How do I get our baby to go to sleep when it's bedtime?

Question

Our baby is about 4 months old now, and he's starting to have some serious issues with separation anxiety. My wife feeds him and holds him until it's time for her to go to bed and then she gives him to me to take care of. I have so much trouble getting him to go to sleep! I'll hold him, rock him, change him, feed him, read to him, walk around with him, put him in front of the TV, do everything I can think of, and he's fine through all that. But as soon as I put him in his crib and walk away, he blows up! He cries so hard that he turns red and gets tears in his eyes. Then when I come pick him up, he's fine again. So then I'm back to holding him, rocking him, etc.. then when I think he's calmed down enough to go to sleep, I put him back in his crib and "WAAAAAAA!!!!!" he blows up again. This sort of thing goes on for literally hours almost every night. He keeps rubbing his eyes, so I know he's tired, but he just refuses to be put down. What should I do?

I’ve been worried he might be getting spoiled, so last night I tried just letting him cry for awhile. I figured he’d get tired of crying after 10 minutes or so. 45 minutes later, he was still screaming. So I went and picked him up and held him and then he quieted down again. I’ve tried giving him baby Tylenol and medicine for his tummy, neither of which did any good. I tried cleaning out his nose (which really made him scream) but that didn’t solve the problem either. Finally I had to go wake my wife up so she could feed him and then he fell asleep with her. Then I very gently carried him back to his crib and got him put to bed without waking him up. I’m sure if he had woken up and seen that he was alone, he would’ve exploded again.

Would it be bad parenting if I just let him cry when he’s like that? I don’t know what to do with him and I’m worried I’m spoiling him by always giving in to him when he cries. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Any ideas?

Answer 1

Please don't leave a child this young to cry it out. He crys to communicate at this age. You are NOT spoiling him by fulfilling his needs. (And being held is a true NEED at this age.) Something that is spoiled is something that has been left on a shelf to rot, ignored, NOT something/someone who has received love and attention.

Try warming his bed before you lay him down. If mom hands him off to you, then have her put a heating pad, electric blanket, warm rice sock, etc. into his bed to warm it up. When you are ready to lay him down, take that out.

Try not letting him "feel gravity" when you put him down. This is what we had to do with our son. DO NOT lower him down to the mattress away from your body. Instead, keep him held close to your chest and lower your body down as close to the mattress as you can get and then sliding your arms out from under him.. This makes the transition a little smoother.

Try bringing him into bed with mom. When she goes to bed, have her take him with her and lay together. If she is nursing, she can feed him in bed in the side-lying position and just roll over to go to sleep. He may be comforted by being close to her. Just follow safe cosleeping guidelines.

Answer 2

Maybe he's not getting enough to eat before he goes to bed. Make sure he gets a good feeding before he goes to bed so you know for sure that he isn't hungry. You're doing all the right things to get him to sleep. When it gets to be close to bedtime, make sure the lights are dim and it is quiet in the room. Try giving him a bath before bedtime. That always makes our little guy tired. We just recently started making progress with our 3 1/2 mo old's bedtime. We make sure that he can't possibly be hungry. We put him in the swing after he's eaten and had his bath. For the past 3 nights now, I've been able to put him in the crib awake or only partially asleep and he hasn't cried at all. Also make sure he isn't sleeping too much during the day. I don't let our baby sleep more than 3 hours at a time during the day. Be patient and things will start looking up for you!

Answer 3

I would make sure that he isn't hungry, gassy or need a bum change..I can also say that even though he is only 4 months old that my daughter needed to start solids at 3 1/2 months because she was just not getting enough..There is no right or wrong time to start solids, it just depends on your babys growth and if this helps my daughter was only 11lbs when she started..Hmm..I think you guys are already in a little bit of trouble if your baby is used to always being held and always with someone other than himself! While its not wrong to always hold a baby if they need that kind of comforting it really isn't good to let him know that when he makes a noise someone will come running. Babies tend to cry when something is wrong and I think being alone is in your babies "something wrong list"..First off I would get your wife to start pumping some milk into bottles for that last feed..this is where you come into play and feed the baby while he is laying down beside you (either on your bed or just lay your head next to his in the crib and make it look like you are laying down)....Give him his bottle and with the combination of being tired and being soothed by the bottle he will become drowsy and sleepy....When you think hes has enough (make sure he isn't awake and doesn't need to burp-dont pick him up just tilt him up and slowly pat his back)....take the bottle away and if he has a sucky and starts to fuss give it to him now...otherwise let him be as this way you can transfer him later or hes already in his own crib..Try to avoid loud noises that may startle him and wake him up and have a baby monitor instead of opening his door 100 times to see if hes ok..Depending on which one of you is home most of the day..try transitioning him by leaving him on the floor alone while you go to the kitchen...let him lay be himself while you watch tv..unless hes crying for some actual reason like hes hungry pick him up and tend to him...if hes just crying because he wants to be held..DONT PICK HIM UP but instead go over to him and show him toys and books..you can lay beside him with him still being independently laying on the floor. It is very important for you to let your baby have tummy time and time on the floor so he develops new skills and can learn how to move his body. Good luck and I really hope this helps :)

Answer 4

It's a choice you have to make, what's important to you? Regularity and scheduling or that your son trusts you and your wife?

