how do i rekindle the flame when we have only been married for 5 months?

Question

we use to have like the most awsome sex ever and now it is more like hurry up. but i have found out that he is watching porn so is he bord with me how do i get my husband back with me and away from sluts on the internet?

Answer 1

Porn-gazing—whether chronic or casual—can become an explosive issue for a couple, corroding intimacy and demolishing the sexual connection. But reactions to pornography can be as varied as human desire itself, and fault is often in the eye of the beholder. For couples who already have sexual conflicts, porn can play a particularly destructive role. Yet in some situations, erotic material can be a healthy outlet for sexual fantasy, possibly bringing a couple closer together. Even a conflict over pornography, handled constructively, can improve a relationship.

Erotic images are more available—and more mainstream—than ever. According to comScore, which measures Internet traffic, 66 percent of Internet-using men between the ages of 18 and 34 look at online porn at least once a month. In the past, guys hid their liking for smut; now, they can openly embrace it, thanks to Jenna Jameson, magazines and a porn-friendly culture. As a result, pornography-related conflicts among couples are becoming more common, marriage counselors say. The argument often has a similar refrain "He looks at it, she hates it and each resents the other" . In a study published found that while most women weren't bothered by their partner's X-rated interest, a significant minority were extremely distressed by it. But are they right to be worried?
Is the anguish misdirected—or is there something to fear about porn?

The Facts of Life - Many women feel betrayed by porn, even though their mates don't necessarily perceive it as a transgression. "It was infidelity," "I felt cheated on." More than a quarter of the women respond in this manner. The feelings may arise from an unrealistic understanding of fantasy in adult sexuality, partners, even long-term ones, may have never discussed fantasies. "On the conservative end of the spectrum, some wives are upset that the husband would think about any other images or other women" !

A lot of people enjoy sexually explicit images—especially men, who tend to be more visually oriented. If that "doesn't make a dent, if the wife is truly beside herself, it is a betrayal and I treat it as such." is the reponse, but one should not necessarily worry that a husband in this situation is cheating, but the emotional dynamics are much the same: The porn user needs to understand his partner's hurt feelings, and she needs to find a way to forgive him.

Many women feel that the guy who looks at porn must harbor some hostility toward women. Yet research hasn't established a link between pornography consumption and misogyny. One study found that porn users actually had slightly more positive and egalitarian views of women than other men did, though porn users were also more likely to hold stereotypical beliefs—for example, that women are more moral.

It's a counterintuitive finding, likely to annoy both conservatives and antiporn feminists. But simultaneously liking porn and respecting women is consistent with a liberal outlook, which typically combines tolerance with an egalitarian perspective. If your boyfriend has an abortion-rights bumper sticker and a stash of hardcore smut on his computer, he may be Jerry Falwell's worst nightmare, but he's not all that unusual. Or perhaps the connection between porn watching and pro-female attitudes is more fundamental, "If you spend your time looking at pictures of naked women that's not really consistent with not liking women. It's consistent with liking them."

Living Up to the Fantasy - When porn first became readily available online, the novelty sucked in many. "In the early days of the Internet, men would sometimes surf through reams of online flesh," "but find it numbingly repetitive, and the opposite of arousing." When the wives find the files on the computer, they freak out,"

That fear is very real for many women, who worry they can't compete with the airbrushed perfection of the porn star. And they are "absolutely right," they can't. But not measuring up to an illusion shouldn't be cause for worry. What makes the woman in porn so erotic is not her red lips and her fake breasts, but the fact that she's "crazy," she's ever ready, always willing to do anything to please a man. No real woman could or would want to be that way nor should men lul themselves in believing it.

Psychologically healthy men don't have much trouble distinguishing between reality and the weird world of commercial raunch. The trouble emerges, when a person "can't differentiate between fantasy and reality:
'Why isn't my girlfriend like that?
Why isn't she into sex with animals?
Why won't she let me ejaculate on her face?" It is believed that women who believe their partners are sex addicts, have attempted to please porn-obsessed men through liposuction, breast surgery and crash dieting. If a man has a driving need to make his real-life partner into a porn star, he's got a problem. A woman who acquiesces in such an impossible pursuit may quickly find that she's got one, too.

