To tell or not to tell after an affair, that is the question?

Question

I had an affair, it ended a month ago except in my mind where it still 'stirs'. Now the question is, do I tell my wife? If I do tell, I may be out on the street before the sun rises tomorrow and may never get to 'come home again'. If I don't tell, I will be guilt ridden for the rest of my days which does not thrill me. I am not proud of my affair as such and if ignorance was 'bliss' in this case, I'd go back to before it started and channel my energy elsewhere but, alas, no can do. On the other hand, the 'affair' was 'wonderful' in it's own way, but it is no longer though the heartache continues of it ending. If I do tell my wife she will probably not trust me 'til the end of time which I couldn't blame her. If I don't tell her, I will be able to continue 'as is', as I have this last month, putting energy back into our marriage and work at it becoming many levels above being worthwhile. Should I tell her, yes, why? no, why not?

Answer 1

OOOOOOOH, no, no no, don't tell her. Your question begs for some serious answers, and I don't answer joke questions. So, listen carefully, hon.
You made a mistake, a serious one. If you tell her, that would be your second mistake. What is she supposed to do??? tell you it is okay, hug you, kiss you, and make it all better??? Uh, no. There is an old saying, "Once a cheater....." and this is all she will ever remember.... the trust will be gone...... Marriage is Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust. You have betrayed her sincere trust: You have shared your body and soul with another woman. This is the dealbreaker......THE ONLY dealbreaker in a marriage...... If she finds out, the admiration and respect will soon erode, and your marriage will be over. Those idiots who do have affairs,(you) and then go blab to clear their guilt, are in for some big surprises -- the first is that even with counseling, even with two years, trust is slow to come back, if ever. (When mine cheated, and I found out, it was instantly over, it was all I could do not to vomit in his face. I slept in the spare bedroom until the house was sold. I left, and moved to another state---There was no way I ever wanted the guy to touch me again -- the very thought made my skin crawl.) How could he do such a thing???? I know if I had had a gun in my hand at that moment, it would have been extremely difficult to not have shot him........ I adored him with every fiber of my being----How could he do that-----And how could you???

What do you do? Live with it hon. And become the kindest most romantic husband on this planet. If you need some counseling, get it, but shut the hell up, if you wish to remain married.

I don't know, but I was unwilling to stay to try to get any of it back.... it was easier to start over--- and hon, we had it all: $$$ (lots of it) cars, lovely house, lovely friends, power and respect in the community, great jobs, good investments, traveled all over the world, healthy, both physically attractive --- yadayadayada all of it hon, all of it .... gone in one instant.

Helpful??

Answer 2

Feeling guilty is a consequence of your actions. This you will have to live with and hopefully learn from.
Think about the following:
1) You may feel better by being truthful, & unloading your guilt, however, she then inherites the burden of your actions, and the trust you had together flys right out the window. Come on! Think about that.
2) Ask yourself, 'would telling her this information create any value between the two of us?' Obviously not!!
3) If there are children involved, keep your big mouth shut and live with the guilt. Move on and don't be a repeat offender.
4) If you want your marriage to work, give it the love and respect it deserves. You can do this!

Answer 3

Yes, tell her. Yes, it may well end your marriage. But, hiding the affair will mean that you are lying to your wife EVERY time you see her, say "I love you", kiss her good night, touch her, or cuddle up to her on a cold night. You've done a terrible thing. Don't make it even worse by letting the woman you swore to love and cherish be made a fool of. I know that I'd have to tell my wife, because I DO love her, and could never let her live in a "fool's paradise" I'd hope she'd forgive me, but I'd have to allow her to choose. And, if she gave me the chance, I'd spend the rest of my life TRYING to make her glad she gave me the chance. I could understand keeping silent if it a one time drunken mistake, but you had an affair. That means you deceived your wife on a continuing basis, with all the lies and excuses to keep her unaware of your games with the slutt. You speak of "working at becoming many levels above worthwhile." But, you can't build anyrthing on a foundation of lies and deception. There must be at least a few people who are aware of the affair. Your lover, her friends, people who saw you two together, motel workers, and who knows who else. You MIGHT get away with not telling, but she MAY find out from somebody. If she finds out, she'll be even more hurt and angry. Do you want to base your future on luck? Or on truth? You say you are thinking of your wife, but I believe you simply want to be able to have had your fling, and not face any consequences. That is fine for a six year old, but it's a lousy way to run a marriage.

