Why do people tell you not to tell the wife when you know he is cheating?

Question

If I were in her shoes, I would want to know all of the facts. I may or may not stay, depending upon whether I could live with what was going on or I had a boyfriend myself ( just kidding). Anyway, why do people not tell you? It seems dishonest, exactly what the cheating spouse is.

In this case there are no questions regarding whether it is happening or not. It is. Also, how could the person telling get hurt?

I think that deep down people don't tell because they are hoping that if tey are in that situation, no one will spill the beans on them. I can't laugh and smile in my friend's face while she waxes poetically about her husband who is sleeping with her neighbor.

Answer 1

Because a fourth party doesn't know the facts.

Answer 2

People do not want to get involved. They do not want to have to go to court and testify. But the person that is being cheated on needs all the help they can get. They need as many people to verify what they already know, but need to be able to proof. People need to put themselves in your shoes. It is better to know the truth no matter how painful than have doubt and questions . The spouse that is cheating is feeding the spouse the its just friendship and you are crazy line. You the cheated on spouse feels like they are going crazy. Come on people if you know something tell the person.

Answer 3

I think, in every relationship there's more under the surface that meets the eye. To barge in and start "telling" on someone would in many instances be inappropriate. I agree that in certain situations it would be for the best to tell the person who's being deceived - but much of the time, I imagine, she already knows (or suspects), but chooses to ignore it, and stay with her husband for her own reasons. Why rock the boat in this case? Unless I was a relative or a close friend, and knew the couple intimately, I simply wouldn't feel it was my place to intrude on their privacy.

Answer 4

I was in this situation with one of my best friends. I knew her husband was cheating on her and remembered that old rule of "dont tell the wife/hub" I first went to him and told him if he doesnt knock it off i will go to my friend. He assured me he would end the affair with the hoe he was sleeping with. As some time went by i learned that it wasnt over. As i had said to him of what i would do i did go to my friend and warned her. I didnt say he was actually having an affair but told her to be careful of that one particular woman. Unfortunately my friend turned on me, thought i was trying to stir up trouble for her. I still occasionally talk to this person and she has gotten a divorce from her cheating husband. But, our friendship suffered a big blow.. soooo all i have to say is.. Beware.. even if ur trying to do the right thing it still may blow up in ur face..

Answer 5

Clearly, there isn't one answer to this question. Many, many people believe it better to stay out of others' relationships, while many others have shared stories with us which highlight the fact that each and every situation is unique.
But the central idea behind the "tell her" school of thought appears to be: "treat others like you would like to be treated" I agree with your comments that some people will not tell hoping that no one will tell on them. Supporting cheater is kind of cheating on your friend.

Answer 6

As much as one would like to know their spouse is cheating, there is the pride issue. If we are not talking about best best of the best friends, having someone know something this horrible before you can almost be embarrassing. Some would even argue ignorance is bliss, but I am not sure I would take i that far.

Answer 7

I think if they consider them a real true friend, they should find a gentle way to tell her. I agree with you I would want to know also.

But...I had a best friend about 9 yrs ago who was engaged to marry this guy whom she had dated only 3 mths. I heard rumors that he was cheating and within a couple of days, he asked me out. I told him he was crazy that I would never do that to my best friend! He begged me not to tell...I found a quiet moment to reveal what had happened to her. Now get this after being friends since elem. school...she believed HIM...dropped me like a rock...teased me relentlessly, saying I was the one who was desperate to be with her boyfriend. About 8 mths later she had proof that he cheated all through their relationship with several women, some being her "other friends."

I was so hurt for a long time because she took his word over mine.

Answer 8

For the most part-people have a hard time believing it and it may hurt you and push away the friendship if you did tell her. She will find out sooner or later--if you are compelled to say something--do it gently.

Answer 9

they dont want to hurt you. Think about it, if you knew that your friends boyfriend was cheating on her, would you want to be the one to blame the boyfriend? She will take offense and think you are making it up, only to realize that you were right in the end. a lot of people dont want their friends to think that they are making it up, although their friend will be in a worse condition later when they really find out what happens.

Answer 10

I totally agree with you. I was so relieved when I was told about him cheating. Of course it was the other woman who told me to try to hurt me, but end the end it was better. I found out and didn't have to play the dumbass wife at home anymore.

And to sureno1, she wouldn't be the cause of their marriage/relationship breaking up, it's his lying cheating ***!!!

Answer 11

Usually people are too cowardly to get involved and tell the truth...Put yourself in her shoes?? She has a right to know, especially since little children are involved, as in one of questions I posted..This man was buying condoms, and then saying, Don't tell so and so (me)!!! Well, he got caught and his wife asked me and Yes, I told her the truth...They are both friends of mine, so it is sad.....