this is a serious relationship question that has been effecting my mental health and life. pls no foolish answ

Question

i dont currently love this woman. but she is still at the core of my feelings. im a very angry/mean person and i believe the reason is because of the unresolved issues i have with her.

a year ago she told me that she had been dating another man. this flipped my whole world upside down and inside out. since then she stopped dating him (apparantly it wasnt serious in the first place, she said he was basicly a friend but ...you dont go out with a friend to the bar, with your kids to the movies...she was dating him). weve been trying to fix things. she has been distant though and my anger has not even begun to be satisfied. she doesnt even think she did anything wrong.

i keep being very verbaly violent to her and then not talking to her for a few months. ...then i get nastalgic, we talk, i obsess, she withdraws, i get angry, she thinks shes righteous and refuse to think about anything, i believe i can finish my life without talking to her ever again, i try... and the cycle repeats

...i think i need to resolve my unresolved issues with her before i can move on in my life. ...because i am carrying around a couple tons of anger that belong soley to her.

if we could somehow fix things...which honestly seems unimaginable and impossible..but i think that would be the best solution if it were possible.

..this whole thing has a direct and basicly complete impact on my mental health and life. .....i dont want advice from you unless you have some kind of formal education. ...you dont have to have a degree but please... you gotta know something.


thanks

thanks Jenn, that was one of the best answers ive ever gotten on this site.

thanks for your sympathy and not just automaticly jumping to what a horrible messed up person i am. that seems to be the default answer of most people (right Mark?).

i will actually considor seeing a psychiatrist which is something ive never done before.

alex, i just said that she was the source of my anger. why are you questioning me?

did i not just say that? did i offer that up for debate? NO! do you not think ive thought about this and thought about this and thought about this for years?

i dont give a crap if yovue been married for 37 years and you have a stock broker as a kid. that does not equal an educated answer.

Answer 1

I speak from a little bit of experience in this situation, that she should be remorseful for what she has done if this relationship was to work out and get better. The fact that you said she doesn't think or act like she did anything wrong, suggests to me that she wasn't too serious about making things right with you. I mean think about it...how can you be trying to fix something when you don't even think you did anything wrong in the first place? I realize and understand that you have some anger and resentment issues with her, but that doesn't mean that you have to hold on to her until she takes responsibility for her actions. It sounds like she may never take responsibility for the things that she's done wrong. I definately think that you should talk to someone about this, a therapist would be great because not only are they there to listen to what you have to say, they offer you advice on HOW to work through this and resolve these issues. But you simply CANNOT turn to this woman to help you resolve this. It may hurt some to completely move on from her, but trust me, you'll feel so much better when you find someone who will treat you the right way. At least someone with a soul who can feel remorse for the things that they do wrong. Good luck. I wish you the best.

J

Answer 2

It actually does not sound like a intellectual wellbeing limitation; it seems like one way or the other your female friend had a brand new enjoy and adored it. Perhaps she noticed a bondage movie, learn a suggestive piece of literature, did a few study on-line, and even met any one with whom she had an 'enjoy'. I'm no longer looking to suggest some thing approximately your female friend, however you will have been in combination for a long time, and she or he would have got bored along with your events. Yes, maybe you're going at it sizzling and heavy, however she would no longer be as well approximately speaking her wishes to you as you count on she is. As a different lady who has had an overly rough time explaining what I desire to my boyfriend, I might say that maybe she was once making an attempt within the excellent method she knew to get you into her most recent want. You maybe grossed out via the reality she desired you to do anything sexual that still incorporated her ***. So what? There are ladies available in the market who're disgusted on the inspiration of hanging a penis of their mouth. Everyone is extraordinary--maybe you'll be able to take a seat down along with her, give an explanation for flippantly what you probably did and didn't like approximately the enjoy, and propose that you simply check out new matters at a slower and extra forgiving speed. Do a few study on ways of anal interplay, see if there is some thing you are inclined to take a look at, and be as open-minded as viable. Also, propose that she take a pleasant, hot, thorough bathtub and blank up very, very good subsequent time...it would possibly not odor. Good good fortune to either one of you. It sounds such as you love her very a lot, so do not stop, simply open up the traces of conversation just a little extra. I'm definite you 2 can discover a center flooring and take much more pride in each your intercourse existence and the way good you realise every different.

Answer 3

The only person in this world that you can control is yourself. Your anger is yours and yours alone. What I don't understand from reading what you write is why you would want to be with someone you obviously don't even like, never mind love. You need to talk to someone to figure out where your anger stems from and learn how to deal with it before you do something you may truly regret. It only takes a minute to change your life for the worst. It takes a lot longer to do so for the better. You more than likely won't be able to do this alone, but with help, the cycle can be broken. Just the fact that you are reaching out here shows you know there is a problem. Think about it.

Answer 4

MMMk, let me start with some questions.......

Was it clearly communicated at the beginning of the relationship that it was an exclusive union?

At the point that she told you about the other man, how long had you been together? Had you met her kids? And how long had she been seeing the other man?

Now. A general statement or two........

