Is it normal for a guy to leave the house after an argument in order to go cool off?

Question

Just wanted some insight into the differences b/w men and women. I am being made to think this, but I'm trying to find out if this is a guy thing or just me. I know I hate arguing, and whenever my wife and I get into it, and there is tension in the air and nothing is being resolved, I leave the house to avoid any escalations. I would much rather cool off elsewhere and then come back later to talk logically. She feels that this action is enough grounds for a divorce, but I tell her men don't like to argue. Once when I tried staying at home and in the other room after we had a heated argument, she practically barged into the room then walks out slamming the door. I felt this is not the environment for me to cool off. So I just usually leave the house to avoid any escalations. But she feels that I am "abandoning" her when I do this and I try to explain that men do this alot cos we dont like to argue. Please share your experiences guys and girls and maybe some advice.

I forgot to add that she has mentioned the urge to cheat while I have left the house. I guess this is a legitimate reason for her to go ahead and do that? I don't know.

Answer 1

I think your a smart guy. I wish my husband would do the same thing. He gets mad at me when we argue because I'd rather keep my comments to myself until I calm down. (The comments that one usually yells out in the heat of an argument then later regrets)
He yells and slams doors, throws things etc. I wish he would take a walk to cool off. Your a smart guy. Good luck

Also- it's better that you do go out side to cool off because sometimes arguments escalate and one person gets arrested. This happened to a friend of ours. Nicest guy in the world but they got in a fight and he was taken to jail when it was the wife getting physical.

Answer 2

I think he is being selfish and immature. And you are allowing him to walk all over you. I understand that some people need some space after an argument so they can cool off and start thinking straight again. But leaving the house for days is excessive, especially since you have children. And it's not fair that he gets to have his cooling off time while you still have to maintain the household routine. If your children are old enough to see what is going on, they are old enough to learn from him and they will start to think it's OK to run away from your problems like their dad does. I would tell his family politely when they call that yes there was an argument and you would prefer to keep your arguments between you and their son. Also I would leave a bag of clothes for him by the door, in the backyard with a note telling him how you feel and what you would like to see different the next time you two argue. Remember, everyone is allowed to be angry. It is a normal feeling. It's what you do with your anger is what counts. He is taking his anger out on you by running away and leaving you to take care of the kids. Leaving for a few hours is OK. Days is not.

Answer 3

Men need more time to process their emotions. Men are more easily aroused physiologically, and do need to cool off to think more logically. As far as that goes, it's completely normal.

When you leave the house, it's good that you have silence (at least for a while), but what lies beneath that apparent "peace" are some conflicts and emotional misunderstandings that still need to be resolved.

So, do you just leave the house, then return, trying to forget that anything ever happened? If so, your wife's actions may indicate that you need to pay more attention to her needs and to be more involved in actually discussing the issues you are facing, rather than simply going off by yourself. You probably know this better than I do, being married and all, but love (which involves free giving and communication) is the foundation of marriage. So, don't just resort to blaming your confrontation-avoidant tendencies on your being a man, try to be there for your wife. At the same time, your wife needs to understand your needs as well...

Though it's a bit awkward to arrange, you may want to try marriage counseling. An objective mediator would help you communicate each others' needs, and at the same time, provide a safe, open environment where reasonable communication can be facilitated even with the accompanying emotional baggage. You wouldn't want to break up your family for such reasons that CAN be resolved, such as "feeling abandoned" or hating arguments. Things can be so much better. Good luck. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Just to clarify:

You say you leave the house AFTER the argument in order to cool off, but in actuality you are leaving the house in the MIDDLE of the argument. If you are still upset and you need to cool off then nothing has been resolved and you are technically still in the argument. Now your wife is even more upset because you left! If you had stuck around and worked it out, the fight could have potentially been resolved long before now.

My husband doesn't leave the house, but I have had him walk away from me and it just upsets me more. I think it is disrespectful to turn your back on your spouse and even worse to walk out. You are fleeing away and in essence that isn't solving anything.

You say that it only happens when you guys aren't getting anywhere in your disagreement. Maybe you need to evaluate that problem instead of looking for justification on why you walk out.

