Can you offer some ideas on how to make this better?

Question

My wife lost her brother four days after Christmas, this year will be three years. It was her only brother, and she has no sister's. Then four days later we received a call at 6am telling us her best friend had died. She hasn't been quite the same since. On top of that she was in an accident where an uninsured motorist pulled out into three lanes of traffic, blocking the lane she was in, and the impact was like actually hitting a brick wall. Add to that a bad doctor, and now she has constant pain. She raised four kids while working two jobs in the past, and still made all of the games, and helped with everyone's homework. But now she can't do what she used to, and it bothers her greatly. And she is missing her loved ones, her brother, and best friend, and she cries a lot. Most of the time silently as if not to bother anyone. I want to help, so bad, but I do not know what to do. I mean I have tried lots of things, but I am open to any new ideas. Thanks, and God bless.

Answer 1

First of all you and your wife have my sympathy and condolences. I understand somewhat because I had a similar situation, not exactly the same but close enough. I lost my only child, my relationship broke down, I was made redundant from my job and then my best friend of 23 years was killed in an accident all in the space of 2 years.
Often until they experience it people don't realise the physical impact of grief. I quite simply had the stuffing knocked out of me and felt truly exhausted. When I lost my son I couldn't even make a cup of tea or think straight - looking back now I lost my mind for a while. If your wife is injured on top of that she must be feeling truly terrible. Thank God she has such a caring partner in you. The first practical thing you can do is change her doctor. Find one who will treat her properly. It sounds like she has suffered whiplash which is incredibly painful on it's own. She may need appropriate pain relief and/or physiotherapy to ease that pain. Having freedom from that might help to give her more energy to cope with her bereavements.
Some people recommend antidepressants when things are prolonged but grief is a natural process so in most cases however devestating we do eventually start to heal - though I will be honest and say I will never be the person I was before. There again everyone changes and often the most when life seems to chuck stuff at us. Continue to be supportive. Even if it feels you are getting nowhere. I don't know if I would have survived without the love and care of my family and friends.
It sometimes helps to talk to others who have been in the same position. There are loads of links to be found here for advice and contacts
http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Grief,_Loss_and_Bereavement/Support_Groups/
Don't be afraid to talk to her or to listen if she wants to talk about them and remember to get her out in the fresh air for walks and exercise. It really helps. Remind her she is allowed to have fun, that the people she misses so much want her to be happy just as she was when they were still around.
I really wish you all the best.

Answer 2

Some churches have grief recovery groups that can help with the grief from losing her loved ones, but she is also depressed about changes in her life that she has no control over. When your life takes a dive and you are not in control over what has happened to you it can be devistating. She needs to get some control back, one way or another. A therapist may help with the depression, there are many medications available, other than that, time is the only healer. Look for things she CAN do. I had back pain and was being told that surgery might be needed, I started taking yoga and eventually was able to quit going to the doctor and stop pain medication completely, yoga is great for building strength, getting flexible, calming your mind through meditation, and dealing with life. Get her to try yoga, she may need to modify the exercises at first, but it will help.