How do I get my husband to help me out at home more?

Question

For 8 months out of the year he goes away to work and when he comes home for a couple days he doesnt want to do anything. We have a 4 year old and a 3 month old, and I am TIRED. He doesnt do anything to help me when he is home and he complains when certain thing are not done. for example when dinner is not ready on time. I feel invisable and I dont know what else to do. Ive tried talking to him about it but it never works. His view is that because he goes to work and brings home most of the money (I am collecting maternity benifits) that he should be able to do whatever he wants when he is home. i.e goes out with friends until the early morning and doesnt bother to call. dont get me wrong he is a great father and I know that he loves me very much but sometimes I feel worthless and unappreciated.

Answer 1

Well, he's doing his part, BUT so are you. Just because you don't go away for 8 months to do your work, doesn't mean you don't work just as hard! By the time he paid for a sitter, maid, a cook, etc., he couldn't afford you! Just cuz he's gone 8 mos. doesn't mean he gets to come home and stay out that late. You are a understanding wife, WOW!-how lucky this guy is, and he doesn't even realize it? Do you do that? I sure hope so, cuz you sure deserve the break too. If I was in your place, I'd feel just like you do! Trade places with him for a week, and see how he feels.You know very well he knows you have to feel like crap, shame on him!!! Sh*t needs to change!!!! Your the only one who can do that for yourself!!! Good luck!!!

Answer 2

Have you tried talking to him and telling him how you feel, if you have and he is not listening he is obviously very selfish. The fact that he is away for so much of the year means that he actually does not feel married or understands the pressures you are under. He fathers the children and leaves you to look after them, all the household responsibilities are yours. Try pointing out that he may earn the money but you are the one keeping the home together and if you and the children mean anything to him he needs to wake up and start taking more responsibility. Just point out that you would like to spend quality time with him, that you would like to go out, that you would like a life other than being an unpaid servant. I'm afraid he needs to grow up.

Answer 3

You feel worthless and unappreciated because YOU ARE! Your husband is the kind of chauvanistic dinosaur that should have become extinct with the dawning of the 21st Century.
So in future, if he wants his dinner on time, get HIM to cook it or better still, as he is the "breadwinner" (I hate that expression), take you out and show you a good time.
If he wants his shirts ironed then HE should do it. Stick up for yourself girl and tell it to him like it is. You are a VERY hardworking mum and being a mum is the hardest job in the world. So take my advice, take NO prisoners and he doesn't want to know, then he is thicker and more chauvanist than I thought.

Answer 4

my husband recently came back from overseas about a month ago..he was over there for a year. So I know what your going thru..it can get pretty stressfull at times. We have 3 kids that were my constant shadows..I couldnt even go potty without knocks on the door..(mommyyyyyy what you doin??) It is hard doing it by yourself. But I can tell you this..not a day went buy that I would have given anything for his socks to be left on the floor or put his plate 5 feet from the sink..bc that meant he was home..so dont ponder on the fact that all he wants to do is sit on the couch..be thankful that he is home..on the couch.

Answer 5

He is taking the whole financial weight on his shoulders, yet this does not grant him the right to do as he pleases. He wanted a family and kids and that took the two of you not just him. You need to bring this to his attention. Nagging its not gonna help, you should try explaining thisto him in the most pacific way possible. if you wouldnt take care of the kids and home, he could not have the job he has. Bring this to his attention.

Answer 6

Stop working. Then when he realizes this tell him this:
"You work 8 months of the year, then come home and rest. I work the 8 months you are gone and I work when you are home. You get a rest, so why shouldn't I. We both need to work together, I can't do everything alone."

If he still doesn't listen, I feel sorry for you.

Answer 7

Tell him that he needs to help you if he doesn't change
then here's what you do:

Leave him a note of what the kids need and what needs to be done around the house and then Leave him and the kids for 2-3days
Go on a break with you friends or book yourself in spa because you sound like you need it.

Or Get a maid/House helper

Answer 8

What he needs to do is find out what it is really like to take care of the kids for an entire day by himself - doing everything that you normally do. You need to find out what the pressures of his job are like - if you did that - you'd both be more patient with each other. Both my husband and I became much more patient and understanding of each other when I had to work and take care of the kids all day - because I know what he goes through and so I don't push him to do alot - sometimes, he has to back me up with the kids so I can work - so he knows what it is to have to take care of the kids all day and so we totally appreciate one another and what we do. I don't know what it would take for you to be able to see what the other goes through in a day - but if you did - you both would be so much more forgiving on some of these things. It's like my hubby doesn't complain about late meals that happen, sloppy housework that sometimes doesn't get done - mismatched socks because I wasn't totally careful with the laundry -and the many days when the house is completely trashed by the kids when he gets home. I don't get all ticked off when he doesn't change diapers for me after a long day at work and I don't complain about him sitting on the couch for a few minutes and trying to relax a bit. You just have to get into a groove of understanding of one another and the challenges you both face. So, I try to help my husband with his work when I can and he tries to help as much as he can with some of the things around the house. The going out with his friends thing - is totally unacceptable however - since when do you get a night out with YOUR friends? He needs to accept responsibility for the household, the kids and you and so there are some areas here where you could probably use some counseling. If you have a pastor or someone who is holding you accountable in your marriage - it's time to set up a meeting with them to discuss these issues. He's got to wise up and take responsiblilty - he's not going to look back to these days and say - "I wish I spent more time hanging out with my friends." He's going to say - "why didn't I take care of my wife and kids better?" It's like okay - my hubby went out with friends last Friday night and I was totally okay because I knew exactly where he was and when he was coming home. He made the same sacrifice for me today to go spend time with my friends but I sacrificed it because he had to work late but sometimes, it's not going to be fair and I'm okay with that - after all - women are stronger emotionally to handle challenges than men such as caring and nurturing children - give me my kids anyday - I love them in a special way as mommy - and I can accept that.

Answer 9

You are not worthless, but you are certainly being treated rudely and being taken advantage of. So, your worth in this relationship is what you can do for him, huh? This guy kinda sounds like a jerk. I wish that I could help you...but I am going to give you the "try counseling" answer...if you didn't have kids, I would suggest a separation, just so he knows that he needs to open his ears, weather he wants to or not, marriage isn't just about him.

Answer 10

If you ever manage to get you husband to help round the house more do the rest of us women a favour and write it in a book