It IS possible to go to a bar and even introduce your kids to a friend of the opposite sex and it really JUST BE A FRIENDLY RELATIONSHIP. Those are not factors that automatically qualify someone as "dating" in my opinion. Second, perception is nutty, have you thought about the fact that maybe her behavior is as such because she percieves that she didn't do anything wrong because in her mind it was truly just friends?

Your anger does not belong to her, it belongs to you.

Answer 5

I am answering your question because I have been through this same type of situation from a third-person perspective.

My middle son's partner of nine yrs. did this same thing. My son tried, but could not get past what had happened. Then she repeated the offense, after she left my son and their 18 month-old daughter.

The cycle repeated itself a total of FIVE TIMES before he was able to let go of her entirely. He is now the single father of three; yes, she had a kid every time she came back but one.

My son never learned what I hope, for your sake, you can learn. That was, and is, that his anger and aggression was not totally the fault of their situation. He brought those feelings into the relationship in the beginning, though they were not visible during the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Their severe problems just brought them into the open.

The first thing you need to do is to get professional help. If you cannot afford it, most state have a fee-for-service sliding scale to help. Be sure the counselor you get understands you, and that you feel comfortable with him/her. This is critical.Just as in marriage, one size does NOT fit all. You may have to visit two or three counselors before you find the right fit, but do not give up. The best hope for you and your relationship is a good counselor. After you have seen someone on your own for a while, if you and your partner are still together, you will probably need to go together.

Whether she wants it or not, though you need this for yourself. Very few of us go into a relationship without emotional baggage of one kind or another, so take heart. We all need help, but you're finding out in time to do something about it!

God's blessings be with you.

Answer 6

First of all I am so sorry for the stress you are going through and I hope I will be able to give you some advice..But in the end it's really up to you if you wish to take it.

You need to really ask you yourself why are you with her, you say you don't love her, is it because of habit, or afraid that you will end up alone. You can not live the rest of your life with some one you don't trust or love.

Don't you see what this is doing to you, the mental stress, anger is a very powerful thing, you may say or do things you will later regret..

IS IT WORTH IT OR IS SHE WORTH IT!!!! this is what you need to ask yourself..I believe the answer is already in your head...and I truly believe you need to get away as far as possible from this woman...unless you truly do love her then if so...CAN YOU AFFORD TO SEEK RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING...



Have you tried to talk to her calmly, explaining how this is effecting you...

Enhancing communication
Good communication requires many skills. Some basic ideas to get you started are:

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Remove all distractions, such as television or radio noise, and arrange a time to talk that suits you both.
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Avoid interrupting your partner. If you are unsure or upset by what has been said, summarise back what you have heard and check for accuracy before replying.
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Avoid labelling your partner. Focus on behaviour rather than the person. Personal attacks are unlikely to improve the situation, where as identifying specific behaviours opens up opportunities for change. Also, try to speak in encouraging and positive ways, so that you are showing support rather than putting your partner down.
*
Talk about the good aspects of the relationship, as well as the problems.

the below links can be helpful especially the forum..

http://www.consciousloving.com/forums/

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/MentalHealth/archive/Relationship_Problems1.html

I wish you all the best...and please if you want to talk to someone email me anytime..I may not have the advice you need to hear but I am here for you.

Answer 7

I would put dating on hold and prove to yourself that you are more then an angry person. Keep saying to yourself "this too shall pass" but use the time wisely.

Work on your self. Make you self a better stronger, healthier, less angry person, by taking care of yourself you will be able to attract and mantain a healthy relationship. Look for ways to do good in the world. What good is life if you need to live it being verbally violent and then not talking for months? You were made to do better things and live a better life then what you have described.

The idea of a relationship with her outweighs the reality of it. You are not getting much out of the relationship - you can find peace with yourself and be happy

Answer 8

Dude you have issues that go a lot deeper then she could ever be the cause of.
she is not the cause of your anger issues she however gets to feel the results. this isn't fair to her at all.
If she was the cause of your anger issues you would have totally pushed her out of your life.
because she isn't the cause and not strong enough to say no more you have the perfect situation going. you have a real live flesh and blood being to vent your anger on. and you know no matter what you say she will stick around.
what happens when you verbal anger no longer satisfies the rage you feel. then does it become physical.
you need to get away from her and seek out some serious help
before you end up killing someone

Answer 9

i have been married 37 years abd have three well adjusted kids and have no formal education but all my kids are from dr's to pharmacists to a stock broker. I must know somthing...{your anger ] that you are fostering does not belong to any one but you. you are the one who is refusing to deal with it. Sounds like you need to take a course in human relations at a college or most towns or counties have mental health depts that deal with problems like yours

Answer 10

Okay...the issues you're having problems with are about YOU! She dated some guy...according to her they were just friends and it was nothing serious. If you want to maintain any relationship with her you have to, absolutely HAVE TO, take what she says at face value. Relationships are trust...trust what she says and dont question that. And after your done with that....go to a psychotherapist quickly. You're anger could escalate into physical instead of emotional abuse and if you truly care about her you'll deal with it the right way.

Good Luck!!