I would suggest taking some time when you aren't in an argument and discuss how you guys are communicating to each other during an argument. Take the last argument and break it down and try and determine what started it, what might have escalated it, and what might have brought it to a faster more amicable solution. Look at it as an opportunity to improve your relationship with your spouse and maybe even yourself as a person, really try and listen to what your spouse says and hopefully she will do the same. The purpose would be to walk away with a few ideas or concepts to maybe prevent arguments or just help you handle them better.

We are all human and we all have things we could be better at.

Answer 5

Yes it is very normal for a man to leave the house when having an argument to cool off. I know my man does that whenever we get into it,,then later on we can talk about this issue. But at the same time yes we do feel like we are being abandoned by you at the same time. So it can sometimes make us more angry that you just walked out. But for me im starting to learn that men need to do this or things could get really ugly. I dont think your wife is really understanding this though,,if she thinks you all should get a divorce over it. You need to sit down and explain to her when you are not having an argument about this and why you leave so she will understand. Good luck

Answer 6

I think it's great that you leave the residence in order to 'cool off'. In my experience, in the past when my husband and I would argue, he would refuse to leave the house. And the tension never left! He would claim he would not leave even for a little while because it's his house and he shouldn't have to go. And so the ONE time I tried to leave the house, he wouldn't let the children go with me; so of course I was forced to stay. And the fight continued. The fact that you leave the house during an argument, tells me that you love your wife enough to let her stay in her home, while you put the much needed distance between you two so you can both decide if it's worth fighting over. Kudos to you! In my opinion, I think your wife is trying to be a victim here. She is looking for reasons to be angry with you. I would suggest counseling, and do it fast!

Answer 7

it is very normal for guys and gals to leave the house after an argument to cool off for a lil' while. Leaving and being alone or around positive people and strangers can be so relieving.

Answer 8

I cant stand it when my fiance leaves during an argument, BUT that is only at the moment... I know its the best thing for him to do,because he usually comes back realizing what he did wrong and i realize what i did wrong while he was gone. Its just in the middle of the argument I get mad cause I feel like he's ignoring what I'm trying to say, and it makes me feel like he doesn't care. I know now when I'm not mad that its not the case... I would suggest talking to her when you guys aren't arguing.... tell her its just so the argument wont get out of control and it gives you both time to stop and think... Best of luck to you!!

Answer 9

Yes this is the best course of action. A lot of women do not realize that men are not wired for conversation when it comes to disagreements. Men are aggressive and as such deal with problems in kind. A man would much rather fight than argue. This is our nature. If a man has the ability to talk out his problems usually this is a learned behavior. So when you argue with you man and it gets heated and he heads for the door get out of the way and let him leave. None of that standing in the doorway refusing to let him leave stuff. You are asking for trouble when you do that. Of course a man should not hit a woman but more often than not women put men in situations where they are left to their most instinctive behavior....violence. Rule of thumb...women are cerebral and men are physical. So if he wants to leave let him he is not abandoning you. He is just doing the one thing that will prevent him from doing something he knows he shouldn't do.

Answer 10

This is actually pretty common - a lot of guys will walk away, rather than getting into an argument with their woman - and a lot of women will get enraged, because they want you to "finish the argument".

My theory is there is a gender socialization conflict here.

Women are taught, from infancy, to express all of their feelings, and men are taught from the same age to supress almost all of their emotions.

That's why a lot of woman want their man to "express their feelings" and a lot of guys simply DON'T KNOW HOW, since we don't have the vocabulary to express anything other than anger or lust (the only two "masculine" emotions that we're allowed to express - ironically enough, those are the only two feelings that women aren't supposed to express!)

So, you get in an argument and, unlike your wife, who has a rich emotional vocabulary to express her feelings in technicolor detail, the only way you can express your complex feelings is to get mad, and since you don't want to fly into a rage against your wife (and maybe do something stupid and regretable like trying to shut her up by smacking her or punching her in the head) you want to flee until you're calm.

But, in your wife's mind, she wants you to stand there and "resolve" the argument... and she feels "abandoned" when you can't talk out your feelings like her mom, sisters, aunts and girlfriends do with her...

But, you've got to explain to your wife - you're a GUY and guys don't do that.. and you're doing her a favor by walking away.

Maybe you should buy her some of those John Grey books about how "Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus" so she can understand why you need to retreat and cool down after an argument?