That was the summer I met him. The dried grass seemed to stretch off into eternity, as far as the eye could see, until its straw-coloured stalks hit a wash of distant purple. Everything smelt of creosote that summer, that first summer. And England seemed like a world of possibilities.
2006-12-05 07:48:27 · 10 answers · asked by lady_s_hazy 3 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
it is really good it makes you wonder what happened that summer and if you want you could even turn it into a novel
2006-12-05 07:53:19 · answer #1 · answered by twistedtexan 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Me, I'd start with the last line, which I liked, & go from there: "England seemed like a world of possibilities."
Maybe follow on to describe what you're leaving behind, what you're looking forward to, what was closed to you back there, as a new world in England opened up to you?
Well, I really would leave out the "smelt of creosote" or change it to a more popular fragrance. It sounds kind of "Everything smelt of creosote, so I went to England".
Those stalks? I'd think they could meet the purple, not hit it.
2006-12-05 12:39:58 · answer #2 · answered by WomanWhoReads 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A story should open with character, or plot. Yours does neither, but I still think it's interesting.
If I was you, I would make two editorial changes.
1) Remove...as far as the eye could see... All you're doing is repeating yourself. The first and last phrases within that sentence are enough to paint the picture. Remember, this is your opening to a story somebody might put down at any second. Don't waist the reader's time.
2) I would also edit out...that first summer...
For the exact same reason I've outlined in the first edit.
Good luck with your writing. It's not easy.
2006-12-05 08:14:17 · answer #3 · answered by Panama Jack 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like the detail.
I am a little confused... is the wash of purple mountains or fog or a sunset? that could be quickly remedied by simply putting ".. hit a wash of distant purple shadows coming off the mountain.." or what have you.
one other thing. I have no idea what creosote is so i find that part of the description actually distracting. I'm going to look it up but for clarity's sake i would recommend changing it to something like "Everything smelled of dusty clover and lilacs..." or something closer to your purpose.
I actually just looked up creosote and it says it's a wood preservative... unless that's the kind of atmosphere you are going for with your story line then I'm confused as to why you would find wood preserve a pleasant smell.
Otherwise it's very good and paints a vivid and semi romantic atmosphere. I like how you kind of pull us in with the curiosity about who "he" is and what happened when you met.
Happy writing
2006-12-05 08:42:36 · answer #4 · answered by ichigo_li2 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The first thing that shot out at me here was the wonderful detail and description. I'd say thats your strong point, so try focasing on other parts of the writing when you edit- later. Obviously you've hit a vein of inspiration now. Whatever you're writing about (even if you don't know) keep going. Don't worry about if its good enough right now. That'll get you into Editor mode, when you want to be in Writer mode.
2006-12-05 08:23:32 · answer #5 · answered by amor fati 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's actually pretty good. Many amatuer short stories start off very lamely, as if striving for this unassuming simplicity, but most fail to deliver.
I would reccomend that you take the second sentence and chop it into 2.
It's ungrammatical to start a sentence with and, but I've seen it done in fiction and can't really offer a replacement.
2006-12-05 12:56:44 · answer #6 · answered by sgregory1522 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sure, it's a great start. You set the reader up with curiosity and paint a great portrait of setting. You could probably add a little bit more to it, but now that you're started, just go with it and see where it takes you!
2006-12-05 07:57:28 · answer #7 · answered by jennybeanses 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It has great imagery, reminds me a little of Pat Conroy. It has a few grammatical errors, however; that is not a big deal. Make sure you have it proofed by a professional before you send it off.
2006-12-05 08:09:56 · answer #8 · answered by MELONIE T 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I love it! You might want to consider, though, substituting the phrase "had the fragrance of..." instead of "smelt of". It may flow a bit better. good luck
2006-12-05 08:21:25 · answer #9 · answered by Rocker Chick 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
all my life are remain past of my mind. My family,my country,my friends.....all gone .I am alone in this world ....I have my pieces of love everywhere.New country,new dreams, new persons and human beings. My heart is pain for my past life but for my new life too.
2006-12-05 08:24:04 · answer #10 · answered by reallife 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