After the miscarriage?

Question

I posted for advice on how to treat my wife after her miscarriage. Nothing worked and today she checked into the mental ward. Now, I'm more scared than ever. How long is she going to be there and what can I do to help her now??? I feel so lost and hurt.

Answer 1

I'm really sorry Trent, I just got your e-mail. I'll e-mail you back...just keep your head up and take care of yourself.

Answer 2

It looks like you have several good answers here, and I hope that helps you feel a bit more optimistic. I reiterate that you should tell your wife how you feel... that you are frightened and hurting... and also tell her that you are there for her and that the two of you will get through this together.

The one thing I really wanted to add was to encourage your wife to reconnect with music (you say in your profile she is a classical musician). Artistic people often deal with personal grief very differently from those who are more analytical-minded. I don't know if your wife composes, but if she does, I believe it would be therapeutic for her to channel her grief into a musical creation. If she does not compose, then perhaps simply hearing (or playing) some of her favorite pieces of music can help her to remember that there is more to life than this particularly devastating misfortune.

You should also ask her doctors for their advice on anything else you can do to help.

Best of luck to both of you. I'm glad your wife has such a caring husband.

Answer 3

I don't know how long she will need to stay there.. I know that after I had one, I started to resent my husband because I thought that he was getting on with his life and I was just stuck. He was just trying to take care of me, but I saw him getting up everyday and getting back to normal. I couldn't understand how he could do that. It's so hard to go through this. As the husband you don't know what to do, and as you said you feel lost and hurt. As the wife, and mother, you feel like a failure. The most basic thing in life is to carry a baby, and when it doesn't work you can't help but wonder why? I put myself in counseling, and it took me several weeks before I could be around other people without crying. It's so very hard, and everyone is different. Then best thing you can do it just try to comfort her. She is going to feel better one day and then revert back the next. It's also good to talk to her about how you lost a child too. She may feel "comfort" in knowing that she is not alone. So sorry for your loss.

Answer 4

well I just lost a baby again in Sept and nothing is still right for me.
sometimes its harder to be around the person that either you think faild you or that you faild. People never really know why they
miscarige but its bad on the people involved. I know my man is not really been there for me he thinks im moody and bitchy but I cant help it im trying to get back in the real of things I lost my job and house because of it all I was in the hospital for so long. But now things are looking a little better but my mind still hinks crazy thoughts. I wish I knew what to tell you but its hard everyone is diff.. The first time i lost a baby i was happy because it was with the wrong guy and the wrong time...

Answer 5

Does she know you feel "more scared than ever," and "so lost and hurt"? If not: tell her.

You need to be strong and supportive, yes, but it's also no help when it feels like everybody else feels just fine, and you're weird for feeling so awful. Go ahead and freak out, albeit in a manageable way.

Getting drunk with a close friend is not a bad idea, especially if you're the sort who'll cry over beer.

This will not help at all right now, and you probably shouldn't say it to her, but: this, too, will pass. The pain is incomparable, but fortunately not life-long.

That said, by all means, stay away from "you can try again." Yeah, no kidding. A uniquely insensitive female gynaecologist pointed out that I was "young." It would have been a rude and strange thing to say even if I wasn't out of my twenties. I hope nobody has said anything less than pleasant to either of you.

How long is she going to be there? I would hope quite temporarily. I'd _guess_ that what they'll do is get her on medication, observe her for a bit, and send her home with referrals for counselling, support groups, that sort of thing.

What can you do to help her? You seem to already be doing the right things. Bring whatever you're allowed to bring to the hospital that would allow for some sense of normalcy -- anything related to her hobbies; books, music, that sort of thing. Good, non-hospital food might be welcome. Some nice lounging-ish clothes, a plush robe, that sort of thing. She is probably also in less than ideal physical shape, so pamper as you would for any sick person.

Caveat: there may be some sense of not just being temporarily out of sorts, but of being actually physically flawed, so to speak. Allow me to revise "any sick person" to "any person with a bad flu, or broken arm, etc; not as you would for somebody with cancer."

There are some books on the topic that either of you may or may not want to read right now. This one:

http://www.harpercollins.com/books/9780688173906/Unspeakable_Losses/index.aspx

isn't bad at all.

I'd also try to involve family. It might, depending on circumstances, be important for her to know she hasn't 'let anybody down.'

There're some useful links here:

http://www.cbc.ca/ideas/features/shows/miscarriage/index.html

Also, see what you can find out about the Japanese/Buddhist concept of "liquid life," which I don't know enough about myself to ramble on about here -- but it is interesting, and useful.

You have my sympathy.

Answer 6

Awwww, I'm so sorry! Not only have you lost your baby, but you've temporarily lost your wife.

Be sure you find ways to mourn the little life that didn't get born. Talk with a priest or minister or counselor. Talk to that person about your wife too.

When you see your wife, just hold her hand or hug her or let her cry. Don't try to explain or comfort with lots of words or tell her it wasn't important or talk about the children she will have someday. Just be there for her to hold her.

As time goes by, find ways with her to celebrate the baby's brief existence - like, plant a tree or a pretty bush. My sil has a framed line drawing of the face of her full-term baby who died soon after birth. It hangs on a living room wall. Our family doesn't hesitate to talk about Keith.

Answer 7

Miscarrying a child is very traumatic. Some women are devastated, and it doesn't bother others. Your wife probably just needs some time to deal with the overwhelming grief and sorrow during this time. There may be nothing that anyone can say or do for her. Hopefully, she will get through this and be able to move on with her life. She needs TIME. Good Luck.

Answer 8

all you can do is let her know you love her and Will be there for her.i had a miscarriage in march and i never talk about it .i think its too hard ,one minute you have all these plans,names picked out ,what your going to do there room in .and in one second its gone.i felt like it was my fault ,if i hadn't drank that alcohol before i knew i was pregnant.if i had gone to the doctor the first day i felt weird.but the truth is some babies weren't meant for this world .they are to good . try your best to support her and let her know its not her fault and you can try again when ever she's ready. and I'm sorry for you too.you lost a child as well and i hope you can take a minute to grieve too.

Answer 9

Miscarriages work on the mind and body. The hormonal surges and lulls in the body are enough to upset an already fragile system.

She will be fine but she has to take a rest and get to terms with the overwhelming effects the pregnancy had on her mind and body.

You are sad for Mom and child but please be patient and kind to her.

Answer 10

First, you should go to church and seek God's help on this very serious issue. Always think positive and never show your wife that you are frustrated, hurt, or sad...you should be stronger and show her that no matter what happen, you will always be there for her and not give up. Prayer is the answer ...