How do I cope with losing my best friend-my mother?

Question

I can't seem to shake this depression state--God I miss my mother soo much-It only been 3 months.I find myself always having crying spells. Some days I don't want to get out of bed and go to work.But I know I have to. I live with my finance' --he dosen't help me at all -- he's constanly saying negatives things to me. I always find myself all alone.When he's home he's not home. I tried over and over again to let hime know I really need him right now. But all he do is turn his back on me. All I want is a kind word from time to time.I take care of him very well. Now I need him to take care of me right now.He just won't do it.I tried of crying myself to sleep,I'm tried of feeling and being alone.I ache for just a hug or some kind words.I'm an excellent mother of two wonderful children they both are in college-my son is in his last year and my daughter is in her 2nd year.Thanks everybody for listening

Answer 1

This is a very difficult time for you, and what you're going through is painful but natural. I went through the same thing when my father died...he was my best friend as your mother was yours.

First, don't put any kind of a time limit on when you think you should be "over it" or "done grieving." Everyone and every situation is different. I know it's an effort to get out of bed in the morning; I know that some days you feel like you've made progress just for getting out of the bed. I know it's devastating trying to communicate with and lean on someone who just doesn't seem willing or able to help you.

1. Crying yourself to sleep is tiresome, but it is also a release. Don't be afraid to give into your feelings and let them out.

2. Consider going to a grief support group.

3. Continue to take care of yourself as best you can. In fact, put yourself above everything else that's going on so you can heal.

4. Try and physically work out how you feel. Go for walks; go to excercise classes. Take up yoga. Find a way to channel your energy in a physical way.

5. Ask your fiancee if the situation is too much for him right now, and see what things he is willing to do. This will be hard, but, for now, if he can just stroke your hair while you fall asleep or hug you before you get out of bed in the morning, it would be something. People respond very differently to death; it may be too uncomfortable for him, he may not know what to do. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but certainly he can handle one small request from you.

It may not seem like it now, but I promise you--- you will get through this. You'll be able to think about your mother and not cry. You'll talk to her as if she were there and laugh. And, as much as you miss her, one day you'll just be happy that you were blessed to have such a wonderful mother. You will survive this...it takes time.

You will find that you're stronger than you think, and more capable than you imagined yourself to be. And, when you are steady on your feet, you may require a partner who is as strong and capable as you, one who is willing to stand by your side- or take the lead when necessary.

Until then, do positive things to keep moving yourself forward. Understand that you won't always feel like this. You will be happy again; believe it. I will keep you in my thoughts.

Answer 2

I am so sorry for your loss, my grandma was my best friend. I cried so much, at the drop of a dime I mean for just over a year, then something inside ( I believe it was her) told me I had to STOP being so sad. From that moment on I somehow knew that she didn't want me to suffer and dwell on what is inevitable and always to come. Just cherish and remember the time you had with her, if you do (sad to say) maybe you will be the mother who was also their best friend they lost. What would you want your two wonderful children to do? What would your best friend, and mother want you to do? Hang in there. The pain never goes away but hopefully it doesn't take your life away with it.

As for your fiance he may not even realize that he is coming off ' a little cold' sometimes people don't know what to say... so they just don't say anything at all and when they do it may sound way to wrong. You can be the judge of his prior character, maybe he is mourning in his own way too. How long has he been a part of your family? Maybe he doesn't know how to cope either. Only you can answer that. Wishing you the best.

Answer 3

I feel your pain. I lost my dad about 6 months ago, I miss him so much. Fortunate for me though, I have a very loving family. My kids and my Husband have been awesome. Its hard for me to express my feelings, so my problem is opposite yours. My family wants to be there for me and its hard for me to let them. I have pretty much kept my feelings inside, and I am paying the price for it. The last few days have been awful, I burst into tears for no reason. I have had to put all my dad's belongings away because I just can't bear to look at them right now, at first I was ok with it. I don't know if this is just another part of the grief process or what. I guess we all grieve in different ways. I hope your fiance' sees that you really need him right now and starts showing you kindness you need and deserve right now. You are going through the hardest time in your life. Just remember, you have your children to lean on if he doesn't come around. So sorry for your loss, and although time won't bring your mother back to you, it will take some of the sadness away.

