Is it normal (common) that my boyfriend is having such a hard time with this, and how can I help him?

Question

In reference to my last question, I have another one. Here is the last question:
I would like a Christian perspective on this issue, preferably from mature Christians.
I am a college student who was abused by my step dad as a child. Recently he has repented and given his life over completely to God. He is in therapy and has become the kind of person I wish he could have been when I was growing up. My mom has decided to stay with him now. I am wondering what to do now. I dont hate him but I dont want to be around him. I dont want to see my family fall apart because I cant move on, but I dont want to keep being the one who falls through the cracks. I really dont know what to do. To make matters worse my soon to be fiance is sinking into overwhelming depression over this situation and I feel torn by everyones needs and wants. There seems to be no resources for this particular issue and I could use some sound advice. I am in therapy as well so no need to suggest that.

Thank you to everyone who has answered! These are some great and really helpful answers. Heres a few more details to clear up some questions!
1. I am not living at home anymore but live close enough to visist fairly often.
2. I do know why my mom has decided to stay with him, she believes it is what God is calling her to.
3. My step dad has asked forgiveness from me and I have given it, sometimes have to do it over again though...
4. My boyfriend's anger is towards my step dad for what he did and for "getting away with it" and towards my mom for taking him back and "letting him get away with it", and a little bit towards me for still liking my mom and wanting to talk to her, and also I think because I am contributing to "letting him get away with it."
Thanks for all the advice everyone! I am very grateful for your responses and input!

Answer 1

well, your family should respect your feelings to distance yourself. perhaps meeting somewhere in the middle-- be around him occasionally, but not all the time. compromise. if you can't handle that, they do need to respect that. i mean, you have been through a lot & you shouldn't have to ignore that. you need some time away to heal. some day, hopefully, you will be able to be around him again.

it is really hard to divvy yourself up between others needs and your own needs. you need to really work on finding the right medium. you can't compromise on certain things.

well, your boyfriend is probably feeling a little overwhelmed as well. perhaps trying not to vent on him so much will help him. its hard when you are already depressed to listen to others problems sometimes. see, you feel more stressed by his problems when you have your own. thats just how people work. we can only handle so much at one time.

you might want to discuss this issue with your counselor you are seeing. maybe couples therapy would help as well? i know you aren't looking for that sort of advice, but we aren't pros here! you could do a session or two on learning how to deal with each others problems and being supportive of each other without getting so overwhelmed.

Answer 2

Not sure why the fiance is having such a hard time with this. It sounds like you are trying to be all things to all people. My advice is.....Stay away from the step dad. It's great that he has repented, but that can never be undone and it would be dangerous to have any kind of relationship with him. The family will not fall apart. You need to move forward and build your own family. You need to understand the real reason behind the fiances inability to cope with this. I suspect that there is more to the story here. Focus on the future and set good goals for yourself. Keep people around you who are resources of strength and encouragement, and eliminate those who bring you down. That sounds a little cold, but it's really the healthy,right thing to do. I think you are ready to move forward, just make it happen.

Answer 3

Forgiving your dad is a good first step.

If it brings you down to be around him, then politely note that your upbringing is finished, as is his requirements. I would move on and get on with your life, as it appears the past is troublesome.

I don't think, based on what you've typed, that you've fallen trhough the cracks. I think you're dealing with a major life issue that has merit, and will impact you for the rest of your life. It's normal to have all sorts of feelings - wrong and right ones. Popular and unpopular. And especially in the church, "religious" versus "human". Christians "are expected to be" certain things that I'm not sure all people can be.

Don't be, act, feel or think a certain way ONLY because it falls in the line of "love peace and forgiveness". There's a time for love, but also for hate. For war and for peace. Let yourself think, AND BE, who you are. Then you can begin working on who and what you want to be.

You need resolve. Don't put that on hold for a fiance. He has to learn to seperate the situation from who you are. Now is a good time to learn. Marriage is NOT a good time to learn that.