When Porn Is Good for You - Porn can actually help foster emotional and sexual intimacy, How couples intensify their sexual relationship differs radically depending on the individuals and on the dynamic between them. But fantasy is certainly a part of a healthy sex life, and porn does contribute significantly to the archive of sexy scenarios in our heads. It can also inspire couples to experiment more.

Interestingly, in a study, the women with the most positive views of porn's role in their relationship were engaged in a more creative activity: The couples were taking sexy pictures of one another, removing entirely the problem of competition with the busty and lascivious commercial sex bomb. "It's very validating," "It's me turning you on. Even in my absence, you want to look at me."

She's Looking, Too - While men do look at porn more than women do, the ease and privacy of the Internet allow many women who would never have dared in the past to explore this realm. Fully half of the in astudy said they looked at pornography themselves. And women can become just as obsessed as men.

There is little solid research on how men feel about their female partner's porn use—or, for that matter, on how porn figures into gay relationships, which could help illuminate how much a straight couple's porn conflict is really a matter of gender differences. Some men clearly find it sexy, perhaps seeing her porn interest as a sign of a woman's experimental nature or aggressive libido. But it is believed that while many men hope their partner approves of (or at least tolerates) their own porn interest, they may be critical of a girlfriend or wife who uses pornography herself. A poll found that six in ten men were concerned about their partner's interest in Internet smut.

Drawing the Line - Dose matters. According to a research people engaged in any kind of online sexual activity for less than an hour a week said it had little impact on their lives; people using it for 11 or more hours a week said it affected both their self-image and their feelings about their partners. Anywhere between one and ten hours a week is ambiguous terrain. It may just be a way to release stress, but as has been pointed out, "the Internet is... a very powerful force that people can quickly develop a problem with, like crack cocaine."

Some individuals are vulnerable to compulsive porn use because of their own psychological makeup and diagnosed obsessive-compulsive, in such cases, the availability and anonymity of Internet porn lent itself to ritualistic, uncontrollable behavior. But online pornography can become an obsession even for people without psychological disorders, simply because it is so easily available and taps into such a powerful appetite.

Sometimes a Dirty Picture Isn't Just a Dirty Picture - Not everyone is going to embrace porn as a positive force. But it is usually possible to work through the conflicts posed by pornography use. Some counsellors encourages couples to explore what it means in the dynamic of the relationship:
Why does it bother her so much?
Is there something he gets from it that he could be getting from the relationship?
"Sometimes it is relational," they say. "For example, the wife may not understand the importance of a good sex life. Sometimes she's not experimental or passionate. If, in a long-term marriage, couples don't have a common goal of keeping marriage passionate," it says, an X-rated habit can be a symptom of restlessness.

A heavy reliance on porn may be an outgrowth of other sexual discontents. Many men complain that their wives have gained weight and are no longer very attractive, others prefer smut to real sex because while they're viewing porn, they're in control. "Couple sex is much more complicated." Say Doctors, "People think it's just a way to masturbate, but in a relationship it can be a punishment: 'I don't want to be with you right now.'"

In the case of one couple, the husband had pulled away from his wife's constant criticism and retreated into fantasy. She had to learn not to be so mean, while there are countless ways to withdraw from a spouse, porn is both satisfying and readily available. And because it's sexual, it's a far more loaded distancing strategy than playing golf or spending too much time at the office.

One solution to the porn dilemma that clearly doesn't work is "Surveillance". It undermines trust and can foster its own obsessions, partners may get compulsive about monitoring, just as those married to drug addicts or alcoholics can become overly involved in policing addictions.

