She and I have been friends for many years. She's almost 20 and still living at home with her parents, yet she owns her own home. She can't afford to live in the house because her mortgage payment takes up most of her income. Her parents are abusive (sometimes physically, mostly emotionally) . She constantly wants to make plans to hang out with me and my fiancee but then just doesn't show up and never calls. She actually works at the same company I do and has an extremely difficult time getting to work on time (will cost her the job if she's late again). We've been friends for so long that I can't just break ties with her, but she comes to me for advice and support all the time and NEVER uses any of it to better herself or situation. Do I cut ties? Ignore her? Yell at her?
2006-12-05 02:49:00 · 7 answers · asked by Spudnic 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
My finacee has been friends with her for almost the same amount of time. She's frustrated. She doesn't want to give up either, but will not talk to her anymore unless the friend initiates converstation first.
2006-12-05 03:13:20 · update #1
couldn't she find a room mate or two to share the cost of living in HER home? She defianately sounds like she needs to get away from the parents. Seems like depression. It's hard to go through. It's good to have a friend to talk to even if you don't take the advise. What does your fiancee think about her?
2006-12-05 02:52:51 · answer #1 · answered by Scorpio 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't yell, ignore or tie ties with her, because she is obviously will needs your help and considering that she gets the abusive from her parents you are going to have to be there for her. I think that you need to sit her down and tell it to her straight, tell her that she needs to pull it together or she will lose her job and you can only do so much for her.
Tell her that you love her because you have been friends for years, but she is going to have to sell her house and put that money towards something smaller buy a flat and she needs to move out of her parent's house. (If your fiancee agrees would you considering letting her have a time out at your place for a few days, but make sure that it is a few days, just so she can pull her head together).
Tell her that while you understand that she has a few issues because we all do, she really need to start addressing hers, and to forget that she had made plans to meet with you once or twice is bad but to constantly keep doing is wrong and then not to even call is unforgivable.
I think that you need to give her this harsh talking too and tell her that she is to try and help herself and if she does this then you will help her in anyway that you can. But if she doesn't at least try then you are not going to be there to help her pick up the pieces. Hopefully this crude to be kind treatment will work, but if it doesn't. Maybe you will have to cut all ties for a while and then see what happens
2006-12-05 11:09:30 · answer #2 · answered by Baps . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes you can break ties with her. It may feel like you are being a terrible person. But you really have to take yourself and your feelings into consideration. She has a lot of problems you can't fix. Either accept her the way she is with out judgment. Or slowly cut ties with her. You can also point her in the right direction let her know that she is heady in the wrong direction. Confront her when she doesn't show up or makes plans and doesn't follow through you can suggest therapy etc. But you can't force her. It's sad for sure but you cannot put her needs in front of yours.
2006-12-05 10:55:36 · answer #3 · answered by Steph 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she has been abused in anyway her whole life, then it is most likely her parents who are controlling her life (directly or indirectly). They have convinced her that she is no good, that she can't do anything on her own, etc.
She is probably completely unable to dig herself out of the situation because she doesnt' value herself anymore. She is probably talked out of meeting you when she makes plans by her parents.
If you want to help her, talk about helping her get to a shelter or getting her a councellor to help her deal with her issues. You can't change anything for her, though, she has to decide to make the changes herself.
As painful as it might be, if she ultimately starts adversely affecting your life, you may have to end your relationship with her.
Good luck - for you and her
2006-12-05 11:00:02 · answer #4 · answered by teel2624 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think if its not effecting your relationship with the girl you are with now ... its up to you .. if it seems like you keep going out of your way to help this friend and there is never improvement then just tell her you dont want to hear it that you have said what you had to about her situation and shes not bettering her life there is not much more you can do for her.... be a friend just dont go out of your way for her ...
2006-12-05 10:55:30 · answer #5 · answered by maureen a 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
she sounds lost.. if you cant get her to talkto you, dont get upset, she probably cant even put into wordsyet what shes feeling.just stick around close, in case shes headed for a fall, you can help her when she needs it
2006-12-05 10:51:54 · answer #6 · answered by s p 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
let it go, let it be
2006-12-05 10:51:22 · answer #7 · answered by davionmw 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