control freak....this is kind of long so i have to put the rest in additional details?

Question

lately i've come to find i feel very empty. like everything i do has no meaning. i've come so far in life but i feel like i'm getting nowhere right now. like i'm just spinning my wheels. i've realized i don't really care for the person i am. the front that everyone sees. no one knows the real me. i've always been the down to earth, crazy, rockstar party girl. and i hate every second of it. i don't want to be the life of the party. i don't want to be the one who is always upbeat and happy. it's not me. i'm not always happy. and for a while i fooled even myself into thinking i was happy. (damn i'm good hah) but something will always eventually remind me that i'm a ******* mess and that what i'm doing is not making me happy, but merely dulling the pain for a moment.

the good thing is i don't have a gun to shoot myself. lol. that was a joke. i'm not suicidal. just empty and lonely. i have the same routine everyday...be spontaineous. and i want a routine that people will be like what did you do today the same thing you did yesterday. and i'll just be like yup. i love be adventurous but i want some familiarity in my life for once.

i tend to be a major control freak. not with other people but with my own life. i hate not being in control of what's going to happen. i hate not knowing. it makes me insane and insecure. and i don't deal with it very well. i know you can't control everything but i'm so stuck on that i can, when i see i have no control i loose it. i become an emotional mess and all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. ugh.....

i'm at a loss right now. stuck between passion and fear. not sure where life is going to take me at this particular time and if i'll agree with it or be able to deal with it. i hate not being strong. i hate being confused. what's going to happen next?

let me tell a little about myself to clear some things up. i just turned 20 2 weeks ago. i'm a mortgage broker and an equestrian. i ride 7 days a week and take 4 lessons a week. i'm leaving in feb for germany for a year to a world renouned private barn where i get to train with olympic gold medalists. when i get back i plan on working to be a part of the US olympic team. i have my own car, cell, and 2 credit cards.
as you can see i've accomplished alot for my age but i still feel empty and that i have nothing to show.

also i recently broke up with my ex fiancee in july. not in love with him anymore. glad it ended.

Answer 1

And.....BREATHE!

Whilst it's great to have some order and security in life it's also brilliant to not know exactly what is around the corner, it's what makes life exciting!

The trick is to find the right balance between the two. Too much routine can leave you feeling stuck in a rut and completely stifled. Too little and your life will descend into a chaos of disorganisation and stress.

Start at the top. Are you happy with where you live? If not, move!
Is your job dragging you down? Find a new one! Stuck with the same old friends that expect too much and give too little? Branch out your circle a bit more, get a new hobby, visit new places, enjoy getting to know new people.

You've done the whole party scene and are obviously bored of it now - that's completely natural, you can't expect to remain the same person for the rest of your life, people change and grow and move on to different things.

Push the boundaries, get out of your comfort zone and try new and exciting things - it will hopefully give you a new zest for life. The world is a big and exciting place to live, open your mind and grasp all of the wonderful opportunities and experiences it has to offer.

Don't forget that change is good for the soul, anything that doesn't change stagnates and a stagnant life is one half lived.

*EDIT* wow, you should be really proud of what you have already achieved! Getting to travel to Germany for a year? How exciting! Maybe that's exactly what you need and perhaps the change of scenery and getting the opportunity to do something you love will be just the ticket to give you a boost and refresh your take on life? Hang on in there and see if you still feel the same when you are in this different environment - if you do, then I would suggest visiting a doctor - you may be depressed, that's the only thing I can think of that would make you so dissatisfied with your life, when in reality everything seems positive.

Answer 2

I hope you feel better now, having unloaded that. But you haven't really asked a specific question. No-one knows what's going to happen next. Are you studying? Do you take drugs to make you happy? Do you have a dead end job? Are you going through a relationship breakdown at the moment?
You say you are a (self) control freak, but your control seems to extend only into the short term future (partying, happiness, etc). What you need to do is make definite long term plans which see a change in lifestyle with which you will be more comfortable. Write down your 5 year goals such as children, university, job prospects (I don't know your age, so these may be unrealistic, but you get the idea). Discuss your 5 year goal with someone else, such as a counselor, and then, with this in mind, set shorter term goals to acheive it. This is where your so-called control freak side can be a strength - for change, rather than for entrapment. Decide to change, and make it the most important thing in your life. Make Controlled Flexibility your mantra.
Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like you need to connect with GOD. As a christian, I get lonely when I try to tread my own path in life. But as soon as I reconnect with GOD I am at ease again. The problem is you were made to serve Him and you are not doing that so you feel empty. He has a purpose for your life that can only be revealed when you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and svior. Find a good bible teaching bible believing church and jump in head first. I promise you won't fall, he son't let you. If He did, how could He use you to help others just like you. He needs you to feel this way so that He can save you from yourself. Let Him.