Answer 4

This is a good question. If there's no chance the woman from the affair is going to come back into your life, and the only way that your wife would find out is if you told her, then keep it to yourself. It would be selfish to tell her and hurt her, just to alleviate your own guilt. Put some extra energy into your wife and your marriage and as time goes on, the guilt will diminish - it will always be there, but it won't always be as prominent as it is now.

Answer 5

All I can tell you is what I experienced.

My husband and I separated for a couple of months a two years ago. Within a short time he was seeing another woman socially. All I really know for a fact (other people knew, he didn't just tell me) is that they spent some time together and talked on the phone. I asked him over and over if anything happened between them and he always swore no. I finally thought about it and realized I didn't really want to know. It has taken these two years for me to get over the pain of knowing he was interested and the suspicion of what may have occurred. I trust him and don't think he'd cheat on me but was worried about the "separated loophole". If I found out he did sleep with her or even kiss her I would be devastated and I don't know that I'd ever really get over it.

Your wife deserves fidelity and respect. If it was only a one time thing, let it be. If you will continue to cheat, come clean and let her decide if she wants you.

Answer 6

Speaking from experience, YES you should tell your wife. Be a man, own it, tell her and put that demon to rest. Unless you talk to her and tell her, that other person, even though the affair is over, will always be between you. You made the choice to lay down with another person, so you will have to accept the consequences, whatever they may be. You do have a better chance of working things out with her if you fess up compared to her finding out, which she may even though you say it's 'over'.

My husband cheated, it was over 2 months when I found out. I would have looked at him as more of a man with integrity and respect for me if he had come clean. Had he come to me before he murdered our marriage instead of thinking with his little 'head', we might have been able to work on our marriage as a team. Instead, he chose to break his vows. I don't know if I will ever look at him the same. Ever.

Answer 7

Well for one if you had an affair make sure you used protection, if not and the girl gave you something, your wife will know you had an affair when the dr. tells her she has an STD. But to make sure you go to the dr. and get yourself checked out, and if it turns up that you have one, I would definialy tell the wife. But if you don't it depends on your conscience. Because what will happen when you go to the store and you she the other girl and she talks to you, What are you going to tell the wife. If it was me, I would tell her the truth and wait for my punishment. And begin begging for forgiveness. Also even if she doesn't trust you so what at least your with your wife. SO be a man and tell her.

Answer 8

ask god for forgiveness, and promise not to do it again, and he will forgive u, and u wn't have to carry the guilt. don't tell your wife if u value her, and still love her. as if u do your marriage will never be the same, she will never again be able to look at u the way she does now. just focus on your wife, and your marriage, and be the best husband u can be, make it up to her. you need not tell her and hurt her, as it could destroy your marriage, and u will never have any peace if u share it with her. she thinks of u as someone who loves her, and if she finds out you loved another she will not be able to trust it anymore, and it will do damage. usually it is right to be truthful, but on this you can't. all u can do is from this point on change your ways, and stop being a man of low character and no intregety.

Answer 9

Logic says don't tell; it can only make the relationship worse, there's no concrete reason to tell, I'm assuming it's unlikely she'll find out on her own, the guilt will almost definitely subside in time and it's unclear whether telling her would remove the guilt or make you feel better you might just end up on the street still guilt-stricken.

Emotion says tell; it just feels wrong.

So it's on you, are you going to be a logical or emotional person? Are you going to act like a robot or a wimp?

Don't tell.

Answer 10

No. coz it might end your marriage, but U should promiss Ur self that its the first & the last time. Try to get use of the guilty feeling that U have by being more close to your wife & love her more so you'll not cheat on her again, But don't tell her this is an advice, she will never trut U again + U'll end your marriage.