Do I tell?

Question

My husband and his brother are best friends. I am best friends with his wife. Our kids are the same age, we hang out nearly every weekend.

I recently found out that my brother-in-law is sleeping with his neighbor. He leaves the front door open while my sister-in-law is at work. There is no doubt about the truth. When I confronted him, he said it was none of my damn business. I also found out that this is AT LEAST the third affair he's had.

He has begged my husband to keep me from telling my sister-in-law because he will lose his family. We have a very large extended family, and we're all very close. There will be great pain for a lot of people if I tell her. My husband's brother may very well never speak to him again. Yet I am going crazy with guilt and anger.

Should I tell? Should I give him the chance to tell her first? (I think he's already had his chance)? How should I tell her?

Answer 1

Screw that! You need to tell him that he need to tell her and he has two days to do it other wise you will tell her yourself! If he's so worried about his family then he should have kept it in his pants...She needs to know and if she finds out that you knew and didn't tell her then she is gonna end your friendship and also feel betrayed by everyone...it happened to me and let me tell you...i was so angry that no one told me...it hurt so bad but you have to do it.

Answer 2

Your husband has the large extended family or you do?

You are in a tough spot. You have to choose between your extended immediate extended family (your husband's brother who will ALWAYS be your husband's brother) and your best friend (who is currently also your extended family by being married to your husband's brother). Well if things go bad you have an extend family political mess on your hands.

If your bother-in-law gets a divorce how will the extended family treat the wife/ex-wife? If they will still treat her as a member of the family then you have an Allie in this mess. If they treat her children as extended family and she is just the mother then you have placed yourself against the ENTIRE FAMILY. The whole blood is thicker than water goes into effect. I would go to your mother-in-law and ask her advise. Regardless of what you do you will need an Allie in this extended family that is not your husband. Good luck.

Answer 3

It's a tough spot to be in. Don't you think that deep down, she already knows - or, at least, suspects? It could be that she's ignoring her hunches to spare everyone the very embarrassment you're talking about. I find it hard to believe that he had been so good at covering his tracks that all these years she hasn't been faced with a single questionable action. I think, for whatever reason, she's hanging on to her family, and is not in a hurry to learn the truth. You can be opening one huge can of worms if you confront her with this information. Talk to your husband, perhaps together you will be able to come up with the best solution.

Answer 4

Mind your own business. If this is his third affair, she probably knows and doesn't want to confront him. Why are you "going crazy with guilt and anger"? You are guilty of nothing and you need to let go of the anger for the sake of YOUR family. I would suggest having your husband see his brother without you and that you find some new friends with children the same age as yours. You don't have to limit your social life to your husband's family, particularly if they're not the kind of people you want to spend time with. Let them make of it what they will, but keep your mouth shut.

Answer 5

Sweetheart, I wouldn't be suprised if she already knows, and chooses to ignore it to keep the family together. I had a friend in a similar situation, but I knew it would do more harm than good, if I told their partner...

It is totally up to you what you decide to do, but I would be careful, and think long and very hard about the decision. What are your husbands veiws on the problem? Maybe you should sit down and talk it out.

If it were me... I would keep well away... as you could be seen as the person who split the family and you may lose more than you would gain by appeasing your concience.....

My thoughts and prayers go out to you xx

Answer 6

If it were anyone else but your husband's brother I would say tell. However, you are an extension of your husband. If you rat out his brother, its just as if he had done so. You will put your husband in a bad position with his brother. I would say consult your husband if he doesn't care if you tell, tell. But if he says no, for your husband and his brothers sake, don't tell. No need to ruin their friendship also behind the brothers cheating. Also, you can take comfort that Karma will always win in the end and the brother will get his just due.

Answer 7

Tell him you can not stand it any longer and if he does not tell her, you will have no choice.
She is your best friend.
This jerk is probably not going to be in her life that long anyway.
As hard as it is going to be when she finds out, she needs to know from him.
The coward will probably not tell her, so you may have to be the one.
What would you want your friend to do if it was you?
Your husband is not doing the right thing by protecting his brother either.
He should stand up to the plate and tell his brother to be a man and tell his wife the truth.
How sad is this, everyone knows that this piece of garbage is fooling around and that poor wife does not have a clue?

Answer 8

Write her a letter and date it. Keep it somewhere safe and give it her when she finds out. She will find out eventually if she doesn't already suspect something is going on. In the letter, explain why you are letting her find out for herself, and list ALL the reasons. Let her know how much you are hurt by her husband's behavior and that you value her friendship.

Your brother in law is causing a lot of damage to his entire family, and eventually he'll get his comeuppance.

Answer 9

If he is really having the affair like you say. Then I would say something to her I would break it to her softly tell her that you are concerned that there are things that you think might be happening. I understand how hard it can be my husbands family is just as close but if you have a close relationship then it might be easier than you think to tell her so I would just sit her down and tell her what you know.

Answer 10

Tell him that you wont hide it, it is wrong and that he has the chance. If not, then you are telling her. If he gets really angry then get the police involved for safety reasons for you and your family and her. Invite her to stay with you. She deserves to know the truth. Wouldn't you want someone to tell YOU if you were in HER situation. You seem like the best of friends, and she deserves to know and not go on living a lie. And it doesn't seem like he is willing to quit any time soon. So, she needs to know especially because he doesn't seem like he wants to stop or get help.

Answer 11

He sound like my brother in law. When I caught him with one of his mistresses he warned me not to tell his wife or they will separate. Eventually I told his wife but nothing happened she just kept quiet and did not do anything about it and she did not confront him. All along she knew about his affairs and had accepted them. In the long run I learned never to meddle with other peoples family affairs. To each his own.