Disowned by my own family...how to fix things?

Question

I just came out about a week ago and I am staying at a friends. I really upset my family. My dad told me that I need to see a shrink and my mom found my male porno in secret places in my room. What should I do? Do I confront the issue?

I am 21 so its legal to kick me out

I was discovered when my dad barged in without knocking. He found out Jared is more than a friend let's just say...then I got ruffed up...and I hit him back kinda hard...my dad bled. It's terrible...any more advice?

Answer 1

Wow. What a tough question.

The good news is that you're not alone. You have friends. You still have a support system, and it sounds like you are using it.

Do you think you could grow up a few years in the next few weeks and try to make it on your own? Or would you rather go back home, even if your parents are unwilling to accept you?

If you do return home, they may demand that you follow certain "rules" or conditions, or they may refuse to talk about what happened at all. Granted, they did find out about your sexuality in a rather direct way, and depending on how little they really knew about you, their worlds may have been rocked pretty hard. It may take quite some time for them to come to terms with having a gay son; for the sake of realism, it is possible that they never will.

For the time being, agreeing to go to therapy may be a good compromise. If you can, find a therapist yourself. I would recommend a psychologist to begin with, who could later provide a psychiatric referral if you become depressed and need medication. As you call around, ask if the therapist is competent with regard to gay issues and whether he/she practices gay-affirmative psychotherapy.

A good psychologist will not attempt to change you. A good psychologist will help you identify and make the best use of your strengths in order to get you through this difficult time, and ultimately help you to construct the kind of life you want for yourself. A good psychologist is informed and sensitive regarding the unique pressures gay people have to deal with, and a good psychologist will never hold your sexuality against you.

Good therapy promotes healing and growth. You can also use it as an opportunity to deal with your feelings in a safe place, secure in the knowledge that your therapist will not divulge the content of your work together to anyone without your permission.

*AVOID* any therapist who tells you that a homosexual orientation can be changed! The American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association have both affirmed that homosexuality is not a disease, and therefore it cannot be "cured." While there is no accepted scientific evidence that a gay man can become straight, there is ample anecdotal evidence that such "therapies" can be quite harmful.

(I have had considerable education in psychology, so I feel I can speak with some authority on this matter.)

Even if you do choose to continue living at home for now, it might be a good idea to use your time there as a foundation for a more self-determined life. Find a job (or keep working extra hard if you have one), save as much money as you can, and investigate other places you'd like to live. Hopefully you'll be leaving home on your own terms next time.

My heart goes out to you. I wish you the best of luck in the days ahead.

P.S. I've attached some links to books that you might also find helpful.

Answer 2

Maybe a week is too soon if your parents don't really understand. You don't say how old you are but if your 18 maybe it's time to get out on your own. If not, then you are going to have to talk to them about this since it's not your friend's responsibility to support you.

Parents are always shocked to find out something about their kids. I think the hurt is in knowing that you aren't like them - they brought you up and now they are finding out you are your own person. Kinda like someone not joining a family business when the dad is already dreaming about adding "and son" to the sign.

And being gay isn't a big deal, it's just that they know gays can be treated awful by ignorant people and they are saddened that you will have to deal with this grief in your life.

Give them some time to accept the fact that you know who you are. You may need to keep it really low key around them. After all, it is a sexual preference, and on one wants to think their kids are old enough for sex!

Answer 3

Dude... I really feel for you, but seriously, if your parents are being that homophobic, and your dad HIT YOU because you're gay, I wouldn't try to go back. I know it must be really hard to face the fact that your parents are acting this way, and that it's hard to get out on your own, especially without your family's support, but I worry about your safety in that situation. You'll be much more secure if you're not depending on people that are willing to kick you out and hurt you because of who you are. If you want to talk to them about it at some point, that's up to you, but it may take a long time for them to come around, if ever. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 4

Depending on how old you are, it is illegal for your parents to kick you out of the house. You can call the police and tell them your story, but you cant be kicked out if you are under 18, and you cant be kicked out period unless they legally give you an eviction notice, which they have to go pay for.

Other than that, as far as fixing the issue of them not being happy you really dont have much you can do. You can let them know you still love them, and that you are scared and that you need them in this time to be there for you.

My parents just got over it with time. My mom disowned me but now she gives me relationship advice.

Its kinda something parents do at first, because they think that is how theyre supposed to react.

Answer 5

Give them time. They will come around and soften up. Don't let them brow-beat you into going for therapy or religion. More likely than not, they are concerned with how they look. They might think that your coming out makes them look like they were poor parents. But you are who you are, so don't beat yourself up over this, and don't give in to their demands. They don't want to see you away from the family for too long, and it is only a matter of time before they have to admit that this is the way you are.

Good luck. Things will be OK, it just takes a bit of time.

Answer 6

I'd say time and education. You were kind of stupid for having sex with your lover in your parents house. Unfortunately, many gay people get disowned by their families.

Join a gay lesbian community center near you and attend any support groups that they have that are relevant to your situation. If you have no gay community center then look for any kind of coming out support groups that exist near you. Go to a gay section of a book store and read up on coming out stories. Do a google search for the pflag site and read up on dealing with families when coming out.

Try and maintain open lines of communication with your family. This will take time and education for both you and them.

Get your self a job and a place to stay. Start looking for loans and scholarships if you are in school.

I'll pray for you.

Answer 7

Leave them be for a while. They need time to think things out. Sooner or later they'll realize that you're still there son. When my sister-in-law first told her parents, it was really bad for a while, but in time, everyone got over it.

Answer 8

Give them some time to adjust to the situation, I am sure they probably suspected it, but, really didn't want to hear it, It was probably a shock to them, so give them some space, and maybe in a few months you can try to fix the relationship.

Answer 9

i think time might be the best solution. I'm sure, even if they had an inkling, that deep down they knew, but "knowing" and knowing are two different things. It really sucks, and I feel your frustration....

Answer 10

they are probably going to need time. i'm sorry they are angry. some people will just feel the way they feel and you can't change it. it's important for you to be true to yourself and live your life to make you happy. congratulations on being so brave and being yourself.