Is my husband's friendship with his former co-worker more than friendship? What do you think?

Question

Off and on my husband has been friends with this woman for the past 16 years. He knows I don't like her but still mentions she emails him jokes. He was showing my older son a joke she sent. I noticed an email saying miss you too will see you when I am in your store. Her company supplies his store. He just brushed it off.I have expressed my dislike and he tells me that she is just a friend and that I am acting crazy. Years ago when they worked in the same store I expressed to both of them I don't like them going to lunch. I told them it needed to stop. This store is like payton place and rumors have flow that they were an item. I know they ignored me as I was told it did not stop. On one occasion I came home to them drinking on the sofa. On another occasion I left work early to find them and 3 other female co-workers on our boat. Sex is not an issue due to cancer. Did he really cheat? Thoughts or opinions concerning this longtime friendship??

Sex is not the issue due to prostate cancer in the last 5 years. Now he comes home on time. Prior to this he came home when he came home could be 3 or could be 6. He was off on weekdays and I am not.

The only reason they were caught was I came home earily both times.

Answer 1

IS HE CHEATING? CAN'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION ACCURATELY, BUT HE IS BEING VERY DISRESPECTFUL OF YOUR WISHES, HE SHOULD NOT CARRY ON A FRIENDSHIP WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH. AND SEX IS NOT AN ISSUE DUE TO CANCER, SO HE OBVIOUSLY HASN'T CHEATED ON YOU SEXUALLY, BUT SOUNDS LIKE HE MENTALLY HAS, JUST MY OPINION...GOOD LUCK

Answer 2

What do you mean by "sex is not an issue due to cancer"? That might make a world of a difference. Who has it and how does it affect that persons sex life?

Okay, given this new information, this is my view of the most likely scenario. Also, keep in mind that I am only 42 y/o.

16 years is a long time. At some point, they might have had something more than just friendship. There is really no way of knowing that. It could also be that he was drawn to her and that she just played him for some material benefit or just for the attention and never actually did it. Also, although if that happened he would be acting like an @ss (all men do), it doesn't mean that if the "moment of truth" ever happened he would go on with it... he could not go for "the kill".

The exact business relation they have now is still not so clear from your post. IF she depends on him for something (e.g. she is a sales person and he works on purchases or in some financial thing that makes her life easier) she could still be playing him. It is also not clear if she is or was married at any point. However, I am thinking that she too is an older woman by now and that whatever did or did not happen with them left only a deeper friendship. They are part of each other's life story (whatever that was) and, with the cancer and age, she might represent to him a time when he was not sick.

Where does that leave you? That's a hard question. Did he betray you? If he did, does it mean that all your marriage was a lie and a waste? That it was not worth living? Maybe your life would have been different had you known then. Could have shacked up or eloped... However, you did neither, though their suspicious behavior at the time certainly did grant you grounds for it. You made a decision then and life went on the path it did. Would different paths be better? Who knows? Just accept that there is a bond between them by now. And, keep in mind that, as long as you are still alive, you are always making decisions, even if what you decide on is not deciding.

Sorry, but thats all I've got.

Answer 3

This one is not so easy to answer.. You mention other females and cancer and years of friendship... but the bottom line is the respect he is NOT showing you in this... no matter what the relationship is or is not between him and this woman, or any other, if YOU have ask him not to associate with her out side of work, and other places, then that is the way it should be.. regardless of the NO sex issue, respect and honor should be shown in a marriage !!!!! Your husband is either that inconsiderate of your feelings or he is one mixed up dude !!! If he actualy thinks that just because of the NO SEX thing that he is in the right then he is sooooooooo way gone.. he also sounds like because of, and I do take it, he is the one who had or has the cancer, and it has rendered him impotant, that he has got something to prove, such as his masculinity !!! I am so sorry he has gone through it, the cancer thing, but that is NO excuse to treat a wife with such disregard and TOTAL disrespect !! I suggest you and him sit down and have a full come down to it, put it all on the table, heart to heart about all this.. and then YOU have a few decisions to make.... good luck and God bless

Answer 4

Hard to say.

But to be honest do you think it was really fair for you tell your husband not to be friends with someone just because you don't like them?

If they were really cheating they wouldn't be in places where you could easily catch them. Nor would he mention that she emails him. If he was really having an affair he would not mention her at all so he could keep it a secret. Also if he was having an affair with this woman he would not invite other co workers. Just because there are rumors does not mean it is true.

As far as the miss you comment it could be very much innocent. They have been friends for 16 years. I have told friends both male and female I have missed them when I haven't seen them in awhile.

Not to sound mean but you sound a bit controlling which is probably why your husband goes out of his way to be friends with her. It is his way of rebelling against you unconsciously. If you didn't make such a big deal about them hanging out they probably wouldn't do it.

