Abused as a child by my step dad, hes repented and mom is taking him back, should I be ok with it?

Question

I would like a Christian perspective on this issue, preferably from mature Christians.
I am a college student who was abused by my step dad as a child. Recently he has repented and given his life over completely to God. He is in therapy and has become the kind of person I wish he could have been when I was growing up. My mom has decided to stay with him now. I am wondering what to do now. I dont hate him but I dont want to be around him. I dont want to see my family fall apart because I cant move on, but I dont want to keep being the one who falls through the cracks. I really dont know what to do. To make matters worse my soon to be fiance is sinking into overwhelming depression over this situation and I feel torn by everyones needs and wants. There seems to be no resources for this particular issue and I could use some sound advice. I am in therapy as well so no need to suggest that.

Answer 1

No. Why is she taking him back? Your Mom is more f*cked up than your stepdad.

Sorry you have a majorily fc*ked up mom.

Answer 2

If what you mean by abuse was sexual abuse, then I personally don't believe that all the repenting and therapy can change the abuser. I think that once a child molester, always a child molester. That dark dendency stays deep within them, only to emerge at a later time.

I don't see any reason why you should force yourself to be around him just because your mom has chosen to stay . . I am assuming you no longer live at home. If you need to make a brief appearance over the holidays or he happens to come home while you are visiting your mom, I would just avoid him and move on. Your mom will most definately need your support for when she realizes the mistake she has made in accepting him back into her life. She obviously has some self esteem issues to be able to overlook his past behaviour and actually believe he can and will change...

As far as your fiancee is concerned, he needs to grow up and be supportive of your life and your future together. Whatever decision you make, he needs to be there for you and not allow you to be torn between everyone's needs. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with him telling him you have enough issues to contend with and you can't be responsible for anyone else's feelings but your own,

I am a Christian and I do believe in forgiveness...just as God forgives us. Forgiveness frees us, not the other person. Holding on to past resentments no matter how justified, only weights us down and clutters our hearts and minds. But just because we "forgive" does not mean that we "forget". I think I would be polite and civilized when in a family situation for your mom's sake...beyond that, I don't think you owe anyone more. Continue with your therapy and maybe join a support group for contact with others who have lived in your shoes. You seem to have a very mature and compassionate spirit...Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

It depends on why you feel you should be "ok" with his return to good graces. Even though he has repented, has he asked your forgiveness for his crime and sin against you? And if he does, have you thought about if you can, or will forgive him? Sometimes forgiving someone is an ACT of will, not something we feel. I don't sense bitterness in your comments, and that's good. Nobody should expect you to "move on" with this.

You are right to be cautious around your father, and your almost-fiance is correct not to trust him. His depression is likely because he loves you and could not protect you (obviously) when you were young and helpless, and anger at both your parents.

I would be extremely cautious about trusting your future children to your father's care, no matter how "changed' he seems to be. Pedophilia is one of the most difficult sexual sins to overcome, even after years of abstinence. You must always be cautious.

You can't solve this situation on your own. Please contact the Christian therapist your father is seeing, or one in his office, or your pastor, if he has professional counselling credentials. Your family may never heal completely, and it is not your fault. But a professional will help both you and your almost-fiance to understand why you are feeling as you do. The counsellor will also help your father understand why you can't just forget the past.

Please, may I also suggest working through the Proverbs with your almost-fiance? One chapter a day. There's so much wisdom in them, sharp little daggers of golden advice that will cut right through to the heart of your sorrow and the misery he feels, and help you both heal.

Answer 4

There are no "Shoulds" in the situation. You cannot control what your mother does but you can definitely have feelings about this that are not happy. And that would be entirely normal. Other people are going to do what they want to do. The thing you need to do is pay attention to yourself and how all this makes you feel right now. If you do not want to be around your stepfather than by all means honor that. Doesn't necessarily mean you will always feel that way. It's perfectly okay and good to take care of yourself and your needs first in the particular situation. You can forgive your stepfather and not continue a relationship with him.

Answer 5

I am very sorry about your situation; it is a challenging one. On the one hand, here is a man who has repented and we do know that God has forgiven him totally. Your mother also decided to forgive him. Though forgiving someone doesn't mean getting back together with them, we cannot blame her for taking him back. Yours is very difficult. It is too emotional & though you have forgiven, you wouldn't wish to have the person in the family again. I would suggest you continue with therapy and explain to them how you feel. Don't push yourself to accept him or to be around him in family occassions. Take it one step at a time and pray for complete deliverance. As the saying goes "forgiveness is when you forgive someone and you realise that the prisoner was you."

He couldn't harm you anymore even if he hadn't repented.

