What do you think of my poem or song?

Question

I wrote about my friend she just went through some sad and angry time.
You lied to me
You went and told all of your friends
Did you think?
I would never ever would find out
Well I did and now you crossed the line
I don’t know where to start but I’m losing my mind
Day to day and all the time
You said we were cool
But you went and started to be a fool
You cheated and tricked
Well now I’ve found the missing link
Here we are
All alone together now
I wanna say something before you blurt out
How could you
You went and made the biggest mistake of your life
You’ll regret when you are sleeping at night
Tossing and turning trying feel alright
But you want no you never will
It will haunt you in your dreams and will jump out at you when your walkin at night
You know we had a lot in common
We could of went on in a better direction
But now you changed the idea
How do you like it
To feel miserable all your life
You should of just stopped and think for a minute
But that was the past and the future is now
Nothing can save you
All you can do is remember what you have done

Answer 1

Sounds like a rant. It's scattered and lacking rhythm. There are many improper uses of words, your grammar and tenses are incorrect and some of the sentences are incomplete.

should have...not should of
could have...not could of

Answer 2

Avoid the word's you and I and we in poetry if at all possible. Separate the reader from imagining this rant, this ownership of sentences. Your best line in the poem is "All alone together now".

Answer 3

I like the way it moves. It has good speed/pacing, which is assisted in a subtle and effective way by the words you chose to rhyme and assonate.

Answer 4

Just Like Heaven - The Cure Y.Y exhibit me exhibit me exhibit me the way you do this trick the one who makes me scream she mentioned the one who makes me snicker she mentioned and threw her palms round my neck exhibit me the way you do it and that i promise you i promise that i'm going to run away with you i'm going to run away with you spinning on that dizzy part i kissed her face and kissed her head and dreamed of all of the special approaches i needed to make her glow why are you thus far away? she mentioned why may not you ever recognize that i am in love with you? that i am in love with you? you tender and simplest you misplaced and lonely you unusual as angels dancing within the private oceans twisting within the water you are identical to a dream... you are identical to a dream... sunlight licked me into form i have got to were asleep for days and relocating lips to respire her identify i spread out my eyes and located myself by myself by myself by myself above a raging sea that stole the one lady i cherished and drowned her deep within of me you tender and simplest you misplaced and lonely you identical to heaven Oh I agree w/ " The Spork " Love Song is any such quality tune too Y.Y

Answer 5

It's pretty cool. It sounds like a theat note(I'm not saying that's a bad thing). I like it. Cause it's not some cheesy poem. It's deeper. Congratulations!

Answer 6

i guess it's not bad. but im not really feeling anything. it just sounds....empty. just not feeling it.