few weeks, he'll be glad to come back to you and get a real job that contributes to the household rather than catering to his mother for nothing. He may have a grand plan and be thinking that if he's nice to his mother, she'll leave him the house when she dies. Might be true, but I doubt it. Also, the net worth of the house after the mortgages are paid might amount to nothing. Ask him if that's why he's helping his mother, and explain that he may end up with zero dollars for this efforts. In other words, his mother didn't give a rip about him when he was a youngster, and is just using him now that he's an adult. He needs to wise up. Maybe you can help him see the light, and make him realize that he sould be helping you instead of being suckered by his mom.

Answer 3

Well ignore all the advice of leaving your husband.
You said he works when he gets work in your area so there is no issue there in the quality of his work ethic. The issue is of quantity. He is giving time to his mother and that is affecting you financially. That is noble on one hand. He is making a sacrifice. Together you are all a family. So I suggest you sit down, all three of you and make a list of everyone's needs, interests and concerns for each member of your family and put a time and cost figure to each item. Look at all your resources as a family, prioritize the list and see where the short fall is. Brainstorm how you are going to meet that short fall, and if you can't then start cutting the budget. Be fair to everyone, show you care about everyone, and make sure everyone is doing their fair share. As a senior and dependent lady she definitely deserves more consideration as she is less able to make sacrifices, yet her needs must also be within reason. She cannot demand. Yet she should not be neglected for some real or imagined faults of ththe past. Otherwise what is the meaning of family? This idea that "you had your chance to make it, now you have failed so get lost", is really mercenary and cold. You have a communications problem here. Go woth him to the mothers house and have an annuals family budget meeting. Bring all your ideas to the table. If they are not willing to hear you or respect your needs, interests and concerns, then do the minimal you have to do to protect your interests. You have power and control, start exercising it.

Answer 4

THE WIFE>but he does only and will always only have one Mom. But neglecting his own family is not the right thing to do. He should be working to support his family and getting his license back. Not to mention the expense of the drive. Are you sure its his Mom he is going to see? Where does he get gas money? Sorry for the implication; but that was my first thought.

Answer 5

There's nothing wrong with a married man helping his aging mom out if she requests it. But not at the neglect of his own family, who's care should be his primary responsibility.

A mature man will be devoted to his wife over his mother, and a mature mother will fully realize that. But your mother-in-law is obviously not a mature adult, and there is much dysfunction going on in that family, and unfortunately it's found it's way into yours.

Sadly, it sounds as if your husband bought into a lot of neuroses, guilt and abuse during his upbringing. Hopefully you can convince him to get into some therapy either with you or individually.

You've definitely got your challenges ahead of you. But you're attitude is a realistic one, and his is not.

Good luck.

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Answer 6

He is trying to win her love (still). You knew this when you married him so why are you griping? As his wife, you should come first. He is still wrapped in this dysfunctional cycle of trying to please her. She will never be pleased. Ever. She sounds like that type of person. To honor his mother is to make sure she is safe and has the basics: food, shelter. That is IT. BUT..........there isn't anything you can do about it now. He has made his choice. Make a habit of going with him everytime he goes over there. Maybe that will irritate her and she will quit asking. Or YOU do these odd chores for her and leave your husband at home. Maybe she will get the hint then.

Answer 7

I would say the wife is more important. However mothers can get rather jealous of the wife. They can make the son(husband) feel guilty, etc. Ofcourse mothers are important, but their job is done. They had the kids, saw them grow up, taught them, etc. It's now the childs time to do the same for their own children.

Answer 8

Truthfully, the wife should be the most important thing in a married man's life. Try telling him how you feel (not yelling and accusing, talking calmly with reason) and try a little compromise--maybe he can cut back a little but still help some and make you both happy.

Answer 9

The Wife. If he still wants a wife and a happy marriage he needs to figure out how to balance both. Don't let it happen. Hire the senior program yourself.

Answer 10

dont put it that way, once you're married you need to focus on your own family and not so much on your mom, but they are both equally important....just because you're married now doesn't mean that you have to forget about your mom, first of all think about all his mom has done from him since birth until he moved out....she has always been there.....and she can't work because she's old...on the other hand you are still young and dont need to depend much on your husband....if your husband is basically living off of you then yeah tell him...but if hes trying to help you and his mom, try to be understanding and know what he's going through, he can't just abandon her now that she needs him the most....