Researchers and therapists concur that couples are better off treating the conflict as a practical matter rather than a moral issue. Faith may not be such an important consideration: It was found that nonreligious women were just as likely as religious women to be upset over a partner's porn use. "Looking at this in terms of right or wrong isn't helpful," "There's a great deal of variation in what turns people on, and the question is:
What can we as a couple do about it?" Couples work hard to reach agreement on many issues—how they will spend money, where they will live, whether they will have children—but often neglect to achieve any sort of consensus on their sex life: how often, what sort of activities, how much extracurricular interest is acceptable.

A couple may never see eye-to-eye on porn; even if he's not compulsive, she may always feel that it's disgusting (or immoral). And, tolerating discomfort—and recognizing that a partner's desires may be different from yours—is critical to a fully adult, intimate sexual relationship. Then again, if porn is repellent to someone you love, it may be worthwhile to call it quits, like smoking or other cherished habits we give up for the sake of a relationship. "You won't get a disease, but it could cost you your marriage."

The quickest way to change feelings is to take action, that most people have to make things happen. We know this, and take action, in other areas of our life, like exercise. But somehow we make sexuality a forbidden zone, outside the laws of mortals. For most people, desire doesn't just happen by itself. The way to get people moving is to take action. As the Italians say, the appetite comes while eating.

And in response to action, miraculously the other spouse becomes happy, feels much more wanted, and more committed to the relationship. And he begins to do things without being asked. Both people get more of what they want.

May I recommend both you and your husband to read this.
Good Luck>r

Answer 2

Try setting up a weekend with just the two of you. When he gets home from work greet him at the door with a drink and nothing (or almost nothing) on. Let him take a couple of sips and drag him into the bedroom and start teasing him---lick his nipples, masturbate, whatever would turn him on--then slowly take control and make it almost agonizing for him, afterwards ask him what he liked the most and least, then do it again in a different way. Most important have fun and try to live a fantasy out (yours or his). Try tying him up or him tying you up, whipped cream in fun areas---whatever floats the two of you. Also watch some of his porn and see what trips his trigger, imitate it if you can.

Answer 3

After only 5 months the romance has gone talk to him about it try leave him love letters where he can find them wear some sexy nightwear .This is really sad you should still be in what we call the honeymoon period for at least the first 12 months .The internet is great but it does have its down side like everything porn as you say .If you can get him to go to marriage councilling with you it has helped others with the same male problem but that is ussually after a few years at least .Sorry but he is a disgrace to us men .

Answer 4

Just because he is watching porn doesn't mean that he is bored with you, its just something that people do. Porn Stars still watch porn. As for the flame going out after only 5 months, that might be a problem. To me it doesn't sound like a problem in bed but a problem with your marriage.

Answer 5

WOW! after ONLY five months! Well, don't let him find out you don't want him on the internet. that makes it even more exciting for him(forbidden fruit). He will always find a way so long as he wants to. Try lurring him away from it by spicing up ur life in bed. Be spontanious (do it on the kitchen table, car, in a family members bathroom) Try to do "other positions." If you please him then he wouldn't need to turn to porn. One problem women do (and men don't like this) is to be to shy about their sexuality. Don't be afriad to be casual with your breasts if you're at home.

Answer 6

Generally, the lack of sex within a marriage takes place over a number of years, not months. You need to analyze how the desire between you and your husband disappeared so quickly and then takes steps to fix it. I will say, though, that it worries me that a man would become bored with his wife that quickly. That is not normal. Hell, it took me years to reach that point with ny wife. Something just isn't right here.

Answer 7

OMG, why does your relationship need rekindling at only 5 months? Maybe a good look at your relationship is in order...?

Answer 8

Watch it with him, so you know what he likes and play out what is going on in the porn. Because its every guys fantisy to be doing what they are in the movie, so do it. Itl blow his mind away. It would for me.

Answer 9

onley.5. months you have to be kidding right if not get counceling befoe the divorce ok . my opion?

Answer 10

talk to him....find out what is going on ....5 months...you should still be on your honeymoon....