I am having a problem in my relationship that seems to center around the fact that my gf was raped about 5 years ago. Unfortunately her virginity was taken from this rape, she never told her family, and she didn't report the incident. She grew close enough to me to inform me of it and told me of the counseling she went through, trying to kill herself, and various other issues. To this day you probably could not tell that she went through all of that because she seems so strong and seems to have coped with it all and put it behind her...in every aspect except it becomes readily apparent in the bedroom.
When we first started dating we would have sex all the time, and she seemed to be more sexual than I was. As she got more comfortable with me and we moved in together sex declined.
2006-12-05 05:00:50 · 9 answers · asked by Doughman 1 in Social Science ➔ Psychology
As i found out, she was basically putting on an act when we would have a good sex life because she thought thats what I wanted...but as she got comfortable with me she reclined more into what she wanted. And what she wanted was no sex, she doesn't have a sex drive, and thinks about the incident everytime we have sex, and doesn't allow herself to relax with me. She is very much in love with me and its apparent that the incident has affected her. But now she has said that it has strangely gotten worse. The drive, and her level of comfort has decreased the longer we've been around each other, and the more we've been together to the point where we have had sex all of 3 or 4 times in the past 2 and a half months. What can I do to help her? She's had counseling before and doesn't want to do it again, but it seems to me it may be the only way to fix this problem further. I dont want to sound like a small man but I dont know how to deal with being with her if she can never have sex..:-(
2006-12-05 05:04:15 · update #1
I can tell that you care about your girlfriend and what she is going through. Heres the hard part though. Sex is not about you. Sex is a gift from God to be used as an expression of love to another person. The purpose of it is to give pleasure to the person you love, not to take. If you love her, wait. Is she special to you? Important? Someone to be cherished? Show her by waiting for her. She is worth it, and needs more than ever to be shown it. Wait until you are married. Then if she still isnt ready, wait until she is healed. What happened to her has altered her mind and her body. She deffinitely needs therapy, and you will more than likely need to go with her. Dont try to get her in therapy for your sake though, but for hers. You are undeniably in a very difficult place right now. Its not an easy road ahead of you, but a wonderful opportunity to show sacrificial love. Best of luck and my prayers are with you both.
2006-12-05 05:24:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The first thing, to be frankly speaking, i wud like to tell u is that love is not centered around just sex. At this stage ur gf needs someone who cares abt her and makes her feel secure. You should be her support in whatever decisions she takes and u should give preference to her comforts first and then if its ok with her mental condition, act on that. Becoz a mind, however strong, grows weak at the recollection of an undesirable and emotionally draining memory. You stand beside her and never allow her to feel that she is contaminated or something like that or that she can't give all the happiness u expect from her. Be her backbone.... :-)
2006-12-05 05:51:37 · answer #2 · answered by Swathi Rao 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow. I first have to say that unfortunately you can't help her to "Get over" something like this. I have been through the same exact thing. You learn to be stronger because you survived it. And you learn not to compare anyone to the person that did this to you. You grow and learn that everyone isn't out to get you. That you can't let that person defeat you for the rest of your life. But you don't forget it. It took me 13 1/2 years to forgive the people who did this to me.
But, If I saw one of them today I would make sure they never did it to anyone again. And, I won't have to touch them.
Just be there for her and comfort her and give her your all. Let her know you can be trusted and that you won't violate it. Communicate your feelings about the lack of physical contact and there could be a good reason for it. Don't dismiss her reason, ask for understanding.
2006-12-05 05:09:45 · answer #3 · answered by darkorchid 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
WOW..I ALMOST FELT AS THOUGH YOU WERE BF. I HAD THE SAME THING HAPPEN TO ME AND HAVE DONE THE SAME EXACT THING SHE HAS DONE. SEX AT FIRST AND THEN FEAR. IT DOES NOT GET EASIER. THE FIRST STEP TO RECOVERY IS TO ADMIT IT HAPPENED. SOUNDS LIKE SHE HAS HAD SOME TROUBLE DOING THIS. ONCE THAT HAS BEEN DONE, SHE SHOULD SEEK PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. I KNOW IT IS NOT ALWAYS AFFORDABLE. EVEN IF ITS TALKING WITH YOU ABOUT THE DETAILS AND ALLOWING HERSELF TO MOVE ON, ITS PROGRESSION. IM NOT SURE IF SEX BOTHERS HER ALL THE TIME, BUT FOR ME, IT COMES AND GOES. SOMETIMES ITS JUST THE FIRST PENETRATION. SOMETIMES ITS THE SMELL OF SWEAT. WHATEVER IT IS FOR HER, IT NEEDS TO BE TALKED ABOUT. THERE ARE LOTS OF FREE SERVICES TO WOMEN THAT SHE SHOULD CHECK INTO. I WOULD START BY ACCESSING THIS INFO ON THE WEB.
MUCH LUCK TO YOU BOTH.....
P.S. SHE CAN FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME..I MAY BE ABLE TO HELP WITH SOME THINGS.bcarhall1@yahoo.com
2006-12-05 05:25:58 · answer #4 · answered by kelly c 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A rape takes some thing from the guy. talking about it , if she desires, ought to help. It also ought to help you recognize what's unconfortable to her. which include perhaps, being held right down to tight, or masking her mouth to lengthy with a kiss. those issues do not look like a lot to you, yet to someone that replaced into raped, it does. enable her comprehend you're prepared to artwork including her.
2016-11-30 04:19:20 · answer #5 · answered by cheathem 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh I felt so sorry when I read ur question.u know I sometimes feel that if I was raped then I would have killed myself and that mean-spirit.
or I would have never started to experience sex.I don't y but it is always running in my mind.the best thing that she could to is visit a psychologist to get away that bad memory.(or just make it's impact less).this case really needs a skillful person.
2006-12-05 05:08:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you can't help her. she needs a pro. i'm sorry but that's the truth. she doesn't have to tell her parents if she doesn't want to. she should just start talking to someone and when and if she feels comfortable enough, she can talk about that. lots of people seek therapy for all kinds of reasons. it's obviously eating her alive from the inside out. she tried to kill herself. she buried it, yes, but it's still there. it'll come out again. you say she went through counseling, i think she should continue.
2006-12-05 05:12:04 · answer #7 · answered by practicalwizard 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Offer to go to counseling with her. If she sees that you are willing to go with her and offer unconditional support she may be more receptive to getting the help she needs. Be patient with her.
2006-12-05 05:07:51 · answer #8 · answered by Scooter 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well tell her that now shes with you nothing is gonna happen to her and she is safe with you i think it might work but realy if you realy love her than take my advice
2006-12-05 05:14:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