Answer 5

It does not sound like he cheated. The issue is why he continued this relationship if he knew it hurt you and that rumors had been flowing.You should've long ago had a no opposite sex friends rule.Now as you have mentioned he can not have sex. You might be feeling a little crazy since the lack of intimacy.You need to find ways to be intimate with your husband so you still feel like you are loved and cared for by your husband.You also mentioned him having days off when you don't .Call in to work sometime as a personnel day and play hooky from work with your husband.You don't mention telling him to not be friends in any way and not talk to her. It needs to be said if it hasn't been. Your relationship has survived this long and with cancer, so you are definitely in this for the long haul, so keep loving like there is no tomorrow.Try to concentrate on the relationship you and your husband have. Good luck my dear.

Answer 6

well, your husband sure has put himself in a position of not looking very trustable. and he certainly hasn't shown you the respect that you deserve as his wife. but trust me, it doesn't make you look bad, it just makes him look bad. I will be honest with you, I can't prove that your husband was having sex with this woman, but from the sound of things, something was going on that shouldn't have been. he should have respected you enough to have stopped doing the things you asked him to stop doing, and the things that made himself and this woman look bad. and he's been carrying on with this woman for sixteen years! I'm very sorry, but he's shown a total lack of respect for you, himself, and your marriage. I certainly wouldn't put up with another sixteen years of it. personally I wouldn't put up with any more of it at all. this man needs to take a good, long, hard look at his life and the things he's done. once he does, hopefully he will be able to see where he's gone wrong. and change some things for both your sakes.
I Wish you the Best.

Answer 7

Well, has he been working later than usual? Has he been giving you attitudes? Is he honest? Has he ever looked at another woman in a certain way? She can be just a friend. Answer these questions, and you will get an answer, no matter how you may feel later. Trsut me. I hope things go out well.

Answer 8

let it go unless you have some real proof. I have a lot of male friends, but I'm not involved with any of them. They're not doing anything at lunch (if it's in public). If there are other people there, I wouldn't worry unless you think he can "take care" of all of them. My ex thought I was boinking anyone I said 'Hello" to. I had a friend of 14 years who just died. We were never intimate. Don't ruin a good thing unless you have proof.

Answer 9

Well their would be no reason for me to answer if I was going to lie. But from what u are saying ya I think it does sound like he is cheating. Sorry but if he cared about u and your opinion he would have dropped her as a friend or what ever u want to call it.

Answer 10

Forget what you’ve seen on TV. The plots of countless crime shows notwithstanding, Stout says, “even trained psychologists are very bad at discerning the moment when someone is telling a lie.” Rather than studying your date’s face for an unconscious twitch or a furtive sideways glance, “you’re better off trying to figure out this person’s character,” which is revealed more by his conversation than by his body language or facial expressions. Which brings us to…

Ask the right questions. Stout recommends asking (not grilling) your date about his past romantic entanglements, then listening very carefully to what he has to say. “If he attributes everything that went wrong to the other person, then he’s not taking responsibility for his own life, and such people often turn out to be liars.” This doesn’t only apply to past girlfriends: If, for instance, he says he left his last job because his boss was “a jerk,” that’s a red flag, too.

Stand your ground. If you decide to challenge your beau about one of his half-truths (or outright whoppers), be prepared for a barrage of excuses. “Often times, such people will try to appeal to your honesty and empathy,” Stout says. Here are some lines you’re likely to hear: “I was turned on by you so much, I just couldn’t bear to tell you,” “Please don’t be angry, you’re the only one who understands me,” and “I’ll never do it again, can you please forgive me?”

Don’t fall for the “rebel” routine. “A sociopath feels himself to be outside the law, social or actual,” Stout says, “and not only does he like to bend the rules, he also wants you to help him.” So if your date casually says things like, “Let’s have sex in the elevator,” or “Let’s just sneak into the movie, no one will notice,” don’t be surprised if he’s dropped a few lies as well during the course of the evening.

Know when to cut your losses. Surprisingly, Stout takes a more lenient stance than the classic expression, “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” “I have a list of rules for dealing with sociopaths, and one of them is The Rule of 3’s. If this person has misled you once, it could be a mistake or misunderstanding. If he’s done it twice, it can still be a mistake (though that’s less likely). But when it happens three times, that’s when you know you’re with someone who deals in falsehoods.”

Don’t blame yourself. Per the first point on this list, Stout says, many women tend to beat themselves up after becoming involved with a pathological liar, because they cling to the “superstition” that they should have been able to figure things out right away. “Lying is difficult to detect,” she says, “so you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.” Get away from the liar in question, and get on with your life without berating yourself.

Answer 11

There is more then one kind of cheating. It sounds like to me he might be emotionally cheating on you. Especailly going around behind your back to have these woman around. How many other times were there that you did not catch?
He could still email her etc he didn't have to meet up with her.