Marriage Encounter (in your case, Engagement Encounter) is a good resource for you to learn how to deal with those issue, and that program is offered through the Lutheran Churches in your area. Weather or not you're actually Lutheran is irrelevant. It's a great course to learn how to deal with each other in situations, and it happens over a weekend. My wife and I found it to be very enlightening, intense, rewarding and fascinating. I think we had a better grasp of what we expected out of each other, and what we could best offer each other in different situations.

I highly recommend it, and I wish you the best.

Answer 4

I would think that anyone who cares about you would have trouble with accepting what happened to you. I don't know what type of abuse you suffered, but any abuse is horriffic. Your boyfriend is just having a hard time accepting the fact that someone who was supposed to protect you when you were a child violated that trust in the worst way. He is trying to figure out how to accept this man into his life. If you don't want to be around him, then he is getting that vibe from you. But at the same time, you say your stepfather is now a changed man, and this is the person that your boyfriend sees, not the wicked person who misused you. It's hard to grasp that. What he sees now is not the same person. You just have to keep supporting him and letting him know that those are two different sides to the same coin. I've had to come to terms with a similar situation dealing with my father. He was lousy with me as a child because he was a raging alcoholic, but he's wonderful with his grandchildren. I resent what he did to me, but I've forgiven him and I won't let my feelings about the situation dictate what my children see him as today. Continue with your counseling. But you also have to forgive him in order to move on with your life. You don't have to be his best friend, but as long as you hold that in your heart, you'll never move on with your life. Do not allow him to have that kind of power in your life, and do not allow your past to shape your future in that respect. God forgave him if he asked for it, and you will have to as well. Has he asked for your forgiveness yet? If so, grant that to him. But not just for him, for you too. There is healing in forgiveness that cannot be found anywhere else. I wish you all the best and keep your head held high. All things happen for a reason, we just don't know what it is!

Answer 5

This particular question is truly one of the most difficult to ask and to receive as a Christian.

Many of us have been abused in just that way. As a christian you called upon to forgive this man. But nowhere in the bible does it say that you must forsake caution. When you forgive someone it is as though nothing every happened. That's a pretty difficult thing to do when you will grow and have children of your own who may be exposed to this person.

Okay, so your mom has decided to stay with him. That hurts, and at the same time, you don't want to be responsible for the breakup of the marriage. You don't say how old you are, or if you are remaining in the home. Have you and your stepfather attempted some counseling together? That's another hard one.

Your mom and your stepdad have an entirely different relationship than you and your mom...that's the first thing you have to remember. The second is that no one knows what goes on in a marriage except those two people. You don't know what has gone on between your stepdad and your mom, or her reasons for staying with him. I know that the authorities and the psychologists all say that she should leave, but there may be pressing reasons why she cannot.

I once knew a lady whose husband attempted to molest her daughter. When presented with the need to leave him, she had to make a choice. She had two children of her own, and she had raised his three from infancy. If she left, she also left them. She nearly had a breakdown over the children. She ended up opting to try and repair her family. But the relationship was NEVER the same. She ALWAYS watched him after that.

Another thing is that if someone loves you, it doesn't go away because you did something wrong. What he did probably horrifies her, while she still loves and cares for him. Just because she is going back with him right now, doesn't mean she will be able to stay. She's trying to keep the family together, and she has adult reasons for that. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you or that she doesn't believe you or that she holds you responsible for what he did. You stay close to your mother, because she's going to need you, and you will always need her.

When it is time, God will help you to move on. And if your stepfather has honestly given his life over to the Lord, then he has to take steps to stop this thing that made him do what he did. I can't tell you that you will ever feel completely comfortable, but you can't allow him to chase you from your life and your family either. I hope this makes sense to you.

This thing that he did has already caused your family to fall apart. You didn't do that. You need to stop blaming yourself and allow him to accept the responsibility for what he wrought. He has to face Christ over what he did to you, and he also has to deal with your mother and with you and with anyone else he hurt. Accepting the Lord doesn't mean that there aren't still consequences for his actions. He is forgiven, but Christ also said "Render unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's" and that means that if he owes those he hurt, or if he has to go to jail for what he did, that is also a part of accepting the Lord.

