my wife cheated on me - should i get divorced?

Question

my wife of 3 years kissed another man and secretly planned to keep seeing him even after i found out.

we're in marriage counseling and i'm confused on a day to day basis on how to feel.

can married couples overcome infidelity?

to complicate things - we have a wonderful daughter.

Answer 1

If you don't have any kids, divorce. If you do, continue with the counseling.

Answer 2

Yes couples can overcome infidelity. Main thing is to figure out why she cheated, what she felt was missing within your relationship and fix that. You also have to forgive her, which is something only YOU can work on, but you must be able to give her your trust back or you will both be miserable and should break it off. You both have to agree that you want to work on this marriage and that it will take priority over selfish things.
So she made a mistake. She hurt you. But maybe you've hurt her many times in different ways is why she was pushed to that point to turn to another man. Possibly she doesn't find you attractive anymore, why? Did you gain weight?
I think the first step is to realize you both are at fault to a degree. And that the only thing you can do now is work on YOU. And she can work on herself... marriage counseling is a good first step. Just remain calm and civil, don't belittle or degrade her for her actions... she should naturally feel bad, you don't need to put more on there... focus on yourself and how you feel and what you did or didn't do. Good luck.

Answer 3

Yes they can, but only if the both of you are willing. There are many cases where a wife/husband cheats and their marriage becomes even stronger after counselling. Maybe if you concentrated on what the counsellor and your wife were saying you could get into it more. You seem consumed with the fact she kissed a man and made plans to keep on seeing him. Whilever that is the only thing in your head, counselling is going to be of no use. You need to find out the reason why she felt the need to keep on seeing this man...and you need to find that out from her lips under the guidance of the counsellor. You have to pay attention to whatever she says and believe it. You dont have to agree with the reasons your wife had for doing what she did, you just have to believe what is coming out of her mouth. Maybe when you start doing that you can work on the problems seriously. There has got to be problems because you are both going to a counsellor. Its the problems you need to be concentrating on, not the fact she kissed someone else....that is irrelevant, its the reason she felt she wanted to kiss him is what is important. If she felt she was being taken for granted by you.....believe it. If she felt you have been neglecting her....believe it. If she says you dont excite her anymore....believe it. She is telling you the reasons why she felt she wanted this man. If you can sit on your pride for a little while and start to see things from her perspective, then you will be in a far better position to work out what you can do to make the situation better. She has to be willing to work at it too....Its called compromise and with every successful marriage compromise is one of the most important things a couple have to accept. If you can put aside the fact that she wanted this other man and concentrate on the problems that are withing your marriage, then you wont be as confused....it will show you the bigger picture, that is, if you are really prepared to listen. Remember whatever comes out of her mouth in a counselling session is usually how she is feeling and whether or not you agree with it doesnt matter...its how she feels. Only when you believe it, can ant\ything be resolved. You will get your turn to talk honestly about your feelings and she has to give you the same respect. She has to believe your feelings for her to make compromises as well. Its a two-way street, and if you are both willing, then it all will work out.

I hope you can let go of what she did to enable you to get the best out of the counselling. There is life after infedility, and if you both can get through this, then your marriage will be a lot happier, healthier and stronger. You will both learn a lot about each other if you take this counselling seriously.

I wish you all the best and I hope it all works out for you.

Answer 4

If you love this woman and want to be with her you can get through this. Divorce is a sin! marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. Talk to your wife open up to her let her know what you are feeling. Find out what this other guy is doing or does that you apparently are not doing. Bring her breakfast in bed, surprise her with flowers, buy her an outfit and take her out. Tell her she is beautiful in the morning and make mad passionate LOVE to her not sex LOVE. Explore her body from top to bottom rub oil on her after you have drawn up a bath. She is getting something from him that you are failing to realize she needs trust me. Spice it up a little. If and when you forgive her do not throw it up in her face because it is now in the past. Learn to forgive and forget move on for the better.

Answer 5

This depends on your wife's attitude. If it's "well you don't pay enough attention...." whiny stuff, then you probably cannot work this out. If she realizes what a stupid thing she's done then maybe you can.
I know I probably could get over a kiss. But being stuck with the mental image of some guy banging her behind my back would be too much.
The fact that she planned to keep seeing him after you found out though is alarming. Not good. Careful.

Answer 6

Divorce depends on whether she is willing to stop the relationship or not. It already looks like she is not so sure about that. Married couple can and do overcome infidelity as long as the affair is stopped. You will want to take a look at why she felt lonely and work on her earning your trust back.

Answer 7

MAN I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I'm going to be honest with you. My girl did basically the same thing to me. She was secretly talking and visiting this guy while I was at work. I was working my *** off on weekend doubles and things of that nature. This was less than two weeks ago. When I presented her with the evidence she tried to lie in order to keep contact with the other guy. I am going through right now but the difference between you and me is I'm not even married. I am trying to give her another chance. I am so so hurt and overly decieved but you got to try man. You are married and you have a child. You talk to her and tell her everything you feel. You express to her that she has to work for YOU now. We as men give our everything for these women and we only know what they tell us they did. We really don't know if they did more. But you have to try. Especially for your daughters sake. Do what you can but give it time. If you get some time along, like months, and you still can't get pass it and she isn't doing EVERYTHING to try and make it right then **** HER cause she ****** YOU. Sorry if I sound a little bitter but this is still fresh in my HEART. I completely understand you though man. But at all cost try to avoid divorce. You tell her she better do everything or you are out of there. You let her know what she is doing to herself and her daughter and especially you. You do what you can but in the end you look out for you and your daughter. YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS YOU AS A FATHER MORE THAN ANYTHING. So do what you can for your relationship but you make sure you get custody if things have to end because she did wrong not you. So you should get everything and your daughter needs you. I hope I've helped man. One hurt man to another.

Answer 8

A marriage can survive anything and Lil bit of every thing if both parties want it bad enough. You can not make your wife be faithful. She has to want it! Want it for herself out of love for you and want it for the sake of her Marriage. If this does work then you won't forget what happened, but you have to forgive and that in it's self is a struggle. Good Luck!! I say do all you can do to save it if you can but if not it's OK if you get a divorce that just means you have a chance to get it right next time- Smilez

Answer 9

You should feel like you married a cheater.
Married couples can theoretically overcome but to take her back gives her unspoken consent to do it again.
I mean come on dude! Even after you found out she went behind your back to sneak some more from this guy.
No offence but get a clue and some self respect.
Plus are you...or is anyone big enough to truly forgive and ever trust that person again?

Answer 10

I thought I could when he cheated on me.

You have to make it work. If you really want it and so does she, and that is the key. If she doesn't let her go..

That means your soul mate is still out there.

But also be the best "X" you can be..Never get angry in front of your daughter about any of this. And if money is the issue, it always is, make sure to do the right thing by your daughter.

Answer 11

I'm sorry that this woman did this to you. I hope my wife never does the same to me, because I love her with all of my heart. But she also knows that I will definitely divorce her if she ever cheats on me. So if she ever does cheat on me, she will have already decided that our marriage should end. She also knows that cheating is the ONLY reason I would divorce her. She can burn the house down, physically abuse me, get hooked on crack, etc and she will still be my wife, as long as she doesn't cheat.