Answer 6

talk to a minister and pray that's to personal a issue to just tell anyone God always whats a family to stay together you need a seasoned minister who has discernment and wisdom God always forgive people wont he could be on fire for god 20 years from now some one will bring this up (your own daughter said this)don't give the devil a loop whole in his or your life the word say 'leaving mother and father the two become one you should be more concerned about your husband cause you ll be one in a while don't even listen to me pray and go to a minister "in the council of many wise their is safety) try someone you dint know that may help"------------" buy god bless ps "how can you say you love god who you havent seen and you dont love your brother you see evry day" its in John some where i think you dont have to be a door mat though

Answer 7

You sound like a very decent person who has the right motives and who is understandably reluctant to put the more repugnant aspects of this story behind her.

First, forgive him. You need that at least as much as he does. Second, avoid future contact with him as much as you can, but don't be ugly about it.

It sounds as if your fiance is a bigger problem than your step dad. He needs to be treated for his depression and you probably need to be a very major part of that treatment. Focus on him, if you love him and want him to be part of your life.

You might do very well to sit down with your mom and have an open and frank--and private--conversation about your concerns in this matter. It will help her better understand your feelings and will also help you better understand hers.

Abuse is a major problem with many victims. Your step dad may be lucky to have stayed out of prison, and perhaps he has recognized this. He will carry a load of guilt around with him all his life. That is appropriate, given his past conduct, but he needs to learn to mature beyond feelings of guilt.

If he apologizes, accept that apology. If he wants you to be closer to him be honest in the way you reject those desires. If at any point you can reach a point where you can be comfortable around him then follow your instincts. People can change, and very possibly he has.

And forgive yourself. You have no guilt in this matter. You didn't ask for this and didn't bring it on. You need this for your own peace-of-mind.

Good luck and God bless you.

Answer 8

It is good to see that you have put yourself into therapy, and that you are beginning to heal yourself. As a Christian, I would say that it is your moral duty to forgive him if he asks of it, but forgiveness doesn't mean that you will be able to forget what he has done, or that you have to act like it didn't happen, or that you have to be his buddy now. That may never happen, even though you are a Christian, and having gone through what you have gone though, it still doesn't make what happened OK. forgiveness is not a green light on what happened, although I am happy to hear that he is in counseling. All forgiveness is that you acknowledge weakness of sin in another person, and you don't hold hatred in your heart toward that person. It doesn't mean that you have to have them in your life, and since it would probably only cause stress anyways, I would suggest limited contact, and absolutely no alone time. Good for you for getting help, God Bless you on your recovery.

Answer 9

As a product of a broken home myself, I have learned that you can forgive but you never forget. My father was abusive to me and my siblings. I have not forgiven him for what he did to me but that was my choice. You can chose to be the better person and forgive him, but you won't forget the pain. It will stay will you. I do however, maintain a very sable relationship with both my parents. You need to basically tell both your parents (if you choose) that you will forgive your dad, but that it will always be with you. But the great thing is that I promise, it makes you nothing but stronger.

Great lyrics to a song called I'm Ok by Christina Aguilera.

Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never knew just where to turn for shelter from the storm

It hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Every time my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
And every morning that I wake
I look back at yesterday
And I'm OK

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming, please no more
Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done
For you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake
I look back at yesterday

It's not so easy to forget
All the marks you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And everyday afraid to come home
In fear of what I might see next

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love you gave
And every morning that I wake
I look back at yesterday
And I'm OK

I'm OK

Answer 10

A "Christian" would turn the other cheek.
But then again, this is one reason why I no longer consider myself a Christian.
Good Christians who follow the teachings of Jesus would let him stay, would forgive him for what he did and let him happily go on his way.

Did you know that the rates of reoffense for these sorts of issues is somewhere approaching 85%?
I know it's not a Christian perspective to want to stay away from damaging influences and I don't want to tell you what to believe.
But really. If he was interested in giving his life over to God in reality, he would be trying to do what is best for YOU, not what is best for HIM.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you, but... *sigh* It's not an easy situation.
I know that if I were in the same situation, I'd tell him where to go, and then if my mother were supporting him over me, I'd tell her where to go as well because it was not your fault that this man committed a terrible sin against you. I think it's very unfair of your mother to put his needs over yours, and maybe a little naive as well.
The right thing for your step dad to do would be to stay away from you if you find things difficult. If he's really genuine about having changed, he should be willing to make sacrifices for you to be ok.

If your family falls apart because you don't want to be constantly forced to be in contact with someone who ABUSED YOU and don't want to have to CONSTANTLY RELIVE their abuse or feel uncomfortable, I don't see how it's your fault. You are NOT responsible for this persons actions. You are responsible for your own, but I don't see how keeping your distance from someone who abused you is breaking your family apart.

Answer 11

As i have posted on another answer i too was sexually molested and let me tell you, i see people saying let it slide i know deep inside you're saying hell naw as a christian this is my ministry people that have been sexually abused are people thay i come across every day and i believe there are some people that are in your life for a season and it passes but if they turn a new leaf you must forgive and forget but your mom on the other hand Read Proverbs 31 and that is your mom it's not bad but their season isnt over yet. Good Luck Punkin