Answer 4

I am so so sorry for your loss. Losing your mom, at any age, is hard to endure, and your husband's behavior isn't helping you at all. I assume his mother is still alive since he seems to have no compassion for the situation you are in. I want to tell you I have gone through this but I lost both my parents and inlaws in the same year and my brother the following February. It through me into a deep depression and I have to tell you, you need to see someone, sooner the better. Call your local mental health agency and they can give you a list of counselors or if you have the financial means, see a psychiatrist. You are doing what comes natural- leaning toward your husband for strength- but as you state, you "always take good care of him". He may not be the nurturing type and before you go down a bad road in your relationship with him, see a counselor or psychiatrist for help. You may need antidepressants- and there's nothing wrong with that, they helped me. Be proud of your children- they are your "inner strength" and the reason you must get over this depression to be strong for them. Please call someone - the longer you wait for help, the longer to recover. Your husband cannot replace the loss of your mom, nor can your children, and talking with a trained professional will get you thru the difficult times ahead- ex. the holidays--- please call-- God bless.

Answer 5

I hope you have told your husband what you've posted here. He needs to understand that part of being in a relationship is supporting your partner.

As for your mom ... a cure, as I see it, depends on how much you believe in the afterlife. My mom passed away three years ago and I found that if I focused on her and talked to her as if she was there, I could communicate with her again. Seriously - it was very clear. I couldn't "hear" her, but I could feel the responses in my heart as if she was speaking to me directly, an odd way of communicating but it worked. She managed to communicate to me some things that I needed to know and helped me to get going on a new path that I would have never considered by myself. As a result, I managed to change my life around, getting rid of bad habits and finding the happiness I was looking for but thought I'd never find.

Is this unique? I don't think so, I believe anyone can do it if they're willing to let go of old habits and embrace the possibility that those close to us who pass on still love us, care about us, and want the best for us. It takes a bit of faith & trust. I feel closer to my mom now than I did when she was alive, and fully believe I'll see her again when I pass on.

Hope that helps.

Answer 6

Awwwww!!!! I feel your pain, I lost my father at the age of 4 and I hardly knew him, but I think about him all the time. My mom and I are Best Friends and I could not imagine losing her. I would just continue to pray. I know it is hard but hang in there, she would not want to see you sad and crying. She is in a better place! I am here at anytime when you want to talk. As of that finance of yours, you need to stop carrying his grown behind, you are stressed b/c you have an extra child to look after. This situation may be a way of The Heavenly Father letting you know that he is not the man for you, he can not even be there for you at a time like this. Excuse me but----Dump his a**!!!!!!!! I wish u all the best and hang in there and keep your head up.

Answer 7

try seeking out a grieving group to ease the loss of your mother. as far as your fiance, all you can do is continue to be honest with where you are at. maybe what you are going through is triggering things for him, and he isnt coping well. ask him what is behind his actions. he might open up to you about his feelings surrounding your mom, or other things that are on his mind. maybe he feels helpless in this situation but it comes out as anger/frustration rather than admitting he is powerless to help you through the grieving process.
look after yourself and find supports that will be there for you as you try and heal from the recent loss. youcant control what your fiance does, and more often than not the people you don't think will be a support to you in the hard times are the ones that you truly can rely on.
as you grieve, let yourself do it in your own way and be gentle on yourself. try not to say "i should be over this" or "i am crazy" or whatever thoughts come to mind.
losing a parent is stressful and we all grieve in different ways. allow yourself the time and do it in your own way.
god bless!

Answer 8

wow...I could imagine how you feel....This is the time when you need your husband the most.....It seems like it he aint even making it easier for u to ease the pain just a little ..youll never forget about your mom theres no doubt about..One of the good things that i noticed is that u raised your kids well there are both in college and thats something very good.... you also mentioned that you take good care of your husband so that show that youre a good wife ...
You could never make someone do or show something..Unless it comes from the heart.What i suggest for you to do is to talk to your husband tell him how you feel.Wait and see what his respond is ,you never know whats going on in his head.....at this moment what you need to do is speak to him and try to get away like on a trip or something with some friends just get away from home and get new air........relax......i pretty sure youre an intellligent women and if you know whats best for your kids you should know whats best for you.....

Answer 9

I understand how you feel. I lost my Mother five years ago. The deal-breaker with my ex came when I lost my Mom. He provided no emotional support at all. I think it will take you some time. Three months is still very early to be feeling a whole lot better. You might want to locate a grief support group............

Answer 10

I think this is a tough time. I feel your pain. Yous hould seek professinal counseling or at the very least, a good friend and good family member. You can't deal with this alone, no one should expect you to. God Bless You.
It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. But hopefully you know your mother is looking down on you. She will always be in your heart. Chersih her memory at all times. I know it's hard to know this know but one day you will be fine.