The moon rises
shining stars fill the sky
lights in darkness
but all I have is
tears of sadness.
Your words go out
like daggers breaking
into my heart.
My soul is bleeding
I see you leaving
fading away with
the shadows of the trees
Oh Moon, light
my soul like you
light the night sky.
Oh Wind, take away
the pain I feel.
Before I fall into
the darkness of
the shadows.
I don't really think it's good and i don't like it that much.
What do you think?? Any suggestions??
Thank You
2006-12-05 12:06:56 · 16 answers · asked by Josh 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
if you didn't think it was good you wouldn't have posted it....you just want compliments....which is cool....no biggie...i do it too! lol
i like it....it could use better phrasing....but otherwise...the message is clear....good job bud!
2006-12-05 12:08:50 · answer #1 · answered by ♥♣♠Dragon Dust♠♣♥ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's something you really mean. Or not. It's just like if there was something missing. Maybe if you found it, it would be even deeper. I know it's hard sometimes to express everything in words. But, if you really try, you could get it out of your chest. Say what you ENTIRELY mean to say. Don't hold back. That's better.
But the poem is really good, the words you use are precise. It's just that you talk too much about shadows, maybe by 'shadow' you mean sadness or anger, i don't know; but sometimes, it's better when you say it directly, it has much more feelings.
2006-12-05 22:10:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a writer and write poetry too. This is what I have learned about it. It is an expression of something in your soul. I don't like everything I write either but what I understand is that when I write it I feel good. Stop trying to critique your writing and just enjoy doing it! Everyone will have a different opinion, but yours is the only one that matters.
Writing is something that you get better at the more you do it.
This is especially true of poetry.
2006-12-05 20:29:54 · answer #3 · answered by alicesarbonne 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What makes a poem great? When it exists beyond the poet with a longevity and path no longer controlled by the creator. My 8th grade poem has never been seen by anyone but my teacher. It is not good. This one... you have already given this one life and it may go on without you!
2006-12-05 20:19:04 · answer #4 · answered by Mere Exposure 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem is beautiful and I think you can extend it a little more by expressing all your feelings. This poem really does seem to come straight away from your heart but isn't there something you really want to say to somebody, to all the people who have fallen in love before? Is there a message or hope that you want to convey?
2006-12-05 20:08:20 · answer #5 · answered by miss_magic047 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well...i do understand dat this poem is written in utmost sadness.........It is coherent and meaningful but i think the lines r too short......try adding a few more lines n make dem a bit longer....den it would b PERFECT!!!!!.....all the same it was great job 4 d first time....keep posting more of em...i like it
2006-12-05 20:11:41 · answer #6 · answered by sunshine gal 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
in your few words, you expressed a lot of your feelings and i think if you extended it a little more then that would do the trick. the end to me does not have the right ring to it. but then that is just me and i am not a writer.
2006-12-05 20:15:57 · answer #7 · answered by goof ball 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow that's really good. Keep up the good work!!
2006-12-05 20:15:24 · answer #8 · answered by blahblahblahblahblah 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your on the right track keep on!
2006-12-05 20:08:48 · answer #9 · answered by GW 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
maybe you could try tying the moon cycle in with it
2006-12-05 20:09:31 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