This is a really hard question to answer because it really is between you and your stepfather...only the two of you can begin the healing process and it's up to the two of you how that happens. The only thing that I can say to you is that God doesn't hold you responsible for what an adult did, and he doesn't hold you responsible now. You can't make your mother's decisions for her, but you can stay close to her and understand that whatever you see is not necessarily the way things are.

Remember that not only did he betray you, but he betrayed her as well, in one of the most horrible ways that he could. To harm a woman's children when you trust them to be your partner is unforgiveable. She is hurting, and betrayed and feels guilty and feels frightened and doesn't know which way to turn right now. Give her some time, and she will know what she has to do.

I'm thinking that most of this has only come out recently. She's probably still reeling. And I know you are.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned...guys tend to feel possessive and protective of those they love. But they also have a really hard time understanding how things can happen, and why women don't tell right away. They're guys and they think that they could tough their way out of everything. If he loves you, he will try and understand. But he's going to have a tough time for awhile, because he hasn't lived it. Pray that God gives him peace, and pray for your own as well.

We will be praying for you here. God Bless and keep you.

Answer 6

I'm no Christian. Think you are really noble that you don't hate your dad and that is really important. Everyone has their bad memories so its perfectly fine that you don't wanna stay with him. So don't be. Just do things that makes you feel good and comfortable. Time may heal your wounds and in a few years time you may be willing to be around him. We are all human and are affected by emotions. Think get on the life with your fiance 1st. that's the most important thing to do now.

Answer 7

first and for most you should be worrying bout yourself not your dad because he did what he did (selfish) your boyfriend is also selfish believe it or not instead of supporting you through this terrible time he wants the attention on him.I don't know how long you guys have been dating. you mentioned your dad is trying to make amends take things slowly get back with your every one needs a dad but boyfriends are a dime a dozen Good Luck

Answer 8

First of all...I am sorry you were treated that way...abuse of any kind is hurtful...and life changing...Forgiveness is key...at this point...Your step father has come to repentance...which is a good thing...and God has forgiven him...and even better thing...As for you not wanting to be around him...search your heart...If you can forgive him in return...then, you will be free of this bondage of abuse...I know that forgiving someone who has hurt you...is not easy...EVER...but, I do know that when one does so...it frees your heart to heal...This decision is yours...it matters how you feel...inside...Yes, your partner is hurting with you...but, your needs and wants are most important now...it happened to YOU...Take a deep breath...decide if you want to be free or be held bound...I hope this helps...Blessings, smiles, and prayers...CAKES

Answer 9

communication, and larger major, prayer... confer including your mom (and your kinfolk): that you're supportive of your dad's transformation yet you're literally not waiting to attend to him; how major that is that you'll bypass on including your existence with no need to be obliged to ensure your stepdad and be reminded of your painful previous; that scars do not heal immediately with techniques from forgiving your transgressor and that you want time for it to ensue; that you imagine you're at an age the position you could ultimately stay your existence the way you opt for after residing a existence of discomfort that you probably did not opt for. confer including your boyfriend how importantly you experience about staying on good words including your mom, and that if it makes you satisfied, then he might want to welcome it. He ought to enable bypass of the previous, of what your stepdad has performed, because your stepdad's now attempting to make amends. i imagine that in the journey that your boyfriend has a good foundation of religion, he must be able to open his heart and ideas about giving your stepdad a 2d chance. ultimately, pray, pray, pray. i have only gotten with the help of a personal kinfolk-correct situation besides, and through all of it I by no skill stopped praying and that i continuously believed that i will triumph over it. and that i have. Pray including your boyfriend--it ought to also advance your courting. imagine your prayer being replied and by no skill stop praying. the perfect to you, and God bless.

Answer 10

first off dont bring your bf down with you. try to keep him out of it. as for your dad, i personaly hate people like that. so about that you should probaly keep away any way cause no matter what you do you will always have animosity towards him. just try to limit contact, you dont want to get hurt again for nothing