Should I marry her?

Question

We've been together over 3 years and it's been pretty great. I love her, I am totally comfortable around her, she makes me laugh, she's talkative (which I love as I'm fairly quiet), we're neat and tidy, good with money and communication is really good.

But the time has come where I want to either propose or leave in fairness to us both. We're both in our late 20's.

I have 3 things that are holding me back from proposing.

1. We have a large intellectual gap. I have a large intellectual curiosity and she has none. Not sure what role that will play in future as I haven't gone to school yet and haven't really experienced any relationships that I would call intellectually stimulating to compare against.

2. We share no major hobbies or interests. She loves to travel, I don't. I love sports and games, she doesn't. etc.

3. We aren't sexually attracted to each other. We are affectionate (hugging, being sweet) but only find the other person attractive, not sexually attractive.

Thx.

Answer 1

There is a book that you MUST buy:

"Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship" by Mira Kirshenbaum

It's really written for relationships in trouble, but don't let that put you off. It's VERY relevant to your situation. Chapter by chapter, it goes through the factors that make a successful relationship and the factors that break them up. It's very easy to follow and thought-provoking.

Personally, I think a great friendship is an excellent foundation for marriage. If neither of you has a high sex drive, then the lack of sexual attraction may never bother you. And anyone will tell you that communication is the single most important thing in any relationship, so that's a good sign too.

Lack of interests in common - that may or may not matter. Different people have different expectations in a relationship.

For instance, my idea of a successful relationship is one where the two partners spend most of their time together. If I'm in a relationship with someone who wants a lot of space to pursue separate interests, then I feel uncomfortable and will eventually break it off.

On the other hand, I have several friends who hardly see their husbands on weekends, and who even go on holidays by themselves. They see a relationship as a "home base": they don't have to do things together, so long as they know they have each other to come back to. People like this feel smothered if they're in a relationship with someone like me!

So you need to assess your and her attitudes to relationships to know whether the lack of common interests will become an issue. If you are both "home base" type people, then you'll be happy. If one of you expects constant togetherness, you'll hit trouble eventually.

I'm more concerned about the "intellectual gap". If the gloss starts to wear off the relationship, it's all too easy to go from thinking "we have an intellectual gap" to thinking "she's stupid". When you start having contempt for your partner, it's an absolute guarantee that the relationship won't survive. So you need to take a close look at what your reaction truly is.

Answer 2

It sure sounds like you feel you have some major obstacles to a happy marriage. Lets take them one at a time. The intellectual gap is something that might be insurmountable or maybe just a minor inconvience for you.This one could chance either way over time. Intelligence is nice but shouldn't be a deal breaker if she's the comic relief in the relationship. Most of the time people who are funny and have common sense are not that into the intellect. Girls just like to have fun...lol It might make life quite pleasant for years to come.

The hobby thing, is of more interest to the mature women. It may not show up for her until her later years. Let her go travel while you do your hobbies, sports and games. It's about give and take. That's what most relationships require to work well.

But this last area, in my opinion might be a major problem. Sexual attractiveness is really important. Not necessarily the sex, but the attraction has to be there to stir the pot so to speak. What about her did you fall in love with? Her laugh? That can be sexually attractive. Her willingness to compromise? That can be sexually attractive. Her interest in travel says she's not afraid to learn new things about new places. So, that means she wants to be interesting. That's sexually attractive. Perhaps, you're not really clear about what consitutes sexuality. Could that be true? How do you define what is attractive and what is sexually attractive? What is the difference, really between the two? What is not attractive about her can change over time; and that same thing is true of how she views you. People change. Life changes people. You have been together for three years; and that alone should tell you something very positive.
Finally, it sounds like you're giving it the right amount of thought. So, if you don't have to don't rush into anything; don't.

Answer 3

well at the beginning of reading I thought yes and then the more I read I thought no! I don't know you or your relationship so I will just tell you what I would feel. The person you should marry should make you want to be a better person, along with being very compatable and excites you. What you sound like you have is a best friend. While this can make for a great and stable marriage, I think that if it's sort of boring now...you're setting up for disappointment. However, be careful on the cons of your relationship because some of those could be good things. I think that if she is too intellectual that you would argue about who's right, who's smarter etc. There are places for intellect like at work for example. While it's nice to have someone that picks your brain, it might create more harmony that she doesn't try and compete. Just a thought. Anyway, it sounds like you should keep looking and don't settle for security and comfort. Plus, untimately if you have to ask the quesion should i...the answer is no because if you did you would feel it. Good luck!!!!

Answer 4

Be fair to both of you and leave. Sounds like overall you don't have much in common and that just wont cut it in a marriage. Relationships should never be based on sex, but sex is a very important part of a relationship, as is conversation. If the conversation doesn't appeal to you due to the lack of intellect, just imagine how many silent meals you will have together. People don't need to have everything in common (that would be boring) but somethings in common and the ability to grow and adapt together is huge. Many people go into marriages thinking that it will be easy---NO IT WILL NOT. Being married is the hardest thing you will ever do in your entire life and you will have to work at it every day, not all fun and games (sometime though). So ask yourself: Am I ready to do the hardest thing I have ever done in my life? That may be saying goodbye to a very big part of your life or saying hello to your future. Good luck.

Answer 5

Three years, and no shivers? You think shes not bright enough for you, and you aren't sure how bright you are? Not having been challenged that is.
You wouldn't be the first couple to take separate vacations and she goes shopping while you watch the game, so that's sort of a so what.
If both of you have the same sex drive, that is, low, and it must be for you to spend 3 years without sexual attraction playing a large part in what draws you together, then it could be a good if unconventional marriage.
If one of you wants more, than its nothing but trouble and only you know that for sure.

Answer 6

I think you're second sentence tells an interesting story, "I am totally comfortable around her". What you need to do is determine if that is the reason you are staying in the relationship. I think by asking the question in the first place, you are looking for confirmation from others. Not a good sign.

You don't want to marry someone who doesn't make your heart pound or your knees weak. Don't live your life with just being satisfied or going through the motions. You need (and want to marry) someone that makes you feel alive.

Otherwise, your short changing yourself and your girlfriend of true love and romance.

Answer 7

Please reconsider this for you and your girlfriend. I am getting a divorce for these very reasons. Sex must be mutually satisfying. My husband and I had no hobbies in common. These differences only get bigger and bigger as time goes on. Do each other a favor, let go and find someone that you have much more in common with. You will be sorry if you carry this out. Forever is a long time. When you are not totally satisfied sexually, sometimes you stray. Talk to her and tell her the truth. Good luck to you both.

Answer 8

Sounds more like a good friendship than a relationship. Your relationship is lacking the important things that make a marriage successful. I think you should move on. Dont feel obliged to marry her just because you have been together 3 years.

Answer 9

If you don't find each other sexually attractive, sex will suck once you get married IF there is any at all. Maybe its time you met more women, not necessarily to compare but to make sure this is the person you want to marry.

Good luck

Answer 10

No, if you are not sexually attracted to her that says everything in the relationship, and even though she makes you laugh and stuff you guys don’t shear anything in common. I think you are just used to her since it’s been over 3 years.