Do you get over affairs, if yes WHEN?

Question

I found out it June that my husband, we have been together for over 20 years and have children, was having an affair. Although deeply hurt to find out about the woman, I want to try and make it work. But, because of the affair we now have cash flow problems! With Christmas looming and unpaid bills piling up, this is giving me a pessimistic view on our future, I am back to square one again, like the night I found out, the pain is so raw, I am not eating My confidence is also at an all time low, I feel so worthless! What drove him to do it? Was it the sex? My looks? Me as a person? He promises he loves me, and will make up for all the wrong he has done and sounds sincere, but the trust has gone! Is there any hope for us!
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He had the affair with a women he worked with whilst abroad, so there was no way he could go back and has only recently found another job, Hence cash flow problems!

Answer 1

First and foremost you have to accept a premise...the affair was not about you, not about your looks, not about you as a person, and not about the your sexual relationship with him.

The affair was about him, his weakness, lack of character, ego, and selfishness. The other woman stroked his ego, and he made a conscious decision to cheat. Affairs take time, energy and planning. Telling lies, secret phone calls and meetings are proof of that.

There is a wonderful support group at

http://www.network54.com/Index/32374

I give credit for saving our marriage to my wife, for the last four years of proving her love to me, and this support group for helping me cope, I caught her in an affair with my (ex) best friend and fishing partner.

The forum is called "Affair Discovery and Recovery" and its anonymous, free, has links to other sites, and a suggested reading list.

My mantra during recovery was "Forgiving is not forgetting...It's remembering with your mind at peace." Rebuilding the trust will take time and a lot of work by your husband. Never again will there be "blind" trust between my wife and I. However, our new relationship is better, we have learned how to truly communicate with each other.

I say new relationship because your marriage as you knew it is dead. You are starting over at ground zero with history.

Good luck, and just know that recovery is possible.

Answer 2

that depends on you. I am in the same situation. my wife had a year long affair while i was in Iraq. i am still here 15 months after she told me and broke it off with the other guy. The feelings rushed backed as soon as i read your question. We are still trying to work things out but the trust is not there. Getting over this is going to be up to both of you and being true to yourselves. if you can't be true to each other and yourself at the same time it may be time for a separation. Try and leave that as a last resort since you have been through so much over twenty years.
As for the holidays and bills be confident that it will work out. Christmas is about family not gifts. The only cost you should really have is food for everyone that will be there celebrating. stay positive. Money will come for the bills. if it was there before it will be there again. if not try and use a bill consolidation company before they get out of control. a lot of companies can help you manage your bills and get the late fees to stop or be reduced. Look around in your area and i am sure you can find one.

Answer 3

Why is YOUR confidence low? It has nothing to do with YOU. Do you know there's a dozen reasons (you can find them all on the internet, Yahoo front page is showing one now) why men cheat. You can sit there all day and try and figure out why your husband cheated but you'll never even get a logical answer. Better yet, he probably doesn't even know himself. Here's the excuses that TV and society would like to shove down our throats; men cheat because they have a biological need to spread their seed, they get excitment from the attention another woman may give them (even if they have what they consider a flawless relationship), they need to mix it up (in other words, they get tired of the same old thing)... heck you know what, this could go on all day. The problem is that it's affecting YOUR self esteem. Why do we blame ourselves? It's probably the rejection factor. We don't think we're good enough, otherwise he wouldn't look at another woman. Yeah ok. I once heard a line that stuck with me and it always will and it said "show me a beautiful woman, and I'll show you a man who's tired of ****'ing her" - IE: A man will cheat on a beautiful woman, a woman with good character etc. It doesn't have to do with the woman, it has to do with his character. Hon, you didn't raise him, don't go blaming yourself for HIS flaw. BTW: you can get over the affair if he's willing to understand that he's going to have to build his trust worthiness back up again. It's not going to be easy, and the choice is yours, not his as to whether you can handle his infidelty. The power is yours, not his, and don't let anyone tell you differently. I really wish you the best. I'm sorry that his affair is hurting you financially, but this too will pass...

Answer 4

No you won't get over it as trust is like an egg, once it's broken it can't be unbroken. It will eventually consume you, so you have to make a decision and that is never easy. But trying to find out the why's and wherefore's will beat you up, maybe it was your fault, maybe not. It really doesn't matter, that is irrelevent. What is relevent is the fact your husband cheated on you. Now some people will say do the same back but I promise you, that makes you feel even lower than you feel now. The marriage is dead in the water although there will be those that say it can be patched up. Unless you're brain dead, it will never leave your mind and you'll become suspicious, even paranoid about it all. Eventually, you'll end up hating him for what he's done. Do yourself a favour now, be gone with this no hoper as a leopard won't change his spots, he'll do it again given the chance. And ignore the bible-bashers who say forgive and forget. You'll never forget unless you end up with Alzheimer's!

Answer 5

Why are you still with him? Is it because you have been together for so long now that it seems like the safest or easiest option, are you frightened to leave and to be single again? Why don't you get some counselling and explore what life might be like without him. You might be better off! You might be happier!! You will never know if you don't try - and life is very short......

You have grounds for the divorce option, have you considered taking it?

You know, you can't get over the affair. When the trust has gone, it's gone. He rubbished your relationship. he doesn't deserve a second chance..... does he?

Answer 6

I'm not really sure why your husband having an affair would have any thing to do with money problems. but OK. when a spouse cheats nothing they can do will make up for it, no matter how sincere they sound.its nice to hear that you want it to work. but the reality is that every time he does not come home on time or the phone rings and when you answer know one says any thing, your going to be thinking he is cheating again. so there is never going to be a getting over it.if you want to be with him, all you can do is except that you will always feel that he is doing something wrong. sorry.

Answer 7

Good for you for trying to work this out. Twenty years is a long time to just toss aside. I think in order to get past this, you may need some counseling. See a marriage counselor with your husband, and tell the counselor that you need some resolution about why this happened, and how to get past it.

An affair is a breach of trust that will always hover around your relationship. Learning how to deal with it from a professional can help immensely.

Good luck to you, and hang in there!

Answer 8

Only the two of you can answer these questions....but I would say, with lots of hard work, commitment and forgiveness, you might make a go of it together....it will not be easy. I would suggest that you seek out some professional help to assist you in getting past some of these issues and feelings....Good luck you have a lot of history together and it's hard to throw that all away.....but if you stay together it should be because you love each other and want to stay together not because of the time you've been together or for the children or any of those other reasons that people try to stay together......hang in there and my thoughts are with you....

Answer 9

There is hope, but he will have to work real hard to gain your confidence. If you find out something is still going on then you need to leave him. I believe in giving a second chance, but it stops there!

As far as getting out of the financial mess goes you will have to sit down and see what luxuries can be discontinued and what can be sold. If you are a two car family then check out the possability of getting rid of one car. If you have cell phones then maybe get the cheapest plan strictly for emergencies. The cable TV can go, the internet can go, and be conscious of turning lights on and off and A/C & heating. In tough times we have make tough decisions.

Answer 10

That was me 10 years ago. I never did trust him again but let him stay for the sake of the kids. He tried his hardest but it was never good again. Last month I moved out after 30 years together. It's hard and I grieve the loss of the marriage that I thought I had but it's time to move on.