I'm a walking nervous wreck who needs help.?

Question

I'm 18 and I AM I dad, this is just an old name.

ANYWAY, my daughter is 5 months old and me and my girlfriend live in a spacious apartment in new york. I love my girlfriend Abby so much but I've been worried about her...

Ever since our daughter was born, she never recovered. She is constantly tired and is in bed all day, which means I'm up with the baby so its easier on her. Unfortunately doctors said the best thing is that our daughter stays away from her until she gets better. Now I am depriving her of her own daughter and it feels terrible.

My daughter doesn't sleep well either, so she sleeps on my chest on the couch as i give my girlfriend the entire bed.

I'm a nervous wreck worrying about her...
What should I do?

Answer 1

It's a big mistake to keep your daughter and your girlfriend apart - how are they supposed to bond? I can't believe that someone that is medically trained would give such poor advice! By doing this, it is more likely that your girlfriend now feels even more useless and worthless and isolated - especially as she is not involved in the care of her baby. She is probably left wondering what her role is exactly? You don't want to make the situation worse by making her resent all of the time you are spending with your daughter instead of her. On the other hand, don't force the baby onto your girlfriend, she is obviously not able to cope with the full demands of motherhood at the moment. You need to find the right balance between the two.

What help is your girlfriend getting? Is she on any medication? Receiving any counselling? Or was the advice just to leave her be and hope that she recovers on her own?!

The lethargy that you describe is a classic symptom of depression but it could also be that your girlfriend is anaemic - she should have a full medical exam to rule out any underlying illnesses.

You need to get your girlfriend some help, from someone who has a little more empathy and understanding than the previous Dr. The longer this situation is allowed to continue, the worse it is going to get. The fact that you don't even sleep in the same bed anymore needs addressing immediately. The baby is probably picking up on the stress and tension of the situation and is therefore more likely to be difficult to settle.

Establish a routine, after her last feed, give your daughter a bath at the same time each night and put her down in her cot awake. She might cry but if you can stand to do it, ignore her - it's the only way for her to learn to fall asleep on her own. Don't keep rushing in and picking her up, as long as she is safe and warm it is perfectly acceptable (if a little heartrending for you) to leave her to cry. If you're consistent, your daughter should soon get used to the routine.

Be there for your girlfriend, yes the baby needs you to care for her immediate needs but, in her present state, so does your girlfriend.

Is there anyone that can babysit for you so that you can spend some quality time alone with your partner? It's so important that she feels loved and wanted as the individual that she is as well as being a new mother. Take her to the salon, let her get a new haircut/colour, it's a small thing to do but it might give her confidence and self esteem a boost to have a new look. Take her out to dinner and make her feel like the most wonderful woman in the world, she needs to know that she's not just some unattractive lump and useless mother (which is probably how she feels at the moment)

It's a huge blow to any parent (but especially a mother) to not have an immediate bond with their child, it makes the person feel abnormal and alienated.

Letting your girlfriend spend every day in bed is not going to do her any good. She needs to be encouraged to get up, get dressed and get out of the apartment. She might be reluctant to do this (especially if this situation has been going on for five months) but it's all about taking little steps forward to getting her well again. If you can get her to get up and get dressed, consider that a move forward. Getting up, dressed and maybe putting on a little make-up is another step. Getting her up, dressed and out of the apartment will be another. Go for walks (with or without your daughter) the change of scenery and fresh air will do you all some good.

I feel that your girlfriend needs the most care at the moment, if you can get a trusted family member to help out with looking after the baby during the daytime, you can then shift your efforts into getting your girlfriend well again.

Also, let me take a moment to commend you for being such a caring father and partner, please make sure that your needs are also being addressed - you can't just keep soldiering on without any help or time off.

I hope I've been of some small help, if you want to discuss things further feel free to email me.

Answer 2

She needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP-it sounds like post-partum depression. She may need some short term anti depressant therapy. The situation that you are now in is intenable. You can't keep living like that--and neither can your girlfriend. So, before she hurts herself, you or the baby, take her in and have her evaluated! I am really surprised that her MD hasn't sent her. But sometimes DR's aren't concerned with anything other than physical ailments--ie: if there is no blood, or the bone isn't sticking out, you aren't hurt! Don't delay. You are going to fall out from not sleeping enough and then you won't be able to care for the baby either. Good luck.

Answer 3

It sounds like she is having post-partum depression. It can be serious and being that she is so young would have an affect too.

I'm not a doctor, but to keep the baby away from her entirely seems wrong. I would visit her with the baby... supervised in case she gets edgy and you can take the baby out then.

She should cuddle and play with the baby if she wants to as it will help her to bond. She also needs your love and attention to pull out of the depression. Have they suggested medications? If not... ask the doctor about it.

She isn't ready to care for the baby as in feeding, changing, etc. so don't ask her to..... until she offers. Let her work out of this thing at her own pace.

If she asks to see the baby.... let her.... but stay with her so the responsibility for the baby isn't too much for her.

You are obviously a loving, caring, young father. You need a too. See if friends and family can help you with the baby at times so you get a break. Take care of yourself too.

You can get through this.... and it's ok to ask for help when you need it.

God Bless,

Sue

Answer 4

My wife sufffered from PPD and needed to get medicated. The tiredness is a classic sign of depression. I wouldn't keep the baby from her as I doubt this helps her and I know it won't help the baby. Babies need all the attention you and she can give her. Also and most important for you is getting the baby off the couch. You need to develop good sleep habits for your daughter and she needs her own crib to sleep in. We learned the hard way the result of poor sleeping habits with our first born, at 4yrs she still wants to come sleep with us in the middle of the night. If you have another room to put the crib into, put her in it when she is ready for bed and leave the room. They need to learn how to sooth themselves to sleep or else they won't want to fall asleep without you. And get your gf a doctor who can treat her properly, dee down she doesn't want to stay in that bed all day anymore than you want her to.

Answer 5

why hasnt anyone here considered that the his girlfriend is physically ill? Why else would a doctor recommend a patient to stay away from their child? Where are your brains. what you need to do is just take care of your baby the best you can and im sure sitting in the same room as your gf wont harm the baby so that at least she can see her baby.

Answer 6

she should see a different doctor. it sounds like she has postpartum depression. she can be put on medication for a while to help her get thru it. lots of women suffer from it after giving birth. try and give her as much support as you can and it sounds like you are going a great job of taking care of the baby. ggod luck!!

Answer 7

sounds like post partum depression. get a 2nd opinion, PLEASE> keeping her away from your daughter is by no means helping the situation! there is medication and help for your gf. she won't get better if you just let her stay in bed all day away from the baby. it's hard, but she'll make it through. she needs you too!

Answer 8

I dont fully understand this how did she not completely heal up ...u are leaving out major details that could help u get a better answer to ur question.....if she had a c-section then thats differnt u need to specify how she didnt heal b/c I have had 2 and healed fine both times ...

Answer 9

you need to sort this out start by letting her do one feed a day for a wile and introduce things do them all together. also baby needs to sleep in her crib not on you you need her to start getting involved before you start losing it take care of your self please or who will baby have to look after her thinking of you let me know how things go xx