If cheating is involved, should myself and the wife be divorced, even if I still love her?

Question

My wife says I cheated on her, which I didn't. I have never had sex with another woman, ever. However, when we were on the verge of separating (again), over a year ago I e-mailed a girl from work once. Nothing sexual, but more of a outlet because what I really was upset about was not having my relationship working with my wife. My wife says this makes me a cheater. Heres the issue: I say, even if I did cheat, that I love her and want to stay married. She has taken away my child and done horrible things as of late, but I don't care. I love her still. She says, she is just tired of hurting all the time, and it "just won't work". In my opinion, marriage should not be thrown away because it "just won't work". In fact, I think people should even try to stay married if they DID cheat. (which I just found out she has been seeing my best friend off and on). So, what do I do? I still love her. Is there any hope for counseling, or what is the next step????

By the way, I have no proof that she had SEX with this guy, just that he has been talking to her on the phone, and coming over for dinner

Also, because she wouldn't let me see my daughter and said we were divorcing, I was one that filed for it so that I could get my parenting plan in, and I am now able to see my child ONLY because I did that. So she says, if the paperwork has been started, that we are divorced. But the divorce is not final, and I have been telling her all along I want to go to counseling, and that I will cancel it, or we can get remarried right away. I don't think she understands or chooses to see that I only did the paperwork for legal visitation.

brenny - obviously you didn't read the post - I didn't cheat. hello?

Answer 1

Your issues are very deep, and I feel for you and your troubles. I think you are trying to be controlled by your wife. Because, you can't have a conversation on the internet, but she can see your best friend? You don't have a best friend with that person if they would do that to you. Your wife is acting out against you, and using your child as a tug-of-war, because she's probably the cheater, and has been the whole time. That's why she says, "it just won't work". It can work if she truly wants it to, and if she doesn't, there's really nothing you can do about it. My main concern is for that child in the middle of all of this. I come from divorced parents, as an only child, and I know how that feels; it's a horrible life. I'm 32 and still have many problems related to step-parents. If there's any way possible, you need to try and work this out. Go seek out counseling with a marriage counselor. Someone who is neutral, and can give you an unbiased opinion of your situation. I hope everything works out for your family.

Answer 2

Well when you confide in another woman it can be looked upon as cheating. Do I think it is, I don't know because I didn't see the email. Do yourself a favor, stop telling your wife that you love her as much as you do. Speaking from experience, that pushes her further away. Right now you are the last person she wants to hear from so give her her space. The best thing is to focus on your child. Ask her (not beg) if she is willing to make arrangements for you to see your child. If she says no, don't get p.o.'d, take the next step and offer to give her money for her to take care of the child. The best thing is to show that you are responsible. Alway be optimistic when dealing with her and don't throw the best friend up in her face. If you do these things, I think you may have a chance for counseling. I don't guarentee that the two of you will get back together but you stand a better chance being a man in her eyes regardless of the circumstance. What I told you is the direct opposite of what I did and when I finally tried what I just told you, it was too late. Now my wife hasn't filed for divorce but I have been separated for a year now.

Point is you have to be a man regardless of the circumstances. If she sees you from a point this point of view, you may have a good chance of saving your marriage. There is always hope.

Good Luck and prayer never hurts.

Answer 3

Hell No! My ex and I are like brother and sister now. We have a daughter together. But I don't get it twisted sweetie. I wouldn't have his a*s again if his &ick was mounted on Mount Rushmore! It was good while it lasted. We were married for 13 years and to be quite honest with you, I was tired of being married after the 1st 5. I get bored honey! To have to wake up and look at the same man every f*cking day can just really disturbed me. Well at least it did back in the day. Now, I'm good! My second husband I was with him for 9 years. He was the best man that I've ever had in my entire life. I miss him a lot! He passed away. It was a year last August. I've relocated from state to state. I'm good! Don't dwell! Sometimes divorces happen for the best. There are plenty of good men out in the world. Don't sweat the small stuff. Get what you want and not what other people think you should have.

Answer 4

what a mess.
FIrst... using your child against you, is wrong and should NEVER happen. Regardless of the relationship between the two of you, she must respect your rights as a dad. That MUST be dealt with.

Secondly, you two won't figure this one out on your own counselling is needed so the two of you can figure out how to talk to each other and find new ways to react to each other.
If she won't go, go without her. You'll learn a lot about yourself and what you need to do so that 1- if you get back together you'll deal with issues in a new way, or
2 - if you do divorce and find yourself in a new relationship you won't make the same mistakes. Counselling I have found is a great way to learn about yourself.

Good luck! Do NOT let her use your child as a pawn in this. That is despicable behaviour!

If you don't want a divorce don't sign the papers.

Go to this web site below and start reading.

Answer 5

I agree that people should try to stay married at all costs. However, sometimes both people don't feel that way and if one won't work things out (won't go to counseling, wants out of the relationship, etc.) you may have to call it quits and find someone who is as committed as you are. You can't force another person to love you, stay faithful to you, or have a relationship with you (I tried and it didn't work...we divorced and now I'm happily remarried to someone who will never call it quits). Talk to her about it and see what she says. Try treating her better and ask if there is anything you can do differently to help her be happier and if she says no, maybe divorce is the best option.

Answer 6

I would suggest that the two of you see a marriage counselor. At worst, you could both leave the relationship on equitable terms, and at best, you could save the marriage. In fact, many divorce lawyers won't file the paperwork unless you've sought therapy.

Answer 7

That's a tough one. You need to talk to her. My wife and I almost broke up three years ago and it had nothing to do with what we were fighting about. There may be something else going on under the serface. Once we broke everything down, we have had a better relationship then ever. So as bad as things might look, if you fight for her and fight through it, you can come out stronger.

Answer 8

Marriage should not be thrown away because it just won't work?? Would you feel the same way if she had cheated - I doubt it!!

You just need someone to make your meals and do your laundry - You don't love your wife - or you wouldn't have cheated in the first place!

Answer 9

You guys need serious marital counseling. You may have had an emotional affair and she's probably had more than that. If you can't save it, get a lawyer involved, for the sake of your children.

Answer 10

I disagree. If things have been dysfunctional for a while, and it's not changing for the better, separation would not be "throwing away" a marriage, it would be saving both of you from further misery and destruction. Let her go. Sounds like she's had enough, even if you haven't.