We had some problems in our marriage over the past few years, and we have been able to overcome those problems through marriage counceling, but our love life has suffered from those problems in our marriage, and she has no desire to have sex at all. I want to make love to her, not for my pleasure, but for hers. Any ideas on how I could help her to get the desire back?
I love my wife very much, and I don't want to push her into having sex, especially if she feels she would be doing it just for me. I want her to enjoy it also.
Any ideas how I can help her without making her feel like I'm pushing it?
2006-12-04 11:49:56 · 29 answers · asked by Bryan M 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Hey TG, we have talked about it, and she just says that she has no desire. What caused the problems, I suffered from a sexual addiction, and I was being quite selfish, and thinking of myself first. We have been going through marriage counceling which has helped us alot. And it's helped me to get my priorities in order, thinking of her first, before myself.
2006-12-04 11:57:38 · update #1
I am going to assume that there was a serious breach of trust, possibly infidelity. If this is the case, then the only thing that will cure this is time. I believe that throughout a marriage, 2 people can fall "in" and "out" of love more than once, and still always love each other. The trust will have to be restored, and it will take patience on your part. The wine and dine method isn't a great idea, because she will think that you are doing it just to have it lead up to sex. Be loving, kind, do the little things in life that are usually taken for granted. i.e. flowers just because, cooking dinner and letting her take it easy, invite her to join you on miscellaneous errands, even if you don't anyone to join you, and above all, put her first. Think before you act, do it from the heart, and remember... compassion and consideration... if you have these 2 qualities, it will fall into place. Be patient, be open and keep your communication flowing with her. tell her you love her, and that you will be patient with her until she regains the trust she once had in you.
Good Luck... I wish my ex-husband would have listened to the things I were crying out with.
2006-12-04 12:07:48 · answer #1 · answered by deanie1962 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
In fact you two are not ''over your problems''. Marriage is a contract for contact. Just because there are marital problems, and she's obviously emotionally affected by whatever happened that doesn't excuse her from her responsibilities as a wife. There's still work to be down in marriage counseling for you guys. Unless she's suffering from a terminal illness you shouldn't be on her asking us how to score with your wife.
Let's say you were so hurt by something she did, but wanted to stay married cause you stilled loved her, but you didn't want to work anymore. Would that make any sense? HELL NO!! She has to forgive you for what every you did in the past and move on. Eventually you will get tired of this I'm too hurt to make love stuff, and find some one who will take care of you needs.
As the saying goes: What one woman won't do, another woman will.
Wifey better smarten up!
2006-12-04 12:09:24 · answer #2 · answered by NURSING FOR LIFE!! 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First you have to completely IGNORE that you want sex for awhile. Sorry but you have to. You will have to lift her up without thinking "sex sex sex"
Listen to what her needs are. Do things to help her out around the house. Spend quality time together. Do things that you used to do and she would love when you were dating. Plan for the kids to go somewhere that she would approve of.
Touch her in a non sexual way. Tell her how amazing of a wife she is and give her a GENUINE compliment every day.
Smell good with cologne, etc. Take care of yourself.
Prepare dinner.
Do this everyday for about a week and then prepare a bath for her the moment she walks in the door - or when it works for her. don't say or expect anything sexual.
Let her come to you. Also, find out if she likes sex in the morning, after work, at night, or the middle of the night. Cater to when she is ready to.
Make her feel wanted and safe emotionally and mentally. Don't be rude to her or put her down. Be sweet to her. Women can't have sex with a guy that is being a jerk or where she doesn't feel comfortable or loved.
2006-12-04 11:59:48 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well for starters maybe you could wine her and dine her. Bring her home flowers a few times but don't expect anything in return. Each day tell her something nice about the way she looks or something that she does that you like. Keep doing this for awhile and then when you think she is receptive give her little kisses. If you think she is starting to get into it then move further if not then let it go. If you have to continue to do these things for a period of time then do so. Have you tried talking to her about her lack of interest? I would be nice about it and just ask her if it is you or what it is. When you guys do have sex again then make sure she knows you are into it and tell her how hot she is. Don't be rough with her just take it slow and let her know you want to make love to her not just fu**. I hope this helps. I know I have had problems with my sex drive in the marriage and it had nothing to do with my husband it was all about my low self esteem. Just make her feel special and show you that you love her and you are willing to be there for her no matter what.
2006-12-04 11:55:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You did not say how old your wife is....but if she is Pre menopausal it could very well be that her hormones are out of wack. this can be a very big problem for women...my wife started to notice this around the age of 42. There are some herbal remedies that work well WITHOUT the side effects of hormone replacement therapy. If she has been checked out by her Doc and all is okay....then I guess about all you can do is talk to her and ask her what the problem is. Depending why you seeked marriage counseling....it could be that she has just not gotten over what took you there. If it was an affair that is something that most people both men and women have a hard time "Getting Over" as its hard to over come the feelings of betrayal, worthlessness, and the breach of trust.
Best of luck
2006-12-04 12:06:40 · answer #5 · answered by oldman 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
been there! still there.
First is the trust back?
If yes... you might need to go really slow.
Start as if you were dating. So take her on a date and bring her home. and start all over... first base second... try and remember what that is like.
If there have been problems, then the sex and trust is going to take some time to get back to some level of interest, normalcy and need.
Tease her like mad... til she asks... the dating thing should help. Especially if you don't push.
Slow, patience, and interest in her...
sounds like you're going in the right direction.
If none of this works, you might have to be direct and ask... "you're not interested Why? In order for our union to work, we've got to get this part back." because it sounds like it IS important to you.
Tread carefully.
but try and do it lovingly, and having fun. If she'll let you.
2006-12-04 11:55:54 · answer #6 · answered by teritaur 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well she's still with you, so that has to count for something. Ask her if she still loves you. Maybe she needs more time, but ask her that. Love between 2 people is awesome but without TRUST you have nothing! Maybe all she needs is more time to heal and believe in you again. I've been there and it's not easy.. the pain doesn't just go away. As time goes on and she see's your truthful and honest, hopefully she will come around. Let her know time and time again how much you love her and want her and only her. Good Luck! I hope it works out for both of you.
2006-12-04 12:14:41 · answer #7 · answered by kathy p 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate to admit this but a lot of women lose interest in Sex. That does not mean they care or love any less. Why not try just cuddling up with her, holding her hand etc. Without knowing more, its hard to answer, it could be a lot of reasons.
You need to try and talk with her. You need to make her feel very special again. If you cheated on her all I can say is Good Luck! You are in for a long wait. A lot of women will find it hard to want their man after wards. It sticks in their mind and once that happens it hard to forgive and forget.
2006-12-04 11:59:29 · answer #8 · answered by homesweethomediana@sbcglobal.net 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You mentioned problems in the marriage. If cheating was one of them, best of luck.
Don't push her. Just be romantic. Cuddle, hug, kiss, look lovingly at her. Make her feel as if you are falling in love all over again. But no sex, no fondling, nothing sexual.
Remember she is on female time. Men want it right now, but she may take months to be back to herself.
2006-12-04 11:54:36 · answer #9 · answered by tbonz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
are u sure its psychological/ could be physical.check for hypothyroidism.if she is in her late 30's or above,check her female hormone levels.simple blood tests.both hypothyroid and perimenopause can affect libido,other conditions as well.see dr.ps-please note,it is a little known fact that some women lose their desire when taking birth control pills,which is ironic!speak to dr if she is on the pill.certain forms of pill(their are several brands)cause more problems with this than others,she may need to switch.
2006-12-04 11:54:08 · answer #10 · answered by Lyn K 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