We have been through this before-I told him it made me feel inadequate because I compare myself (and fear he does too) to the perfect bodies in the porn. Also, he is rarely interested in having sex with me, even when I initiate it. We've been together 10 years and have 2 beautiful children together. I am not the babe I once was, but I'm not too shabby either! Everything else is pretty good so I wonder how big a deal to make of it. Bottom line is: I feel betrayed and I am hurting over this. Please help- I would especially like to hear from married men and women who've been here. Thank you, Thank you.
2006-12-04 16:31:04 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Ihave suggested we watch it together but that made him uncomfortable. He doesn't watch anything freaky (that I've seen) and there isn't much I'm not willing to do. If he is too tired for sex, why does he have energy for porn?
2006-12-07 02:25:46 · update #1
so lay it out one more time for him. Don't sugar coat it. Explain that this behavior is hurting you. If he cares for you he will stop.If he won't stop it's possible he's addicted to the porn, it's probably the largest growing addiction out there because it seems harmless. You can probably find a support group or seek counseling.
If he does see your side then install parental controls onto the computer with only you knowing the password, and make it very difficult using random letters and numbers and keep it in a safe place he won't find. Also keep an eye out for dvd's or other cd's of porn. There isn't a %100 way of keeping him from porn other than trust.
If he cares about you he won't hurt you like this.
This is coming from a male who doesn't have a problem with porn as long as it is occasional, but it can quickly become a problem.
This just sounds like it may be an addiction because you have asked him to stop and he hasn't, maybe he wants to but can't. He is also not interested in sex with you, again maybe he wants to but feels ashamed and can't or won't.
Now onto the other side, I'm not asking you to go into detail I'm just using what you typed, maybe he isn't getting the signals when you initiate sex. What might be an initiation to you might just be a good kiss or tease to him. Make sure you are both on the same page. It could also be a drop in his sex drive, due to lots of things, age, stress, depression, fatigue.
He may not even realize he's hurting you.
Becuase you have had this issue before it leads me to believe it is my first conclusion I'm just trying to cover all bases. Just sit down and have a good long talk and see where things go from there.
2006-12-04 16:46:00 · answer #1 · answered by Adam F 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-07-19 01:23:09 · answer #2 · answered by Hubert 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to say, because I don't know HOW much porn he watches, but does he have an addiction to porn? When men have an addiction to porn, then they tend to lose interest in REAL sex, because the FANTASY of sex (like they see in the videos) is much more appealing than the real experience. It's not YOU being inadequate-- even if they were in the presence of the porn stars themselves, the stars wouldn't "do it" for them either if it was reality. I'd strongly suggest you guys get into counseling ASAP. And put the kibosh on the porn watching. Porn is OK in small doses, but it should never become a necessity, and definitely should never become a substitute for the real thing.
2006-12-04 16:43:00 · answer #3 · answered by Jess H 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i have been with mine 8 years and porn has always been an issue.i grew up thinking that as adults you go to bed have sex then sleep ,i was told that i wanted sex too much and that it was normal not to have sex every night.then i find porn in the bathroom and wake up one night to him handling up in the living room.i felt exactly like you did .what the pluck .I'm right here why do you have to watch that crap and look at those things .but the truth is men are visually stimulated and i think that porn back in the day was just for men.and men felt it was something they do alone .what i tried and have had some goooood luck with(not saying he doesn't still look and i don't still feel some insecurities)is buying or downloading porn i like for us to watch together.i just waited one day with one on and some new pretty underthings and when he got home it was on.after i had the conversation with him about tring to make this a couples thing.and for the most part it is.(i don't think ill ever get rid of the damn playboys in the bathroom ,but the jokes are great lol)good luck
2006-12-04 17:02:40 · answer #4 · answered by tiffanyh2323 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok I can say that this is my favorite topic to talk about.... How much is too much porn??? Hmmmmm.... I was married the first time when I was 18 years old and was with him for 6 years. He and I would "make love" and literally an hour later would be watching his porn in the living room. he didnt care if I walked in. I felt like I wasnt good enough for him. I felt I wasnt as beautiful as the women oooooooooing and awwwwwwwwwwing on the television. I finally asked him what the deal was and he responded with " they are hot and it arouses me" well, so much for not telling me what I wanna hear. The sad truth was that my ex husband was always brutally honest. He made me feel insecure and that I wasnt beautiful. Your situation is a lil different. If you try to start something with him he blows you off. That is when you need to start questioning if he is just plain bored. Maybe counseling would be best. It sounds as if he is overly obsessed with it. Try to seek some help.... just you and him talking and tell him what is on your mind. Tell him if he doesnt want to start fresh then you need to bounce to a better healthier life. What if your children catch him??? You need to talk to him fast. You need to be respected and treasured.
2006-12-04 16:50:47 · answer #5 · answered by texaslady78 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, porn itself is not from my piont of view the problem, is your husband's behavior, porn is just an instrument,do you watch porn with him or does he watch porn himself?, without you around? would you feel comfortable wathing porn with him? if so, why not watching together and be part of the game? probably you feel you are being left out and that is why you feel betrayed, go ahead and let him know what you think about this and hopefully he'll understand that you want to be part of his world, try to work this out together as a couple, do not assume that he knows what you feel or what you are thinking, use specific words and examples to explain your reasons, be clear, direct and straight forward, sometimes communication is all you might need.
good luck!!!
2006-12-04 16:42:38 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-09-03 12:27:17 · answer #7 · answered by chautin 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm currently in the same situation as you are and I don't have any answers for you but it was good to see I'm not the only one going through this. I've spoken to my husband about this and he says he's just tired and when he's in the mood everyone is around and we can't. Things changed for a couple of weeks then they went back to the same. I felt so stupid telling him my emotions over this just to have him go back like it didn't matter. Anyways I know how much this hurts and hope you (and I) find the answers we're looking for.
2006-12-04 16:57:05 · answer #8 · answered by CHRISTINE S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can not learn to enjoy it with him you two may need to see a professional about this. He should not allow this to become a deal breaker for a family. Tell him you want to work on your real sex life together and this is getting in the way.
2006-12-05 08:55:18 · answer #9 · answered by onlineseeker 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No matter how smurfy everything else is - this is a dealbreaker and you need to hit home to him how much it bothers you. You tried being nice and talking to him about it - now take the gloves off and set him straight quick.
2006-12-04 16:41:13 · answer #10 · answered by Ade 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