Break up after 5 years. I know we aren't going to get back together (again), but how do I stop hurting?

Question

This is the third time we've broken up (last time was 2.5 years ago for 6 months), and I can admit that we aren't getting back together this time. I can also admit, that he wasn't there for me as much as I needed him. I was never unhappy in the relationship and still love him dearly, but I still know I needed more. He still loves me, but we both know that sometimes love just isn't enough. IWe won't be able to be friends, and the idea of him not being a part of my life anymore leaves me shaking. I'm scared of starting over, and my heart hurts so badly. This was sprung on me out of the blue and so much trust was broken. When we got back together the last time there were promises that it would never happen again, and that he knew I was "the one." Keep in mind we were only 20 and 21, still in school, not ready to get married, and the idea of one of those four year engagements seemed pointless. I really want to stop hurting, but I don't know where to start the healing process.

Answer 1

I don't answer many of these, but you are sort of begging for an outline on what to do now....

I don't know about you hon, but I believe evolutionarily we are meant to be paired with someone of the opposite sex.... it's nature, it's just natural. And I too, could never see myself independent, alone.... So when someone tells someone in your place to get busy with your girlfriends, do things by yourself, join groups,( or for christ sake, pray!!!! how stupid is that....) it feels hollow. It is difficult to accept that something is over -- but things do indeed wear out -- cars, tires, teeth, and yup, relationships and marriages. I won't try to one-up you on what happened to me, but my advise is to find someone else, or to at least begin the process. I am assuming you are now out of school, and in a job. In your place, I'd get into the internet, and join some dating services with a personal ad. But let me give you a few hints: First, if you don't have a killer smile, you will absolutely, and positively have to do that. Beautiful teeth radiate health, and healthy is sexy. So, if your smile can't burn down a room, hon, get it with the best cosmetic dentist in your area..... Yup, it will cost you some big buckos -- do it.... If you need to loose some weight, do it. Get some great outfits, have some great photos taken with that killer smile, and put up a personal ad on Yahoo, Match.com or both.... Itsjustlunch.com is another....Read what other women say about themselves.... if you don't know how to best describe yourself, have a friend help you... Yahoo and Match.com are the biggest ones... try e-Harmony, too. At about $20per month, cheap. I put up an ad before he was even out of the house after our relationship (an 18 year marriage -- he cheated) was over. My ad was up before we even filed. (It WAS over, I WAS leaving, it was NOT fixable...) I met lovely men, and a few nut cases too... some wanted to see me, some I wanted to see again...some looked great "on paper, but in reality, uh, no..... It took about a year and a half, and I was learning all the way. There were inappropriate matches ------ (what would a person with a master's have in common with a hs dropout who thought my long hair would look good on his Harley??)
And I got sick of it too, but, I love being paired too much....And I did meet a lovely guy -- his 30 year marriage had been over for 3 years, and by this time I have been un-partnered for about two.... and he too was trying to find an appropriate lady. A friend finally convinced him to put up an ad on Yahoo... We met... It has been perfect.... we have been together 1 1/2 years, and it is lovely to be in love again. At this point, we have no reason to marry -- we are past the child bearing stuff....but we may want to live together...we have that to figure out.. You can do this, hon. the healing process starts by dating, and finding someone else.... be selective, so you aren't disappointed...
Helpful? Need more? write... I will certainly answer you....

Answer 2

Youve actually figured out the first step toward healing; realizing its over. Now you will start to figure on where you want to go from here. This will not be easy so dont think it will be. The pain is actually part of the healing process otherwise you never loved him as much as you thought. This is normal and in time the pain will subside more and more each day. This is what usually happens when very young couples marry before they are really ready to settle down and get married for life, but never really do think about the hardships of marriage. No ones fault here, it just happens. The sooner you come up with a plan on where to go from here,the sooner the pain disappears. Just learn from this experience and move on. Love will return someday when youre ready again. Good luck