Our children have always slept with us, especially as I was breastfeeding and it was much easier with a child who needed to nurse every two to four hours. When they start sleeping naturally longer, which with our kids is about a year old, then we move them to their crib. We also have a playyard next to our bed, for as they get older we move them in there after a while to get them used to it a little at a time. It's comforting because they are still in our room, they can see and smell us, and they can hear us. Our oldest was very colicky, and slept in the swing for six months! It was the old wind up kind, and sometimes I can still hear the 'whirrrr-CHUNK' as it wound down. LOL!

I know that part of the problem lies in that children naturally want to be with their families, they are born to want that (being social creatures we!) as well, what's more uncomfortable than being warm and feeling safe and then having someone set you down alone in a cold crib? His tears are telling you that it feels wrong to him. I'd plug a heating pad into his bed to warm it up before you put him in (take it out when you lay him down). I'd make sure that he was very well nursed. I'd look at his natural schedule and work with that first. I'd look to see if his naps were too long during the day. I'd look to see if he's having a growth spurt (very natural at that age) But most of all I'd look and see what my priorities were. Is it important that he sleep alone? if you're worried about those purported bed deaths, look at statistics and see a majority of those were with parents who smoke, drink, use too many pillows, or are on drugs (Iegal or not)

I wish you luck. It really is what works best for your family, without letting other people tell you what's best. So take my post and any others with a grain of salt or two, and really look at your situation and think outside of the box.

Answer 5

I don't want to sound mean, but you are holding him way too much. We did the same with our son and it was a NIGHTMARE to get him to sleep on his own when he was a toddler (he was constantly held morning to night). He is too used to being held all the time that when it comes time for him to go to bed on his own, he's not used to it. He already knows that as soon as he cries, mom or dad will be there to rescue him. The sooner you break this habit, the better..believe me. We waited till after he was a year old and it was so much harder to break the habit. He will cry for a bit, and it will be very hard for you to take, but believe me, it is something you need to do. Whatever you do..do not pick him up! You have to stay strong..as hard as it is..it is for the best. It took us a good couple of weeks of him crying and screaming before he stopped and learned to sleep on his own. It's very similar to parents who co-sleep with their babies. I have a friend who did the same thing with her daughter, and also co-slept with her..and you know what..she still sleeps in the same bed as her daughter who is 8 years old now. The longer you wait..the harder it will be for everyone.

My mother warned me about the bad habit we were getting him into and she was totally right..I wish we had listened to her. I know not to do the same with my new baby.

Good luck to you!!

Answer 6

That's a really difficult thing to handle, but the reality is that he's conditioning YOU! He knows that you are going to pick him up, rock him, etc if he cries... so he cries! Firstly, you need a routine. Sit and read him a book, turn on some soft music or a noise machine, turn the lights low in his room and then put him to bed. The first few days of this he will definitely cry himself to sleep. And it will break your heart. But then he will learn that this is what happens... he will learn that when you sit in the rocker, read a book and listen to music, that it's bedtime. He won't argue as much and he will begin to anticipate that time of night.

There's a great book for understanding how to do this with your child. "Babywise". You should pick it up and read the techniques. I've seen it work well. The children thrive on routine and will really latch on to things that are consistent. So you have to be consistent.

good luck!

Answer 7

Unfortunately, this is what babies do. I would start letting him cry it out a little, but not for more than 15-20 minutes at a time. I know it's frustrating, but just try to be patient. Just keep doing what you're doing, but I wouldn't let him cry for 45 minutes. He needs to be given enough time to try to fall asleep on his own, but also needs to know that you are there to comfort him if something is wrong.

Answer 8

Sometimes you have to let them cry! It sounds bad but its better then you getting angry and exploding at the baby!

Try a baby Tylenol with a sleep aid. My friend did this for a few nights and it got her boy on schedule.

Or maybe you can do more during the day and leave it up to the wife to get him to bed?

Answer 9

he just loves to be loved and held. Try putting him on his side in the crib with a blanket behind him so he doesn't turn onto his back and a bottle in his mouth at first you or your wife can hold the bottle until he gets used to drinking himself to sleep then you will be able to leave him alone with the bottle resting on a blanket level with his mouth, try patting him in the crib while doing this if the above doesn't work.

Answer 10

Get him one of those stuffed dogs that move and are made especially for puppies that cry a lot.