Answer 3

First of all, so sorry to hear about your situation... Secondly, it will get easier. Right now, you need to focus on you. If you have kids, take time to reassure them that this has nothing to do with them, and that you will work together to find them as near a normal life as is possible. Whenever you aren't with the kids though, spend some time connecting with yourself. Most people who marry young feel that they lose their identity. It sounds like you are there. Stop seeing yourself as half of a pair, and figure out who you are as you. Get a "Starting Over Journal" (any pretty journal or notebook will do), and record everything you can.... Write what you want out of life, what you can do better alone, how finances can improve, and if you intend to marry again later, start a list of what you do and don't want in a spouse. DO NOT settle out of lonliness. Wait to remarry until you find someone that meets all your criteria. Pamper yourself, too. Get a pedicure and some new shoes. As you are probably feeling unlovable, go get yourself a new outfit that makes you feel radiant and beautiful!! You will make it through this, and most likely be better off in the end. It will just take time and adjustments... Good luck!!!!!!! ♥

Answer 4

the pain u are felling now is necessary in order for u to get past this, only time and distance will diminish your pain. no love isn't enough sometimes, when we get betrayed. yes it does hurt, just means u are human and loved him. just because we split up with someone doesn't mean we can just stop loving that person who has been part of our lives. u are still very young, and will meet someone else, who will be a better husband than he has been. would u want to keep going through this pain for more years, or would u rather just get it over with now. he was not there for u, and would have left anyway down the road. yes it is scarey to think of starting over, but that's exacly what u must do. yes the heart will hurt, it is a process we go through, that we wish would be brief and swift, but it rerely happens like that. promises don't mean a thing, without action to back them up. in years to come u will look at this and be glad u decided to move on and get rid of the problem, while u were still young.

Answer 5

Start by turning to your friends and family for comfort. It will help you greatly to have people you trust support you through this. Try to get distracted, keep yourself busy; it takes an effort to keep going sometimes, but try to find something that takes up your attention - a new hobby, some form of exercise, a good book - anything that can take your mind off of the current situation. It will be painful for a while, but as time passes, it will get better. You're still very young, and have a lot of time to go out and look for a person you can love and trust. Experiences like these bring us wisdom that enables us to make better choices in the future. Good luck.

Answer 6

Time is the only thing that will cure what ails you. In the interim, put the energy you spent on your relationship into things that benefit you. Renew old friendships, workout, read. Do things that you like to do but didn't do while your were with your boyfriend. We all give up things we like to be in a relationship and if you reconnect with those past indulgences it can be very liberating. Hold on to the experiences and lessons that your relationship has taught you and find something to replace the negativity of the emotional pain. If you use this as a learning experience you will be a stronger person for it in the long run!

Answer 7

its not easy..i have loved my wife for 19 years , would do anything for her, i mean anything..we have a son..after 19 years she walked out ,its been two months now and i still hurt inside.
but i have found out that if two people really love each other nothing else matters as things will work out for you.my wife never loved me, and she even told me that to my face,you want to talk hurt have the one that you love tell you she never loved you in all these years..

there is no magic trick to make the pain go away, but it will.
i have met someone else now and i really like this person, which helps me deal with my wife leaving me,but the hurt is still there,
i still love my wife..but this new girl is making it easier and easier to forget the past.
i hope this helped you , all i can say it that you need to keep busy and meet someone else but ill tell ya the pain never goes away.
it will ease up some , but the memories that you have will not go away .

if you need a friend to talk to send me a email

[e-mail]
Bob

Answer 8

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am going through the same thing and i dont think it gets easier with time we have a 19 mth old son together so he will continue to be in my life. The way i see it is everyone comes in your life for a reason and u never know why.

Answer 9

Healing takes time...and a lot of it. With my first real love it took over ten years. During that 10 year period, I discarded anything and everything that even remotely reminded me of her. Even after I had taken these concrete steps, she occasionally haunted my dreams.

I was finally able to rid myself of her after we met again ten years later and realized I was in love with a fantasy and not a real person.

Good luck...I have felt ur pain, stick it out, it will get better albeit very slowly

Answer 10

Friends and family help alot then look for activities like joining a club or even donating your time like at the children's hospital help someone else feel good and you will feel good too. Also go to a Senior citizens home and just talk to them some are very lonely when you help someone you help yourself.......